Now isn’t that an stupifyingly ignorant statement for anyone with an ounce of sense to make in our current economy? Let alone the current occupier of the White House. Maybe I should reserve the use of my “occutard” label for Obama.
The private sector is doing just fine? Really? The next time you go out and try to find a job – other than a government job – and the business owner tells you that he’s just not hiring right now, ask him why? After all, the private sector is doing just fine! Obama says so! And if your boss comes to you this week and – let’s hope this doesn’t happen – tells you that he is going to have to lay you off because business hasn’t picked up enough, you just go chin-to-chin with that liar and tell him that the private sector is doing just fine … Obama said so … and Obama is “sort of a God,” and God wouldn’t lie to us. You know where the lie is? It’s those pesky jobs numbers – the government’s monthly estimates of new jobs created – that just has to be a lie. We need around 140,000 or so new jobs every month just to keep up with our population increases. Right now new job creation is at about half that .. .and has been for a good little while. Our government reports that 69,000 jobs were created in May. In July, when the June numbers are revealed, we’ll learn that the 69,000 figure has been revised downward. That’s the ObamaEconomy.
OK … let’s put this thing into perspective. Within four hours of his “private sector is doing just fine” gaffe, Obama was before the TV cameras shoving that statement (some use the phrase “walking back”) right up into the orifice from which it came. The trouble is, he wasn’t shoving that statement back because he realized, on his own, that he had made a mistake. He was re-inserting his “the private sector is doing just fine” bit of male bovine defecation because some advisor told him he really needed to. Just look at the rest of Obama’s statement later Friday afternoon to discover that, even after the firestorm, he didn’t really understand what people were upset about. Obama, you see, told us on Friday that the REAL problem with our economy was that GOVERNMENT, not the private sector, just wasn’t growing enough.
I’ve been telling you for four years now that this is a man who believes that America is great not because of freedom; not because of a system of economic liberty under the rule of law. Noooooo. This footstool believes that America is great because of GOVERNMENT. After I talked myself pretty much blue in the face on this issue, Obama came along a few weeks ago and completely backed me up. He told us that America was great because of “government spending.” In fact, I believe the phraseology he used was “the government spending that made America great.” Then, in the weeks that followed, Obama made it a continuing practice to select great examples of American entrepreneurship and then try to tell the people that these examples would never have happened if it were not for government spending.
This ridiculous man is so in love with government that if he decided to offer his sperm in exchange for campaign donations those folks at the clinic would send him into that comfy little room with a specimen cup and a copy of the Federal Register. Playboy just wouldn’t work for him.
The truth of the matter is that the private sector will be doing just fine on the morning after the election if we wake up to find that Barry Barack Hussein Kardashian Clooney Soetero Obama has been defeated and will soon be packing his packing his crap into a YouseHaul and heading back to Chicago.
I'm just an individual who hopes to inspire but not impose his views on others. I seek not to convince but only hope that my words are written well enough to get others to delve deeper into their own thoughts and ideas. I am sincere in all that I say but never so serious as to not listen to the ideas of others
Monday, June 11, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
DEAR AMERICA: EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED IN KINDERTEN IS WRONG!!!!
Recently, it has become obvious that there are serious structural problems in
our financial system. Of course, the cause of this mess is a string of
congressional dictates to mortgage lenders ordering them to give loans to
dangerously underqualified people. Apparently, requiring your applicants to meet
basic requirements like having a job and a credit history is racist and the
whole system is racist and you're a racist .
Anyway, what really is pissing me off is that the preening progtards that caused this mess like Obama and Dodd and Barney Frank are getting away with telling us that the big banks "ripped off the American people." Now, he's a politician and his job is to lie to you but I'm just a ranting internet 'personality' so I'm going to level with you.
This mess is your fault.
I'm not saying that every voter in America is directly responsible but by the election choices we've made and the financial choices a large number of us have made, we've gotten ourselves into this mess. Deep down, you know it the Democrats are feeding you a line of bullshit. You know that "the man" isn't the reason these banks are in trouble. You know that the financial institutions didn't 'rip off the American people.' In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The American people voted for socialist weasels who forced them to give money to borrowers that didn't deserve it. The American people ripped off the large banks.
This brings me to the real reason I'm pissed off. Obama is going to get away with it. Obama and his ultra-liberal allies (who fucking caused this) are going to be allowed to lie to your faces about what happened here because 40 years of hippie bullshit has finally corrupted the smart part of your brains. The part of you that accepts responsibility for your own stupidity has been overwhelmed by decades of mottos and sayings and beliefs so fucking stupid that only intellectuals and people with bong resin for blood could believe them. Well, until they were repeated so many times that even the average American believes them without thinking about it.
Hippies
I'm going to go through some of the stupidest sayings we've all heard a thousand times and explain why they're fricken stupid. Then I'm going to yell at you a bit more about how we all need to accept responsibility for our selfish, stupidity and stop blaming people more successful than us for our failings. Sorry, everybody, you aren't the smartest or the fastest or the most talented and, for that reason, you don't deserve the success your betters enjoy. I know it isn't fair. Life isn't.
Money Isn't Everything
Of course it is. If you don't believe it is, you're functionally retarded. Now look, I agree, small squares of green paper with dead people printed on them aren't everything. The number in your bank account isn't everything. Being able to buy a solid-gold house or a rocket car isn't everything. But the economy is everything.
Yes, everything.
Economics is the study of how people use a limited number of resources to fulfill an unlimited demand for them. The best way humanity has ever found to disperse these items in a relatively fair way is to use money. Money is a placeholder that allows you to specialize in juggling and exchange that juggling for food. Were there no money it would be difficult to walk into a grocery store and attempt to trade your ball-handling for a sandwich. I'd call the cops.
What money represents is everything. It isn't just a way to buy things, it represents the only thing of any value in the world: your time. Every minute you work for a paycheck is represented by that number in your bank account. The very essence of your existence is stuffed haphazardly in your wallet. This is why hippie arguments that you shouldn't be so fucking upset about raising taxes because "its only money" are so retarded. It isn't only money. It is your life.
When asked if I would shoot a man who was trying to steal my TV, I say yes because that TV isn't just a thing. It is time. It is a portion of my life I can never get back and the piece of shit stealing it is so useless as a human being that he can't convert his own time into a TV without stealing mine. I say the world is better off without him. And it is better off without this ridiculous belief that money isn't important. It is crucial. It is the only thing, just like winning. Which brings me to...
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game.
Screw that Hippei Bullcrap.
I'm not saying that winning is everything in trivial pursuits like sports or rock-paper-scissors competitions but let's not get crazy and say that winning doesn't matter. Winning is obviously critical to the very nature of human interaction and life and everything else. Winning is 42.
Look, at some point children (and slowly developing adults) need to learn that the world isn't on your team. Karma isn't your buddy and luck isn't going to give you a reach around no matter how many times you have that slut at the casino "blow" on your "dice." The only way to succeed in life is to charge headlong into the delight that is human competition and eke out your share of the pie. Without any doubt, there is plenty to go around but if you go through life thinking you deserve something, you're going to end up a loser or bringing all of humanity down with you like these retards buying 300,000 dollar houses when they work at McDonald's.
I know competition is hard and it is depressing when you lose but...
Do What Makes You Happy
Does anyone seriously think this is a way to go through life? Are the concepts of duty and honor and sacrifice so completely dead in this country that anybody can envision a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of his own happiness? While it is clear from the recent market disruptions that the vast majority of people do not understand the consequences their actions have on others, it is even more disturbing that the few that do understand seem completely dedicated to denying it or at least dodging responsibility for it.
Of course, the hippies always were most dedicated to avoiding responsibility. They didn't want to fight for a country that gave them everything so they dodged the draft. They didn't want to study important skills society needed so they invented women's studies and sociology (for more on my desperate hatred of sociology, look at Moron Pundit.) They didn't want to deal with a reality that wasn't perfect so they spent most of their time swimming in a cloud of 'mind-expanding' chemicals. They didn't want to deal with the responsibility and challenge of relationships and family so they preached free love. In every conceivable way, the hippies were as useless as a human being can become.
And yet, prevailing conventional wisdom somehow contends that a music festival like Woodstock was socially important. Fucking ridiculous. Woodstock was one of the most amazing displays of hubris, laziness and selfish waste in history and those pieces of shit have the audacity to call Wall Street bankers selfish? Do you think the traders that killed themselves on Black Tuesday did it because they lost their own money? Only someone with no understanding of honor and duty could believe that. They jumped because they couldn't face the shame and horror of telling thousands of people that they didn't have their money.
And make no mistake, as much as I understand that the CEO's of AIG and Lehmans are rich beyond my wildest dreams, they do understand duty and responsibility. It is that understanding that makes the leader of a company like AIG go to the government and beg them to take a controlling interest in what is, by all measures, the sum total of his life out of his hands.
Of course, the people that took the loans that spurred this disaster along with the (perhaps) well-meaning politicians that forced the banks to create this environment simply don't understand how the world works. How goods and services exchange hands. How the entirety of reality actually works. If they did, they certainly wouldn't think that a poor person with a bad credit history should EVER EVER EVER get a home loan. An honest, responsible person confronted with the ability to take a loan in that circumstance would also want the bank to reject them. But for some reason, these people seem to have no knowledge of the consequences of failure to repay not only to themselves but to everyone around them. Each of these people, and to a large extent most people in the country, seem to operate as if they live in a vacuum. They make choices following this holiest of the hippie doctrines: make yourself happy. Do what you want to do. Who cares if the person that built your house doesn't get paid or the man who wants to get a loan next year can't because the mortgage company is in bankruptcy. Not you. You got your free house and fuck everyone else. Well, fuck you and fuck your stupid idiology. I'm not sure who's more useless, the person preaching this bullshit or the person that manages to believe it.
Unfortunately, we'll never have a politician that tells you how fucking selfish you are because they want you to like them. Too bad that most Americans have lost what seems to be the most important grown-up skill of all, being able to accept when they don't deserve something they want.
Free Love
I touched on this above but it deserves a little extra wrath of its own. Many debates in this country rage because of many people's retarded belief that love is what really matters in civilization. Love is great, don't get me wrong and it is clearly a driving factor in the progress of the human species but it is only useful when coupled with dedication and commitment. Debates about gay marriage, abortion and welfare are all based on a belief that the one thing we mustn't do is interfere with people's ability to love who they want how they want. Unfortunately, society is not helped in any way by love but instead the bonds of family created when love is stable and permanent.
While I don't particularly care if gays are allowed to get married or not, I know that they have consistently made a very stupid argument in its favor; namely that if two people love each other it should be allowed. I ask again, what the fuck does the government care about your love? It doesn't. It cares about a stable environment to raise healthy, productive children who in turn can create healthy, productive families of their own. Again, gay couples probably meet this criteria but they should make that argument, not the former.
This leads to the rampant use of abortion as birth control for people too in love to consider the consequences of their actions. No wonder I often consider "in love" synonomous with "asshatted." As I've lived my life, I've grown more and more sure that marriage before sex IS probably the best (if perhaps not very realistic) way to do things. Instead, people fuck who they want, get pregnant a dozen times and treat abortions like tossing a condom wrapper. I'd be far more inclined to support the 'right to choose' if the choice were made through necessity, not laziness and a desire to avoid responsibility.
Don't even get me started on the results of Johnson's destruction of the poor community by tearing apart families and making them look to their government rather than their community and family for support in times of distress. I hope he's getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.
OMG! THE MAN IS BRINGING US DOWN/ CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL/RICH PEOPLE ARE RICH BECAUSE OTHERS ARE POOR/ETC/ETC
Only someone completely separated from the world of work and jobs and society could possibly believe this. I was forced as a requirement to take a class in Voodoo (sociology) and I recall my barely qualified instructor preaching that Vice Presidents were overpaid and that she could do their job but they surely couldn't do hers. They were just rich white men making sure their underlings stayed at each other's throats so they didn't notice how stupid and lazy they are.
If you believe this, you are mentally retarded. The fact of the matter is, by and large, CEO's and VP's and other executives make so much money because they are worth it. Not only could the average VP of anything come down and teach Voodoo better than this bitch but the first week she was trying to do the "easy" job of being a VP she'd have a nervous breakdown.
The fact of the matter is, people at the top of large organizations like corporations care more about the average American and do more for society than a thousand community organizers or social workers. The people that invest or work for these corporations are constantly on the minds of most executives and they strive constantly to do the best they can for all involved. Are there exceptions? Yes, and you hear about them at length every time they get caught but notice that there are thousands of corporations with many thousands of executives and the corporation-hating media and Democratic party can only find perhaps a dozen such people per year.
Everybody Is Equal
This is so laughable as to make me wonder if people are actually intelligent creatures. When the Declaration of Independence was originally written by Adams (the greatest American that ever lived, in my opinion) it said "All men are created equally free and independent" not "all men are created equal." Adams would surely have laughed at the latter thought. While we are and of a right should be equal in the eyes of god and law, there is absolutely no way anyone intelligent can contend that we are all equal. We each have differing levels of talent and intelligence and physical prowess and for these reasons should be expected to serve very different roles in society. Subsequently, we should expect to be rewarded very differently based on the value of our abilities.
Sorry, dumb, talentless people. You aren't as valuable to society as talented geniuses. Not only is this true but it is just. Society MUST reward those that benefit society the most and value them above other people. It doesn't mean you have to obey them, but they do deserve a nicer house than you.
A little analogy: Many of you believe it is just to take wealth from those with great reserves and give it to others with less. You believe they have more than they 'deserve' even though it is clear that they (in most cases) earned it and those with less can't seem to figure out how. It doesn't matter, they have too much and others need it.
Well, what if we take the example of someone who is very good with the ladies? Should I, as a less successful person have the right to sleep with his girlfriend because he has too much and I don't have enough? What about a talented writer? Should we all get our name on the cover with equal prominence because he is just hogging up all the writing talent and others deserve some.
Of course, none of this makes any sense because we didn't write the book. And we aren't charming and attractive. And we don't deserve to have lots of money because we haven't found a way to be useful to society in a comparable way.
I know it isn't fair. We've been over this.
Violence Doesn't Solve Anything
Yes. It does. In fact, I can think of no surer way to resolve any conflict than violence. It is hard to me to even imagine a problem I have that couldn't be solved by violence. That guy hitting on your girlfriend? Kill him. Not anymore. Somebody double park you in? Break into the car and roll it into the highway. See? Problem solved.
What? These actions cause more problems than they solved? Well, that's not what you said. You said violence doesn't solve anything. A more accurate statement is "Violence is so blunt and traumatic that, while it could be used to solve any problem, it should be used sparingly and with great care." I know that doesn't really fit on a bumper sticker but nothing intelligent does. I mean, placing "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms" on your car bumper is like advertising your extra chromosome.
Anyway, I'm so tired of this "everything you need to know, you learned in kindergarten", "are you smarter than a 5th grader*" bullshit philosophy that everything in the world can be summed up in simple, broad platitudes. For people that are constantly preaching that everything is gray areas, they sure are locked into a belief structure as simple as Forrest Gump's fashion sense.
Mean Poeple Suck
Sometimes I'm pretty sure this means "honest people suck" or "people smarter than me suck." Only in the modern PC world could denying a poor person a loan be considered "mean" or even illegal.
While being rejected for a loan may seem mean, you have to learn that sometimes the correct thing for another person or organization to do is to be mean to you. I once, in my stupider younger years attempted to get a loan without any collateral to which the loan officer responded with great sarcasm and condescension. I was outraged at the time but over the years that disdain has served me well because I didn't deserve a loan. What I was asking was essentially an insult to him and his institution. To think that they should just give me money and expect to be treated as an adult was ridiculous considering I'd walked in a proved I wasn't one.
In the end, people who whine about mean people suck. Put that on your bumper.
* I am smarter than a fifth grader. Way smarter. Only in modern America could a child knowing that a furlong is 660 feet be confused with superior intelligence. For example, I know how to drive a car which, last I checked, is far more valuable knowledge than the intricacies of the English measurement system. The idea for the show is cute but the title returns to that most annoying of trends in which people delight in explaining how things aren't like they obviously are. Oh no, running is actually bad for you! SURPRISE! You'd think that a decrease in violence in Iraq was due to.. um... less violence but a study conducted THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY about something completely unrelated like light patterns in Baghdad PROVE that is isn't! Think 9/11 was done by terrorists? THINK AGAIN SIMPLETON! Chimpy Retardiburton McBushitler orchestrated the most ingenious, diabolical attack on America without leaving behind ANY EVIDENCE! Oh my fucking god! Throw aside your preconceptions! We're in a zany, wacky world where anything is possible and the only people that toe the company line are brainless dinosaurs who hate black people and yearn for a return to the days of wife-beating and TB wards.
I don't rant this long often and if you got this far and feel I owe you an apology....TUFF! Get off your butt and VOTE !!!
Anyway, what really is pissing me off is that the preening progtards that caused this mess like Obama and Dodd and Barney Frank are getting away with telling us that the big banks "ripped off the American people." Now, he's a politician and his job is to lie to you but I'm just a ranting internet 'personality' so I'm going to level with you.
This mess is your fault.
I'm not saying that every voter in America is directly responsible but by the election choices we've made and the financial choices a large number of us have made, we've gotten ourselves into this mess. Deep down, you know it the Democrats are feeding you a line of bullshit. You know that "the man" isn't the reason these banks are in trouble. You know that the financial institutions didn't 'rip off the American people.' In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The American people voted for socialist weasels who forced them to give money to borrowers that didn't deserve it. The American people ripped off the large banks.
This brings me to the real reason I'm pissed off. Obama is going to get away with it. Obama and his ultra-liberal allies (who fucking caused this) are going to be allowed to lie to your faces about what happened here because 40 years of hippie bullshit has finally corrupted the smart part of your brains. The part of you that accepts responsibility for your own stupidity has been overwhelmed by decades of mottos and sayings and beliefs so fucking stupid that only intellectuals and people with bong resin for blood could believe them. Well, until they were repeated so many times that even the average American believes them without thinking about it.
Hippies
I'm going to go through some of the stupidest sayings we've all heard a thousand times and explain why they're fricken stupid. Then I'm going to yell at you a bit more about how we all need to accept responsibility for our selfish, stupidity and stop blaming people more successful than us for our failings. Sorry, everybody, you aren't the smartest or the fastest or the most talented and, for that reason, you don't deserve the success your betters enjoy. I know it isn't fair. Life isn't.
Money Isn't Everything
Of course it is. If you don't believe it is, you're functionally retarded. Now look, I agree, small squares of green paper with dead people printed on them aren't everything. The number in your bank account isn't everything. Being able to buy a solid-gold house or a rocket car isn't everything. But the economy is everything.
Yes, everything.
Economics is the study of how people use a limited number of resources to fulfill an unlimited demand for them. The best way humanity has ever found to disperse these items in a relatively fair way is to use money. Money is a placeholder that allows you to specialize in juggling and exchange that juggling for food. Were there no money it would be difficult to walk into a grocery store and attempt to trade your ball-handling for a sandwich. I'd call the cops.
What money represents is everything. It isn't just a way to buy things, it represents the only thing of any value in the world: your time. Every minute you work for a paycheck is represented by that number in your bank account. The very essence of your existence is stuffed haphazardly in your wallet. This is why hippie arguments that you shouldn't be so fucking upset about raising taxes because "its only money" are so retarded. It isn't only money. It is your life.
When asked if I would shoot a man who was trying to steal my TV, I say yes because that TV isn't just a thing. It is time. It is a portion of my life I can never get back and the piece of shit stealing it is so useless as a human being that he can't convert his own time into a TV without stealing mine. I say the world is better off without him. And it is better off without this ridiculous belief that money isn't important. It is crucial. It is the only thing, just like winning. Which brings me to...
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game.
Screw that Hippei Bullcrap.
I'm not saying that winning is everything in trivial pursuits like sports or rock-paper-scissors competitions but let's not get crazy and say that winning doesn't matter. Winning is obviously critical to the very nature of human interaction and life and everything else. Winning is 42.
Look, at some point children (and slowly developing adults) need to learn that the world isn't on your team. Karma isn't your buddy and luck isn't going to give you a reach around no matter how many times you have that slut at the casino "blow" on your "dice." The only way to succeed in life is to charge headlong into the delight that is human competition and eke out your share of the pie. Without any doubt, there is plenty to go around but if you go through life thinking you deserve something, you're going to end up a loser or bringing all of humanity down with you like these retards buying 300,000 dollar houses when they work at McDonald's.
I know competition is hard and it is depressing when you lose but...
Do What Makes You Happy
Does anyone seriously think this is a way to go through life? Are the concepts of duty and honor and sacrifice so completely dead in this country that anybody can envision a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of his own happiness? While it is clear from the recent market disruptions that the vast majority of people do not understand the consequences their actions have on others, it is even more disturbing that the few that do understand seem completely dedicated to denying it or at least dodging responsibility for it.
Of course, the hippies always were most dedicated to avoiding responsibility. They didn't want to fight for a country that gave them everything so they dodged the draft. They didn't want to study important skills society needed so they invented women's studies and sociology (for more on my desperate hatred of sociology, look at Moron Pundit.) They didn't want to deal with a reality that wasn't perfect so they spent most of their time swimming in a cloud of 'mind-expanding' chemicals. They didn't want to deal with the responsibility and challenge of relationships and family so they preached free love. In every conceivable way, the hippies were as useless as a human being can become.
And yet, prevailing conventional wisdom somehow contends that a music festival like Woodstock was socially important. Fucking ridiculous. Woodstock was one of the most amazing displays of hubris, laziness and selfish waste in history and those pieces of shit have the audacity to call Wall Street bankers selfish? Do you think the traders that killed themselves on Black Tuesday did it because they lost their own money? Only someone with no understanding of honor and duty could believe that. They jumped because they couldn't face the shame and horror of telling thousands of people that they didn't have their money.
And make no mistake, as much as I understand that the CEO's of AIG and Lehmans are rich beyond my wildest dreams, they do understand duty and responsibility. It is that understanding that makes the leader of a company like AIG go to the government and beg them to take a controlling interest in what is, by all measures, the sum total of his life out of his hands.
Of course, the people that took the loans that spurred this disaster along with the (perhaps) well-meaning politicians that forced the banks to create this environment simply don't understand how the world works. How goods and services exchange hands. How the entirety of reality actually works. If they did, they certainly wouldn't think that a poor person with a bad credit history should EVER EVER EVER get a home loan. An honest, responsible person confronted with the ability to take a loan in that circumstance would also want the bank to reject them. But for some reason, these people seem to have no knowledge of the consequences of failure to repay not only to themselves but to everyone around them. Each of these people, and to a large extent most people in the country, seem to operate as if they live in a vacuum. They make choices following this holiest of the hippie doctrines: make yourself happy. Do what you want to do. Who cares if the person that built your house doesn't get paid or the man who wants to get a loan next year can't because the mortgage company is in bankruptcy. Not you. You got your free house and fuck everyone else. Well, fuck you and fuck your stupid idiology. I'm not sure who's more useless, the person preaching this bullshit or the person that manages to believe it.
Unfortunately, we'll never have a politician that tells you how fucking selfish you are because they want you to like them. Too bad that most Americans have lost what seems to be the most important grown-up skill of all, being able to accept when they don't deserve something they want.
Free Love
I touched on this above but it deserves a little extra wrath of its own. Many debates in this country rage because of many people's retarded belief that love is what really matters in civilization. Love is great, don't get me wrong and it is clearly a driving factor in the progress of the human species but it is only useful when coupled with dedication and commitment. Debates about gay marriage, abortion and welfare are all based on a belief that the one thing we mustn't do is interfere with people's ability to love who they want how they want. Unfortunately, society is not helped in any way by love but instead the bonds of family created when love is stable and permanent.
While I don't particularly care if gays are allowed to get married or not, I know that they have consistently made a very stupid argument in its favor; namely that if two people love each other it should be allowed. I ask again, what the fuck does the government care about your love? It doesn't. It cares about a stable environment to raise healthy, productive children who in turn can create healthy, productive families of their own. Again, gay couples probably meet this criteria but they should make that argument, not the former.
This leads to the rampant use of abortion as birth control for people too in love to consider the consequences of their actions. No wonder I often consider "in love" synonomous with "asshatted." As I've lived my life, I've grown more and more sure that marriage before sex IS probably the best (if perhaps not very realistic) way to do things. Instead, people fuck who they want, get pregnant a dozen times and treat abortions like tossing a condom wrapper. I'd be far more inclined to support the 'right to choose' if the choice were made through necessity, not laziness and a desire to avoid responsibility.
Don't even get me started on the results of Johnson's destruction of the poor community by tearing apart families and making them look to their government rather than their community and family for support in times of distress. I hope he's getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.
OMG! THE MAN IS BRINGING US DOWN/ CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL/RICH PEOPLE ARE RICH BECAUSE OTHERS ARE POOR/ETC/ETC
Only someone completely separated from the world of work and jobs and society could possibly believe this. I was forced as a requirement to take a class in Voodoo (sociology) and I recall my barely qualified instructor preaching that Vice Presidents were overpaid and that she could do their job but they surely couldn't do hers. They were just rich white men making sure their underlings stayed at each other's throats so they didn't notice how stupid and lazy they are.
If you believe this, you are mentally retarded. The fact of the matter is, by and large, CEO's and VP's and other executives make so much money because they are worth it. Not only could the average VP of anything come down and teach Voodoo better than this bitch but the first week she was trying to do the "easy" job of being a VP she'd have a nervous breakdown.
The fact of the matter is, people at the top of large organizations like corporations care more about the average American and do more for society than a thousand community organizers or social workers. The people that invest or work for these corporations are constantly on the minds of most executives and they strive constantly to do the best they can for all involved. Are there exceptions? Yes, and you hear about them at length every time they get caught but notice that there are thousands of corporations with many thousands of executives and the corporation-hating media and Democratic party can only find perhaps a dozen such people per year.
Everybody Is Equal
This is so laughable as to make me wonder if people are actually intelligent creatures. When the Declaration of Independence was originally written by Adams (the greatest American that ever lived, in my opinion) it said "All men are created equally free and independent" not "all men are created equal." Adams would surely have laughed at the latter thought. While we are and of a right should be equal in the eyes of god and law, there is absolutely no way anyone intelligent can contend that we are all equal. We each have differing levels of talent and intelligence and physical prowess and for these reasons should be expected to serve very different roles in society. Subsequently, we should expect to be rewarded very differently based on the value of our abilities.
Sorry, dumb, talentless people. You aren't as valuable to society as talented geniuses. Not only is this true but it is just. Society MUST reward those that benefit society the most and value them above other people. It doesn't mean you have to obey them, but they do deserve a nicer house than you.
A little analogy: Many of you believe it is just to take wealth from those with great reserves and give it to others with less. You believe they have more than they 'deserve' even though it is clear that they (in most cases) earned it and those with less can't seem to figure out how. It doesn't matter, they have too much and others need it.
Well, what if we take the example of someone who is very good with the ladies? Should I, as a less successful person have the right to sleep with his girlfriend because he has too much and I don't have enough? What about a talented writer? Should we all get our name on the cover with equal prominence because he is just hogging up all the writing talent and others deserve some.
Of course, none of this makes any sense because we didn't write the book. And we aren't charming and attractive. And we don't deserve to have lots of money because we haven't found a way to be useful to society in a comparable way.
I know it isn't fair. We've been over this.
Violence Doesn't Solve Anything
Yes. It does. In fact, I can think of no surer way to resolve any conflict than violence. It is hard to me to even imagine a problem I have that couldn't be solved by violence. That guy hitting on your girlfriend? Kill him. Not anymore. Somebody double park you in? Break into the car and roll it into the highway. See? Problem solved.
What? These actions cause more problems than they solved? Well, that's not what you said. You said violence doesn't solve anything. A more accurate statement is "Violence is so blunt and traumatic that, while it could be used to solve any problem, it should be used sparingly and with great care." I know that doesn't really fit on a bumper sticker but nothing intelligent does. I mean, placing "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms" on your car bumper is like advertising your extra chromosome.
Anyway, I'm so tired of this "everything you need to know, you learned in kindergarten", "are you smarter than a 5th grader*" bullshit philosophy that everything in the world can be summed up in simple, broad platitudes. For people that are constantly preaching that everything is gray areas, they sure are locked into a belief structure as simple as Forrest Gump's fashion sense.
Mean Poeple Suck
Sometimes I'm pretty sure this means "honest people suck" or "people smarter than me suck." Only in the modern PC world could denying a poor person a loan be considered "mean" or even illegal.
While being rejected for a loan may seem mean, you have to learn that sometimes the correct thing for another person or organization to do is to be mean to you. I once, in my stupider younger years attempted to get a loan without any collateral to which the loan officer responded with great sarcasm and condescension. I was outraged at the time but over the years that disdain has served me well because I didn't deserve a loan. What I was asking was essentially an insult to him and his institution. To think that they should just give me money and expect to be treated as an adult was ridiculous considering I'd walked in a proved I wasn't one.
In the end, people who whine about mean people suck. Put that on your bumper.
* I am smarter than a fifth grader. Way smarter. Only in modern America could a child knowing that a furlong is 660 feet be confused with superior intelligence. For example, I know how to drive a car which, last I checked, is far more valuable knowledge than the intricacies of the English measurement system. The idea for the show is cute but the title returns to that most annoying of trends in which people delight in explaining how things aren't like they obviously are. Oh no, running is actually bad for you! SURPRISE! You'd think that a decrease in violence in Iraq was due to.. um... less violence but a study conducted THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY about something completely unrelated like light patterns in Baghdad PROVE that is isn't! Think 9/11 was done by terrorists? THINK AGAIN SIMPLETON! Chimpy Retardiburton McBushitler orchestrated the most ingenious, diabolical attack on America without leaving behind ANY EVIDENCE! Oh my fucking god! Throw aside your preconceptions! We're in a zany, wacky world where anything is possible and the only people that toe the company line are brainless dinosaurs who hate black people and yearn for a return to the days of wife-beating and TB wards.
I don't rant this long often and if you got this far and feel I owe you an apology....TUFF! Get off your butt and VOTE !!!
The Government Exists To Protect Our Rights
Hopefully you are all familiar with the founding documents
of this nation: the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and particularly today the
Declaration of Independence. When I was in college, I was mortified when in
literature class, the students were required to read the Declaration and most of
them expressed surprise about what was actually in it. So I am not sure I can
expect you to know that it says the
following:
We hold these truths to be
self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and
the pursuit of Happiness.
To break it down a little bit, we start with the idea that
these are self-evident truths. Of course when they said it the overwhelming
majority of the world’s governments did not recognize these “truths” and even
today I am not sure a majority of the world’s population lives under a
government that respects those truths. I think the best way to understand those
words, then, is that to all good people, these were self-evident truths.
There will always be tyrants, great and petty, and their Brownshirts, who do not
believe that these are self-evident truths, but there is a point where you just
say, “you know what? If you can’t even agree on this, then it is not a
reflection on the truth of the sentiment, so much as a reflection on your
character.” If these truths are not self-evident to you, it’s an indictment on
you.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ALABAMA
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week: first in our hearts, first in the alphabet, dead last in shoes per capita, we’re headed down south to Alabama, so let’s get started…
______________
* Alabama is a medium-sized state in the Southern US. It’s very similar to its neighboring state, Florida, except it doesn’t have as many old people or alligators.
* The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: “Alabama – where every day is like Mardi Gras!”
* The state motto has since been changed to “Alabama – the sorta shaped like a beer gut state”.
* Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn’t be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.
* The world’s first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.
* Perhaps NOW you understand NASA’s fear.
* Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.
* To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America’s first pitchfork tax in 1937.
* The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.
* Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.
* Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname “Birthplace of Bad Ideas”.
* The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.
* Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn’t count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn’t seem to have as much of a problem with it.
* Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning “can’t count past 20 even with his shoes off.”
* Alabama’s state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it’s state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.
* Serves ‘em right for building it out of sticks.
* Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for “Batting While Black”.
* The state song of Alabama is “Alabama”. I’d sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.
* Well, except “gamma”, but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn’t really work.
* The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton’s hair-do.
* The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word “gamma” in a song.
* Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.
* In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I’m not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists “being an Alabama native” as a “handicap” rather than a “disability”.
* Hitler’s typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer, Alabama. It’s unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
* The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning “Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!”
* Alabama’s official state mineral is automotive rust.
* Alabama’s state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or – as natives refer to it – “that pretty little bug what’s flappin’ around over there.”
* Alabama’s state bird is the pecan pie.
* Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler’s typewriter. I’m not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.
* In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command “Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”. Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply – “Holy crap! They’re coming right for us! RUN!”
* Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama’s beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the “Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks” Festival.
* The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn’t allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.
______________
That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be hitting the frozen tundra – and a few baby seals – as we take a look at Alaska.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama’s state song:
I live in Alabama… I really hate my mamma… I hit her with a hamma… and they threw me in the slamma…
Hmmm… not bad.
This week: first in our hearts, first in the alphabet, dead last in shoes per capita, we’re headed down south to Alabama, so let’s get started…
______________
 |
* The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: “Alabama – where every day is like Mardi Gras!”
* The state motto has since been changed to “Alabama – the sorta shaped like a beer gut state”.
* Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn’t be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.
* The world’s first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.
* Perhaps NOW you understand NASA’s fear.
* Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.
* To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America’s first pitchfork tax in 1937.
* The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.
* Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.
* Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname “Birthplace of Bad Ideas”.
* The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.
* Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn’t count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn’t seem to have as much of a problem with it.
* Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning “can’t count past 20 even with his shoes off.”
* Alabama’s state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it’s state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.
* Serves ‘em right for building it out of sticks.
* Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for “Batting While Black”.
* The state song of Alabama is “Alabama”. I’d sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.
* Well, except “gamma”, but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn’t really work.
* The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton’s hair-do.
* The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word “gamma” in a song.
* Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.
* In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I’m not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists “being an Alabama native” as a “handicap” rather than a “disability”.
* Hitler’s typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer, Alabama. It’s unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
* The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning “Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!”
* Alabama’s official state mineral is automotive rust.
* Alabama’s state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or – as natives refer to it – “that pretty little bug what’s flappin’ around over there.”
* Alabama’s state bird is the pecan pie.
* Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler’s typewriter. I’m not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.
* In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command “Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”. Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply – “Holy crap! They’re coming right for us! RUN!”
* Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama’s beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the “Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks” Festival.
* The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn’t allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.
______________
That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be hitting the frozen tundra – and a few baby seals – as we take a look at Alaska.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama’s state song:
I live in Alabama… I really hate my mamma… I hit her with a hamma… and they threw me in the slamma…
Hmmm… not bad.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ALASKA
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll discover the incomparable, if slightly disturbing, joys of dog-whipping as we mush our sled north to Alaska, so let’s get started…
______________
* Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton’s marriage.
* Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
* 90% of Alaska’s oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
* There are no cars in Alaska because it’s too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
* The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
* Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for “cold”, all of which start with “Damn!”
* Like that line? I stole it from a Mexican while he was sneaking across the border.
* Alaska’s original state motto was “Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?”
* Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims – much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
* The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
* Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
* Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep.
* It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
* During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
* Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
* The fishing industry is Alaska’s largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
* All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it was safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
* Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
* If I remember correctly, Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not.
* I’ll let you think about that one for a minute.
* The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn’t be confused with puppy blending – the official state sport of Tennessee.
* The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
* Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn’t have a word to describe the temperature.
* The current official state motto of Alaska is “North to the future”. The unofficial state motto is “South to somewhere warm.”
* Contrary to popular myth, there are no penguins in Alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
* Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
* Alaska’s name is based on the Eskimo word “Alakshak”, which means “Damn!”
______________
That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be elbowing leathery-skinned retirees out of our way at the mall as we take in the sights of Arizona.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression…
This week, we’ll discover the incomparable, if slightly disturbing, joys of dog-whipping as we mush our sled north to Alaska, so let’s get started…
______________
 |
* Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
* 90% of Alaska’s oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
* There are no cars in Alaska because it’s too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
* The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
* Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for “cold”, all of which start with “Damn!”
* Like that line? I stole it from a Mexican while he was sneaking across the border.
* Alaska’s original state motto was “Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?”
* Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims – much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
* The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
* Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
* Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep.
* It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
* During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
* Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
* The fishing industry is Alaska’s largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
* All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it was safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
* Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
* If I remember correctly, Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not.
* I’ll let you think about that one for a minute.
* The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn’t be confused with puppy blending – the official state sport of Tennessee.
* The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
* Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn’t have a word to describe the temperature.
* The current official state motto of Alaska is “North to the future”. The unofficial state motto is “South to somewhere warm.”
* Contrary to popular myth, there are no penguins in Alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
* Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
* Alaska’s name is based on the Eskimo word “Alakshak”, which means “Damn!”
______________
That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be elbowing leathery-skinned retirees out of our way at the mall as we take in the sights of Arizona.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression…
FUN FACTS ABOUT ARIZONA
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
______________
* Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.
* Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.
* The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
* The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950′s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
* What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
* The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
* Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.
* Yeah, me too.
* Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
* Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
* Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”
* Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
* There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
* Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.
* The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.
* One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
* Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
* The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. It’s numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
* When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
* The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.
* The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
* The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
* The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
* The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.
* The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!
* Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
* Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.
* The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
* Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
* Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
* Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
______________
That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.
This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
______________
 |
* Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.
* The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
* The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950′s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
* What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
* The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
* Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.
* Yeah, me too.
* Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
* Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
* Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”
* Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
* There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
* Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.
* The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.
* One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
* Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
* The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. It’s numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
* When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
* The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.
* The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
* The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
* The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
* The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.
* The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!
* Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
* Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.
* The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
* Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
* Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
* Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
______________
That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ARKANSAS
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going to where “rustic charm” is just a real-estate-euphemism for “front-yard washing machine” as we head on down to Arkansas, so let’s get started…
______________
* Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.
* The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it’s not as hard to spell.
* The state motto of Arkansas is “book learnin’s fer sissies!”.
* Little Rock, Arkansas, is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Just look for the building that’s shaped like a damp cigar.
* There’s also a Hillary Clinton Library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.
* Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Gennifer.
* Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we’ve been stuck with it ever since.
* America’s winningest college football coach, Paul “Bear” Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.
* The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as “Degataga” which means “OW! OW! OW!”
* General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.
* The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.
* Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state’s name as ar-KAN-sas.
* Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.
* Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.
* The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.
* Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we… MFFMMRGRM!!!” – NOW we’re there ya little brat!
* Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.
* Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.
* Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.
* Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.
* People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.
* If someone from Arkansas says “hi” to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.
* Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.
* If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don’t shoot it with bullets, because you’ll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.
* Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.
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That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be slowly realizing that the idea of turning Los Angeles into a walled-off deportation center for degenerates shouldn’t have stalled out with a movie starring Kurt Russell as we take a look at California.
This week, we’re going to where “rustic charm” is just a real-estate-euphemism for “front-yard washing machine” as we head on down to Arkansas, so let’s get started…
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* The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it’s not as hard to spell.
* The state motto of Arkansas is “book learnin’s fer sissies!”.
* Little Rock, Arkansas, is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Just look for the building that’s shaped like a damp cigar.
* There’s also a Hillary Clinton Library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.
* Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Gennifer.
* Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we’ve been stuck with it ever since.
* America’s winningest college football coach, Paul “Bear” Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.
* The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as “Degataga” which means “OW! OW! OW!”
* General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.
* The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.
* Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state’s name as ar-KAN-sas.
* Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.
* Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.
* The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.
* Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we… MFFMMRGRM!!!” – NOW we’re there ya little brat!
* Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.
* Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.
* Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.
* Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.
* People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.
* If someone from Arkansas says “hi” to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.
* Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.
* If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don’t shoot it with bullets, because you’ll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.
* Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.
______________
That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be slowly realizing that the idea of turning Los Angeles into a walled-off deportation center for degenerates shouldn’t have stalled out with a movie starring Kurt Russell as we take a look at California.
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