CRUISE THIS !!!!

I have  been on a cruise.  I shall not be on a cruise again..  Among the myriad reasons why I will never be on a cruise is the episode that befell 4,500 people in the middle of a Carnival Cruise Lines voyage aboard some mega ship named The Splendor, which, as it turns out, was anything but “splendid.” 
The dopey boat’s engine room inexplicably caught on fire…knocking out everything from its motive power to its toilets.  And so it sat, dead in the water, stinking up the Pacific off the Mexican Riviera.  “The Mexican Riviera?”  What the hell is “The Mexican Rivera?”  Someplace, I guess, where the drug cartels are only decapitating around 5 people a day instead of 50.  Besides, haven't the waters off Mexico suffered enough recently?  Apparently not.
Anyway, people who go on cruises mystify me.  What’s the appeal, you just don’t stand enough chance of getting norovirus or some other non-bacterial outbreak of gut-wrenching gastroenteritis at home so you want to jump on board a floating “food poison prison” and guarantee it? 
Given the recent, and continuing, history of the cruise industry it seems to me that that’s pretty much what the whole enterprise entails:  Being trapped in a portajohn next to a food stand serving rancid chimichangas at a street fair packed with fat drunks throwing up on each other 24-hundred miles from home…listening to a 56-year-old Elvis impersonator, who failed in Vegas, take a meat cleaver to “Heartbreak Hotel” – and getting to pay a couple of grand for “5 days/4 nights” of, basically, waterborne rat vomit.  Dear God. 
And these poor slobs – our 45-hundred “cruisers” – actually wound up having to be rescued by a United States Navy Nuclear Aircraft Carrier to keep from starving to death…after the brie, and 5,000 calorie cuts of Filet Mignon, all went south because the “Splendor’s” refrigerators conked out when the generators seized. 
Sounds great. Where do I sign up?   No thanks.  I’ll be busy that week shoving sheetrock screws in my nostrils.