1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, unless current fashion dictates that the views of that religion are politically or popularly incorrect, in which case, it should be ridiculed, and discriminated against, in the public square, especially during the winter holidays, or if some non-believer has his feelings hurt.
Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances, unless it’s using “public airwaves”, “The Internet” or other commonly held properties assumed to be in the ownership domain of Congress. Then, all bets are off, and you’d better watch your step.
2. The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed, unless we don’t like the “shape” of your scary Arms, because everyone knows that an “Assault Weapon” is much more dangerous than a regular semi-automatic rifle. Also, complex rules and regulations, training and licensing, tracking and supervision, are not “infringements”; they are for your own good, children.
3. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. This one we’ll honor, for now.
4. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized — unless you happen to be in an airport, train-station, give an officer any lip, or otherwise look suspicious. That includes you, Grandma.
5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in states that don’t want to go to the bother;
Nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, unless it’s a tax matter;
Nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law, again, unless it’s a tax matter;
Nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
NB: By public use, we mean public use OR private use by one of our friends who can better utilise your property and perhaps generate more tax revenue for us to spend on ourselves. Don’t worry, we’ll give you “just compensation” – trust us, we’re the Government.
6. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, (unless the judge wants to close the hearing, or the lawyers decide to delay things, you know what I mean) by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, (by which “impartial” shall mean that they can’t consider the justice of the law being prosecuted, and they will in all cases follow the advice and admonition of their Betters, of the Bar), etc. etc.
7. In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. Right.
8. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. Except in tax matters. Don’t mess with our money.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Except if Congress or the Courts decide otherwise; obviously the People are too silly to be allowed retained rights.
10. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people, unless somewhere else in the Constitution, the Courts or the Congress or the Executive can find a tiny clause that allows it to drive a Mack truck through the rights of the States respectively, or the people. See Commerce Clause.
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