FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to go surfin’ with your plastic surgeon, because we’re headed to the shores of sunny California, so let’s get started…
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If you rearrange the letters on the California state flag, you can find out what the bear just ate: A Four Liberal Picnic

* California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
* The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it’s less cowardly and annoying.
* California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means “City of Beating up Rodney King”
* California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
* California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
* The state motto of California is “Eureka!”, a Greek word meaning “Dude!”
* More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
* The Hollywood Bowl is the world’s largest outdoor amphitheater. Just to clarify a common misconception, no special shoes are required. You’re thinking of the Hollywood Bowl-o-Rama.
* Californians can be easily identified by their deep golden tans and fake green cards.
* California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that’s the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
* The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that’s the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, “THIS SUCKS!”
* The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
* MMMM… braaaaaaainsssss…
* California was the first state to legalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
* Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns – however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
* You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
* San Francisco has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
* Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spent most of his time chasing Hmong off his lawn with a shotgun.
* Many people hope that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word “Calee-forn-ee-uh”.
* Lucky for us there was no such restriction for “nu-cu-lar”.
* California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render terrorists unconscious.
* Even though it’s only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
* Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California’s special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of “I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!”
* California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get the average American drunk 34 million times… assuming the average American is the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drinks wine, that is.
* Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
* California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it’s independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
* California is famous for it’s many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
* In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
* The first person to receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
* Pauley Shore is still waiting.
* Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to “Bedtime for Bonzo”.
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That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be breaking our teeth on mountains, sadly discovering that “Rocky” is NOT short for “Rock Candy” when we visit Colorado.

Obama’s Rather Impressive List Of “Accomplishments”

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

First President to violate the War Powers Act.

First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

First President to defy a Federal Judge’s court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.

First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party, a violation of the U.S. Constitution.

First President to spend a trillion dollars on ‘shovel-ready’ jobs when there was no such thing as ‘shovel-ready’ jobs.

First President to recommend changing our National Anthem as it portrays and promotes violence and is warlike in its theme.

First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer Breakfast and activities.

First President to initiate a Cash for Clunkers Program to clean up exhaust that adds to global warming, then extended it because it was so popular — wasting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars.

First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

First President to bypass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

First President to demand a company hand over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.

First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

First President to tell a major manufacturing company which state they are allowed to locate a factory in.

First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

First President to fire an inspector general of Americorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date.

First President to pledge complete transparency while campaigning, then hide his medical, educational,and travel records.

First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to go on multiple global ‘apology tours’.

First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.

First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

First President to repeat the Holy Qur’an and tells us that the early morning Islamic call to worship is the most beautiful sound on earth.

Now it is up to us Freedom-loving Americans to see to it that he is voted out after his FIRST term. May God bless America again. Stay safe, and be aware of your surroundings.

IS OBAMA A SOCIALIST???

I saw an article a few days ago discussing whether or not Barack Obama is a socialist. The reporter interviewed several leaders and members of various socialist movements to ask them if they considered Obama one of their own. The did not. So there. This means that those people calling Obama a socialist are just haters who have no clue what they’re talking about.
Well .. the reporter is right. Strictly speaking, Obama is not a socialist. He’s also most definitely not a capitalist. So that leaves the question … just what in the hell IS he?
Well … you’re gonna learn right now.
No economic system is pure; neither socialism nor capitalism .. nor the system that Obama truly embraces … fascism. In a pure sense … here is how you would define the three basic economic systems. To simplify these definitions – even to the point that government educated American Idol and Entertainment Tonight fans can understand – we will establish one common term to be used in all three definitions … “the means of production.” By “the means of production” we’re talking about the mechanism by which wealth is created; the mechanism by which products and services are manufactured or created and then presented to the people for consumption. Ready? Read on:

Capitalism:
The means of production is privately owned and controlled with only minimal regulatory interference from the state for the purposes of public health and safety. Economic decisions made by millions of independent consumers acting in the marketplace.
Socialism:
The means of production is owned and controlled by the state. Private property and business ownership is not permitted. State is in complete control of the economy.
Fascism:
The means of production is privately owned but state controlled; a command economy driven by political whims.

Again … those are pure definitions, and no economic system anywhere is solidly in one camp or the other. But as you read these definitions you will see that Obama clearly is much more of an economic fascist than a socialist. It’s control over industry he seeks, not ownership. Capitalist? Hardly. Remember … Obama described his limited days in the private sector as “working behind enemy lines.” Isn’t that just swell? We have a president who thinks that the private sector is the enemy. Wonderful; just wonderful.

20 Words That Should Trigger a Homeland Security Alert, But Don’t

Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we now have a complete list of words that – if found on your web site – will cause your jack-booted overlords to give a jack-boot-based low-five to your door and take you away to live on a small Caribbean island with terrorists and Marines.
On the “this has got to trigger a lot of false-positives” side, the list includes “pork”, “cloud”, and “Mexico”, which seems to imply that Homeland Security’s REAL job is tracking the migration patterns of flying pigs.
Well, gotta keep the snoops snooping, I guess, otherwise they’ll be forced to admit their uselessness and start competing with honest Americans for real jobs.
But what really surprised me were the words that WEREN’T on the list, even though they’re even more worrisome than international porcine aviation. Hopefully DHS will be adding these with all due haste:
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“‘Forward’ – Unless they’re reading the Wisconsin flag.”

1) NPR
2) Occupy
3) Patchouli
4) Patriarchal
5) Warming
6) Global
7) Man-Made
8) People’s
9) Discrimination
10) Teabagger
11) Renewable
12) Change
13) Greed
14) Unacceptable
15) Planet
16) Organic
17) Undocumented
18) 99%
19) Profiling
20) Feelings

FEDS BUST CUTE COFFEE GIRLS

They’re from the government, and they’re here to help you.
The EEOC is investigating Marylou’s, a Massachusetts coffee house chain, for hiring only cute young ladies as waitresses and dressing them up in tight pink halter tops.
Nobody complained, you understand, it’s just that some jack-booted EEOC thug saw one of their commercials featuring the aforementioned attractive waitresses, and decided that being both perky and female on film was a crime that needed snooping into.
So who’s next on the list?
I speculate thusly:
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“I’m making this white guy head of the CFPB instead of this woman of color.”

1) Wal-Mart – Their logo features a yellow smiley face. Where are the red, white, black, and brown smiley faces?
2) Chippendale’s has yet to hire a dancer in a wheelchair.
3) The Mafia routinely file-13′s applications from anyone with blond hair, an unbroken nose, and a last name that doesn’t end with a vowel.
4) Ever notice that reality-TV talent shows only let you be “the cranky judge” if you’ve got a British accent?
5) I dare you to list all the armless professional soccer players. You’d think they’d be scooping them up by the bushel.
6) “The View” hasn’t offered Justin Bieber a job yet, and he’s 10 times the woman Joy Behar is.
7) Peter Dinklage? The Lakers won’t touch him, even though he’s impossible to guard. WHOOP! Right between your legs!
8) Speaking of basketball, LeBron still hasn’t heard back on that jockey gig. Is it because he’s black?
9) Remember when Bill Clinton went 8 years without hiring a single skinny intern? Not a peep from his EEOC.
10) I also heard about a cheese shop once that didn’t actually have any cheese, but I think that was in England, so having a bouzouki player apparently counted toward that hiring quota. Odd folk, the English.

27 FUN THINGS ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION

As a good American, it behooves you to know more about this precious document so many fought and died protecting, and thus I offer these Fun Facts About the Constitution:
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Contrary to current popular belief, does not contain an expiration date.

1) Despite a strong popular movement in the 1980′s, there was never an official ratification of the Constitutional amendment recognizing your right to party, although many people continue to fight for it to this day.
2) Four of the signers of the Constitution were born in Ireland. As such, the “secure the blessings of liberty” clause in the Preamble is generally considered to cover drinking and fighting [see "United States v. Paddy O'Tatertot," 1846]
3) The U.S. Constitution has 4,400 words. It is the oldest and shortest written Constitution of any major government in the world. North Korea’s “Shut up and obey” is shorter, but only dates from 1953.
4) Of the spelling errors in the Constitution, “Pensylvania” above the signers’ names is probably the most glaring. Of the misinterpretations, it’s Obama considering “commerce” to include “the act of not buying health insurance.”
5) The Constitution was “penned” by Jacob Shallus, a Pennsylvania General Assembly clerk, for $30, which – in today’s dollars – is about twice as much Bill Ayers got for writing Obama’s “autobiography.” Understandable, since Jacob didn’t have to make up anything about eating dogs.
6) Since 1952, the Constitution has been on display in the National Archives Building in Washington, DC. Currently, all four pages are displayed behind protective glass framed with titanium. To preserve the parchment’s quality, the cases contain argon gas and are kept at 67 degrees Fahrenheit with a relative humidity of 40 percent. It’s guarded by 10 men with strict orders to shoot Nicholas Cage on sight.
7) The Constitution does not set forth requirements for the right to vote. As a result, at the outset of the Union, only male property-owners could vote. African Americans were not considered citizens, and women were excluded from the electoral process. Native Americans were not given the right to vote until 1924. Dead people voting is not, strictly speaking, constitutional, just a time-honored Chicago tradition.
8) James Madison, “the father of the Constitution,” was the first to arrive in Philadelphia for the Constitutional Convention. He was also the first to concuss a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback with a thrown beer bottle.
9) When it came time for the states to ratify the Constitution, the lack of any bill of rights was the primary sticking point, with the unresolved question of whether Miller Lite tasted great or was less filling running a close second.
10) Because of his poor health, Benjamin Franklin needed help to sign the Constitution. As he did so, tears streamed down his face. Pansy cried at the end of “Titanic,” too.
11) The youngest person to sign the Constitution was Jonathan Dayton of New Jersey, age 26, who nearly refused since the document didn’t allow him to stay on his parents’ health insurance.
12) When the Constitution was signed, the United States’ population was 4 million. Surprisingly, 99% of the population at that time did not consist of spoiled, entitled idiots with too much free time and a desperate need for attention.
13) A proclamation by President George Washington and a congressional resolution established the first national Thanksgiving Day on November 26, 1789. The reason for the holiday was to give “thanks” for the new Constitution. This led directly to the Second Amendment right to “keep and bear turkey dinners.”
14) There was initially a question as to how to address the President, since it wasn’t mentioned in the Constitution. The Senate proposed that he be addressed as “His Highness the President of the United States of America and Protector of their Liberties.” Both the House of Representatives and the Senate compromised on the use of “President of the United States.” This was eventually shortened to “Bushitler.”
15) George Washington and James Madison were the only presidents who signed the Constitution. Counting Grover Cleveland’s two non-consecutive terms as one president, 40 more at least read it.
16) As Benjamin Franklin left the Pennsylvania State House after the final meeting of the Constitutional Convention on September 17, 1787, he was approached by the wife of the mayor of Philadelphia. She was curious as to what the new government would be. Franklin replied, “A republic, madam. If you can keep it.” Some urban legends claim he also added “or whatever tatters Obama leaves you with.”
17) Vermont ratified the Constitution on January 10, 1791, even though it had not yet become a state. Bunch of over-eager, sugar-addled syrup-swillers.
18) The word “democracy” does not appear once in the Constitution. Neither does the phrase, “knock it off, you stupid foreigners or we’ll bomb the crap out of you and steal your oil,” although most historians now agree it should have.
19) There was a proposal at the Constitutional Convention to limit the standing army for the country to 5,000 men. George Washington sarcastically agreed with this proposal as long as a stipulation was added that no invading army could number more than 3,000 troops. This later became known as “The Obama Doctrine.”
20) The delegates were involved in Constitutional debates from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m. six days a week with only a 10 day break during the duration of the convention. This is the last time a government body worked that hard without doing more harm than good.
21) From 1804 to 1865 there were no amendments added to the Constitution. This was the longest unamended period in American history. Since then, politicians have been fiddling with the Constitution like over-caffeinated ferrets twiddling with a Rubik’s Cube.
22) After the Constitution was ratified, the national government spent $4.3 million during the first session of Congress from 1789-1791. These days, that wouldn’t buy those spendthrift bastards lunch.
23) At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, Benjamin Franklin observed the symbol of a half-sun on George Washington’s chair and remarked, “I have the happiness to know that it is a rising and not a setting sun.” Turns out an “American Day” only lasts 222 years.
24) Benjamin Franklin made a suggestion at the Constitutional Convention that the sessions be opened with a prayer. The delegates refused to accept the motion, stating that there was not enough money to hire a chaplain. Apparently they were saving up to fund development of a “sun-energized horseless-carriage.”
25) Of the 55 delegates who attended the Constitutional Convention, 34 were lawyers, 8 had signed the Declaration of Independence, and almost half were Revolutionary War veterans. All of them supported “gay marriage,” but not the kind you’re thinking of.
26) During the Constitutional Convention, Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts was opposed to the office of Vice President, saying, “the close intimacy that must subsist between the President and Vice President makes it absolutely improper.” Like I said, not the kind of gay marriage you’re thinking of.
27) The only other language besides English used in various parts of the Constitution is Latin. Although with the current President, apparently it’s all Greek to him.
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Remember, the best way to honor those who fell: enjoy their gift of being able to live as free men in a free country.
Today, I’m going with free speech.

New Obama slogan has long ties to Marxism, socialism

The Obama campaign apparently didn't look backwards into history when selecting its new campaign slogan, "Forward" — a word with a long and rich association with European Marxism.
Many Communist and radical publications and entities throughout the 19th and 20th centuries had the name "Forward!" or its foreign cognates. Wikipedia has an entire section called "Forward (generic name of socialist publications)."
"The name Forward carries a special meaning in socialist political terminology. It has been frequently used as a name for socialist, communist and other left-wing newspapers and publications," the online encyclopedia explains.
The slogan "Forward!" reflected the conviction of European Marxists and radicals that their movements reflected the march of history, which would move forward past capitalism and into socialism and communism.
The Obama campaign released its new campaign slogan Monday in a 7-minute video. The title card has simply the word "Forward" with the "O" having the familiar Obama logo from 2008. It will be played at rallies this weekend that mark the Obama re-election campaign's official beginning.
There have been at least two radical-left publications named "Vorwaerts" (the German word for "Forward"). One was the daily newspaper of the Social Democratic Party of Germany whose writers included Friedrich Engels and Leon Trotsky. It still publishes as the organ of Germany's SDP, though that party has changed considerably since World War II. Another was the 1844 biweekly reader of the Communist League. Karl Marx, Engels and Mikhail Bakunin are among the names associated with that publication.
East Germany named its Army soccer club ASK Vorwaerts Berlin (later FC Vorwaerts Frankfort).
Vladimir Lenin founded the publication "Vpered" (the Russian word for "forward") in 1905. Soviet propaganda film-maker Dziga Vertov made a documentary whose title is sometimes translated as "Forward, Soviet" (though also and more literally as "Stride, Soviet").
Conservative critics of the Obama administration have noted numerous ties to radicalism and socialists throughout Mr. Obama's history, from his first political campaign being launched from the living room of two former Weather Underground members, to appointing as green jobs czar Van Jones, a self-described communist.