I didn’t watch the Oscars. I’m happy with that decision.
Didn’t see any of the pictures nominated for best film this year, and I don’t think that’s my fault. The thing about all the pictures that get most of the nominations is that they are no fun. Why isn’t fun a factor in picking the best film? Shouldn’t that be a main question when judging a movie: “Was it any fun?”
Like look at what won best picture in 1989: Rain Man. That was actually a pretty good pick considering how many other forgettable films no one ever talks about anymore have won. But it has the usual, boring stuff the Oscar people go for: dramatic pathos and what not. But what was really the best movie from the year Rain Man came out? Die Hard, obviously. People still watch Die Hard constantly, and it has influenced thousands of movies that came after it. And it was one of the most fun movies ever. It had everything a movie should have: explosions, gun fights, quips — all the things that wouldn’t work in a play but makes an awesome movie. So why didn’t it win best picture? Because obviously the Oscar people have no idea what a good movie is. And a big part of that is that a good movie should be fun.
So if the Oscars are dying to become more relevant, tell them that the first question they should ask about a movie is: Was it fun? They were debating whether Argo was better than Lincoln when absolutely everyone else was debating whether the Avengers is better than Dark Knight Rises. And frankly, everyone else is wiser here.
I'm just an individual who hopes to inspire but not impose his views on others. I seek not to convince but only hope that my words are written well enough to get others to delve deeper into their own thoughts and ideas. I am sincere in all that I say but never so serious as to not listen to the ideas of others
Monday, February 25, 2013
10 Devastating Results of Sequestration Cuts
If the sequestration goes through, that’s 2% cut of the government’s budget. As we all know, the government very efficiently spends all its money, so any cut of that size means absolute devastation.
Here are some things that will result from the sequestration cuts:
* All prisons will be shut down and prisoners released. Even the most violent of criminals.
* Army bases will be closed in Hawaii and the islands will be surrendered to Japan.
* Medicare will be replaced with a hammer given to old people to kill themselves with.
* All zoos will be shut down and zoo animals released. Even the most violent of baboons.
* Our military will be armed with nothing but bayonets.
* All traffic lights will be turned off.
* No more money for cowboy poetry festivals, the only thing keeping cowboys from violence and thus the only thing keeping the wild west from breaking out again.
* Orphanages will be closed and all the orphans’ possessions will be thrown in the river.
* No more postage for strongly-worded letters sent to Iran and North Korea telling them to stop having nuclear weapons.
* Obama will only get five golf outings a month.
It may be possible to find some less devastating ways to make the cuts (which is more a reduction in increase to spending than actual cuts), but to do that would take so much time Obama would only get four golf outings in a month.
Here are some things that will result from the sequestration cuts:
* All prisons will be shut down and prisoners released. Even the most violent of criminals.
* Army bases will be closed in Hawaii and the islands will be surrendered to Japan.
* Medicare will be replaced with a hammer given to old people to kill themselves with.
* All zoos will be shut down and zoo animals released. Even the most violent of baboons.
* Our military will be armed with nothing but bayonets.
* All traffic lights will be turned off.
* No more money for cowboy poetry festivals, the only thing keeping cowboys from violence and thus the only thing keeping the wild west from breaking out again.
* Orphanages will be closed and all the orphans’ possessions will be thrown in the river.
* No more postage for strongly-worded letters sent to Iran and North Korea telling them to stop having nuclear weapons.
* Obama will only get five golf outings a month.
It may be possible to find some less devastating ways to make the cuts (which is more a reduction in increase to spending than actual cuts), but to do that would take so much time Obama would only get four golf outings in a month.
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Tennessee
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be getting our asses whupped for making banjo jokes as we visit Tennessee. So let’s get started…
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* Tennessee became the 16th state on June 1, 1796, and was originally settled by outcast heretics from Massachusetts who believed that playing polo on horseback was completely inferior to playing it hogback.
* Tennessee’s nickname is the “Needs a cool spelling mnemonic like Mississippi has” state.
* Chattanooga, Tennessee is where the famous International House of Possum restaurant chain got its start in 1925.
* The Iris was adopted as the state flower of Tennessee in 1972, despite numerous complaints that it was too hard to spell.
* The state motto of Tennessee is: “Moonshine – it’s not just for breakfast any more”.
* The city of Kingston served as the state capital of Tennessee for only one day – just long enough to sign a peace treaty ending the bloody Civil War between rival factions of Hicks, Rubes, Hayseeds, Rednecks, and Hillbillies. The victorious Rednecks then moved the capital to its present Nashville location.
* The state song of Tennessee is “All I Want For Christmas Is My Thirty Front Teeth”.
* Living most of his life in Greeneville, Tennessee, Andrew Johnson held every elective office on the local, state, and federal levels – from City Alderman to US President. His shrewish mother-in-law, however, never ceased referring to him as “that good-for-nothing job-hopper”.
* Tennessee license plates are white with black numbers and feature the phrase “Barely Toleratin’ Yankees Since 1865″.
* The famous racehorse Iroquois was bred at Nashville’s Belle Meade Plantation, and left hundreds of thoroughbred descendants. Sorta like the Kennedy clan, except with more hay-eating, and less negligent homicide.
* The Houston Oilers football team moved to Tennessee in 1997 and were known as the Tennessee Oilers for two years before changing their name to the Tennessee Titans. Which brings up a question: if the New England Patriots are affectionately known as the “Pats”, what’s the Titans’ nickname?
* During the first Gulf War, more National Guard members from Tennessee were deployed than from any other state. Possibly due to a rumor that the Iraqi Republican Guard consisted entirely of Gators fans.
* Born in Bakersville, Tennessee, Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to the US Senate. Sadly, her term was marred by the now-infamous “lap dances for votes” scandal.
* Legendary frontiersman Davy Crockett was born near Greeneville, Tennessee and was best know for wearing a coonskin cap and a snakeskin thong.
* Tennessee’s name comes from the Cherokee Indian word “tanasi”, which means “White man make-um kick-ass corn juice firewater”.
* When it opened in 1992, Chatanooga’s Tennesse Aquarium was the largest fresh water aquarium in the US, featuring over 300 different aquatic species. Due to recent budget cuts, it now consists of three fishsticks in a wooden bucket.
* The largest earthquake in the continental US was the New Madrid Earthquake, which happened in northwestern Tennessee in 1811. Locals took it as a punishment from God for their sins of sobriety and book-learnin’, and quickly mended their evil ways.
* Tennessee’s Reelfoot Lake is known as the Turtle Capital of the World. It contains thousands of these ponderous reptiles, very few of whom are named after Renaissance painters or skilled in martial arts.
* Nashville, Tennessee is famous for its country music scene and is widely known as “the city that spells ‘opera’ with a y, and ‘violin’ with two d’s”.
* Famous railroad engineer Casey Jones lived in Jackson, Tennessee. He was killed when his train crashed on April 30, 1900, having failed to attain the 88 mph speed necessary for successful time travel.
* Tennessee has over 3800 caves containing a space of over one million cubic miles – nearly enough to hold an entire Senate’s worth of broken campaign promises.
* Bristol, Tennessee, is known as the “Birthplace of Country Music” and the “Graveyard of Cheerful Sobriety”.
* Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland, is located in Memphis, Tennessee, and is the most visited house in the US that does not contain the word “pancakes”.
* Or “possum”.
* Before the Revolutionary War, there was a colony in central Tennessee known as Transylvania. Contrary to popular rumor, it contained no vampires because 1) Tennessee vampires don’t exist, 2) if they did exist they’d be too ignorant to find the jugular vein on their victims, and 3) if they could find it, a toothless vampires couldn’t bite anyone.
* Tennessee will not allow you to buy beer in a liquor store. Probably because you can’t fit a Tennessee beer gut through a liquor store doorway.
* The 266 foot tall Sunsphere built for Knoxville, Tennessee’s 1982 World’s Fair still stands in it’s original location, although it’s currently up on blocks.
* Tennessee’s Fall Creek Falls is the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi. Unlike the more famous Niagra Falls, no one has ever gone over Fall Creek Falls in a barrel, since barrels are considered sacred by the state’s official religion of Whiskeytarianism.
* In Tennessee, it is perfectly legal to gather and consume roadkill. However, there IS a 7-day waiting period for buying a Buick.
* Jack Daniel, of Tennessee Whiskey fame, showed up early for work one morning and – frustrated at being unable to open a safe – kicked it, thus breaking his toe. He later died from infection as a result of the injury. Since then, people from Tennessee always stay home and drink all morning as a safety precaution.
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That wraps up the Tennessee edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be remembering the Alamo by randomly shooting Mexicans as we visit Texas.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go saddle up my hog for the polo match.
This week, we’ll be getting our asses whupped for making banjo jokes as we visit Tennessee. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* Tennessee’s nickname is the “Needs a cool spelling mnemonic like Mississippi has” state.
* Chattanooga, Tennessee is where the famous International House of Possum restaurant chain got its start in 1925.
* The Iris was adopted as the state flower of Tennessee in 1972, despite numerous complaints that it was too hard to spell.
* The state motto of Tennessee is: “Moonshine – it’s not just for breakfast any more”.
* The city of Kingston served as the state capital of Tennessee for only one day – just long enough to sign a peace treaty ending the bloody Civil War between rival factions of Hicks, Rubes, Hayseeds, Rednecks, and Hillbillies. The victorious Rednecks then moved the capital to its present Nashville location.
* The state song of Tennessee is “All I Want For Christmas Is My Thirty Front Teeth”.
* Living most of his life in Greeneville, Tennessee, Andrew Johnson held every elective office on the local, state, and federal levels – from City Alderman to US President. His shrewish mother-in-law, however, never ceased referring to him as “that good-for-nothing job-hopper”.
* Tennessee license plates are white with black numbers and feature the phrase “Barely Toleratin’ Yankees Since 1865″.
* The famous racehorse Iroquois was bred at Nashville’s Belle Meade Plantation, and left hundreds of thoroughbred descendants. Sorta like the Kennedy clan, except with more hay-eating, and less negligent homicide.
* The Houston Oilers football team moved to Tennessee in 1997 and were known as the Tennessee Oilers for two years before changing their name to the Tennessee Titans. Which brings up a question: if the New England Patriots are affectionately known as the “Pats”, what’s the Titans’ nickname?
* During the first Gulf War, more National Guard members from Tennessee were deployed than from any other state. Possibly due to a rumor that the Iraqi Republican Guard consisted entirely of Gators fans.
* Born in Bakersville, Tennessee, Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to the US Senate. Sadly, her term was marred by the now-infamous “lap dances for votes” scandal.
* Legendary frontiersman Davy Crockett was born near Greeneville, Tennessee and was best know for wearing a coonskin cap and a snakeskin thong.
* Tennessee’s name comes from the Cherokee Indian word “tanasi”, which means “White man make-um kick-ass corn juice firewater”.
* When it opened in 1992, Chatanooga’s Tennesse Aquarium was the largest fresh water aquarium in the US, featuring over 300 different aquatic species. Due to recent budget cuts, it now consists of three fishsticks in a wooden bucket.
* The largest earthquake in the continental US was the New Madrid Earthquake, which happened in northwestern Tennessee in 1811. Locals took it as a punishment from God for their sins of sobriety and book-learnin’, and quickly mended their evil ways.
* Tennessee’s Reelfoot Lake is known as the Turtle Capital of the World. It contains thousands of these ponderous reptiles, very few of whom are named after Renaissance painters or skilled in martial arts.
* Nashville, Tennessee is famous for its country music scene and is widely known as “the city that spells ‘opera’ with a y, and ‘violin’ with two d’s”.
* Famous railroad engineer Casey Jones lived in Jackson, Tennessee. He was killed when his train crashed on April 30, 1900, having failed to attain the 88 mph speed necessary for successful time travel.
* Tennessee has over 3800 caves containing a space of over one million cubic miles – nearly enough to hold an entire Senate’s worth of broken campaign promises.
* Bristol, Tennessee, is known as the “Birthplace of Country Music” and the “Graveyard of Cheerful Sobriety”.
* Elvis Presley’s home, Graceland, is located in Memphis, Tennessee, and is the most visited house in the US that does not contain the word “pancakes”.
* Or “possum”.
* Before the Revolutionary War, there was a colony in central Tennessee known as Transylvania. Contrary to popular rumor, it contained no vampires because 1) Tennessee vampires don’t exist, 2) if they did exist they’d be too ignorant to find the jugular vein on their victims, and 3) if they could find it, a toothless vampires couldn’t bite anyone.
* Tennessee will not allow you to buy beer in a liquor store. Probably because you can’t fit a Tennessee beer gut through a liquor store doorway.
* The 266 foot tall Sunsphere built for Knoxville, Tennessee’s 1982 World’s Fair still stands in it’s original location, although it’s currently up on blocks.
* Tennessee’s Fall Creek Falls is the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi. Unlike the more famous Niagra Falls, no one has ever gone over Fall Creek Falls in a barrel, since barrels are considered sacred by the state’s official religion of Whiskeytarianism.
* In Tennessee, it is perfectly legal to gather and consume roadkill. However, there IS a 7-day waiting period for buying a Buick.
* Jack Daniel, of Tennessee Whiskey fame, showed up early for work one morning and – frustrated at being unable to open a safe – kicked it, thus breaking his toe. He later died from infection as a result of the injury. Since then, people from Tennessee always stay home and drink all morning as a safety precaution.
_______________
That wraps up the Tennessee edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be remembering the Alamo by randomly shooting Mexicans as we visit Texas.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go saddle up my hog for the polo match.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Ten More Joe Biden Gun Tips
Joe Biden was recently explaining to people that an AR-15 is bad for home defense and instead advised, “Buy a shotgun! Buy a shotgun!” Of course, that left people wondering what other great gun tips Biden has. Well, lucky for you, I was able to obtain a list Joe Biden wrote himself of all his gun tips:
JOE BIDEN’S GUN TIPS
* Never put a gun barrel in your mouth. If you’re curious what your gun tastes like, it’s much safer to just lick around the barrel.
* A gun makes a decent hammer in a pinch, but is hard to use as a screwdriver.
* Make sure to loudly announce, “I am firing a gun!” right before you fire your gun so people know what that sound is.
* Guns are literally the loudest things ever and scare things that don’t like loud noises, like women.
* All the rules of safety for a bullet gun also applies to a glue gun. Ignore those rules, and end up with your head stuck to a table.
* A shotgun is much better for home defense and safer than an AR-15. And even better and safer is a Super Soaker filled with acid.
* A great way to carry a gun is to tie it to your head. Then someone can’t try to grab your gun without you seeing.
* You can check if a gun is of a decent caliber by sticking your index finger in the barrel. If your finger can go in but gets stuck when you try to pull it out, then the gun is just the right caliber for you.
* You can’t tell if a gun is loaded by looking down the barrel unless you have a flashlight.
* You can use a gun to defend yourself and still resolve things peacefully. For instance, you can offer to trade your gun to a criminal in exchange for not hurting you.
JOE BIDEN’S GUN TIPS
* Never put a gun barrel in your mouth. If you’re curious what your gun tastes like, it’s much safer to just lick around the barrel.
* A gun makes a decent hammer in a pinch, but is hard to use as a screwdriver.
* Make sure to loudly announce, “I am firing a gun!” right before you fire your gun so people know what that sound is.
* Guns are literally the loudest things ever and scare things that don’t like loud noises, like women.
* All the rules of safety for a bullet gun also applies to a glue gun. Ignore those rules, and end up with your head stuck to a table.
* A shotgun is much better for home defense and safer than an AR-15. And even better and safer is a Super Soaker filled with acid.
* A great way to carry a gun is to tie it to your head. Then someone can’t try to grab your gun without you seeing.
* You can check if a gun is of a decent caliber by sticking your index finger in the barrel. If your finger can go in but gets stuck when you try to pull it out, then the gun is just the right caliber for you.
* You can’t tell if a gun is loaded by looking down the barrel unless you have a flashlight.
* You can use a gun to defend yourself and still resolve things peacefully. For instance, you can offer to trade your gun to a criminal in exchange for not hurting you.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Fun Facts About the 50 States: South Dakota
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be shocked to realize that no minorities actually live in the Black Hills and the name is just a scam to get Federal Affirmative Action Funding as we visit South Dakota. So let’s get started…
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* South Dakota became the 40th state on November 2, 1889. The word “South” in the name is somewhat deceptive, since the state actually contains no hillbillies, alligators, or temperatures above freezing.
* The state bird of South Dakota is the ring-necked pheasant. When hunting these, try not to shoot a ring-nosed teenager by mistake.
* South Dakota’s license plates have blue numbers on a white background and say “Bison: the other red meat” across the bottom.
* The state motto of South Dakota is “When the Crazy Horse monument is finished, we’ll TELL you… Now STOP ASKING!”
* South Dakota’s nickname is “The bored people with mountains and explosives state”.
* Although there’s enough room for Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore, he hasn’t been added for fear that no one would recognize him without a kneeling intern.
* Good luck trying to find a mountain big enough to fit Monica’s hips on.
* Lemmon, South Dakota is famous for it’s petrified forest. Undisturbed for 50 million years, it still contains many of its original petrified environmental activist protesters.
* When it was built in 1832, the American Fur Company’s trading post in Fort Pierre, South Dakota, was the largest one in the US, and was best know for its marketing slogan “Fur: Because she’s not going to put out for denim”.
* Belle Fourche, South Dakota, is the geographical center of the United States. It’s populated mostly by people who find Mexicans, Canadians, Californians, and New Yorkers equally repulsive.
* Personally, I’m thinking about moving to Greenland, since I’m only disgusted by the French and people from New Jersey.
* Clark, South Dakota, is home to the world famous annual Mashed Potato Wrestling contest. Rumor has it that the contest is rigged, since the mashed potato always wins.
* South Dakota’s Custer State Park is home to a herd of 1500 free-roaming bison, 1448 of which must be cut from the roster by the time they play the Budweiser Clydesdales in this year’s Superbowl commercial.
* When completed, the Crazy Horse monument near Hill City, South Dakota, will be the world’s largest sculpture. The project will be completed without a single dollar of government money, which explains why Crazy Horse isn’t holding a urine-dipped crucifix.
* South Dakota’s Badlands National Park contains the worlds richest fossil bed, which holds such ancient artifacts as Tyrannosaurus skeletons, Triceratops eggs, and Beatles 45′s.
* The Sage Creek Wilderness Area is where the highly endangered black-footed ferret is being re-introduced. For those not familiar with ferrets, they’re small mammals, more ratlike than weasels, but less weaselly than lawyers or the French.
* South Dakota’s famous Black Hills aren’t actually black. They only appear that way from a distance because they’re covered by pine trees – an effect similar to what happens when Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t get her upper lip waxed for a couple days.
* At 7242 feet, South Dakota’s Harney Peak is the highest point in the US east of the Rockies, and will likely be carved into a statue of Wilt Chamberlain at some point.
* Sturgis, South Dakota, is home to the annual Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. It’s easy to find – just look for the crowd of burly, leather-clad guys. Make sure it’s not the Black Hills Classic S & M Rally, though.
* Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case… call me.
* The Pioneer Auto Museum in Murdo, South Dakota, houses more than 250 rare automobiles, including the Tucker, the Edsel, and Powell Motors’ infamous Homer.
* The Flaming Fountain on South Dakota State Capitol Lake is fed by an artesian well with natural gas content so high that it can be lit. The sight inspires both awe and the question, “how do you put out burning water?”
* The Crystal Springs Ranch Rodeo Arena in Clear Lake, South Dakota was built on a drained duck pond. When the duck pond was initially drained, workers found a dead rabbit at the bottom with a sign around its neck that said “I TOLD you it was wabbit season”.
* The Silent Guide Monument in Philip, South Dakota is a 14-foot pile of flat stones assembled by a shepherd to mark a waterhole that never goes dry. Ironically, the waterhole itself had been created years earlier by an architect as a way to mark an abundant source of flat stones.
* The largest underground goldmine in the US is the Homestake Mine in Lead, South Dakota. Ground was first broken on it by the six dwarves who were voted out of CBS’s “Survivor: Snow White’s Cottage”.
* The USS South Dakota is recognized as the most decorated battleship during World War II. Although, the USS John Kerry actually won MORE medals, it threw them all over a fence, so it doesn’t really count.
* The Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, first published in 1861, is South Dakota’s oldest newspaper. It’s first headline was the now-famous criticism of the Civil War: “Lincoln lied! Weevils died!”
* The Prairie Rattlesnake is the only venomous snake native to South Dakota. It’s generally a light brown color, with a yellow underside and four dark, presidential-head-shaped blotches on its back.
* Hot Springs, South Dakota features the largest collection of Wooly Mammoth bones in the world. Wooly Mammoths were large, hairy beasts that killed their prey by sitting on it and crushing it into a pile of goo. Much as its modern-day cousin – the Michael Moore – hunts Twinkies today.
_______________
That wraps up the South Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be stocking up on souvenir Elvis shades as we visit Tennessee.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go call and see if Crazy Horse is finished yet.
This week, we’ll be shocked to realize that no minorities actually live in the Black Hills and the name is just a scam to get Federal Affirmative Action Funding as we visit South Dakota. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* The state bird of South Dakota is the ring-necked pheasant. When hunting these, try not to shoot a ring-nosed teenager by mistake.
* South Dakota’s license plates have blue numbers on a white background and say “Bison: the other red meat” across the bottom.
* The state motto of South Dakota is “When the Crazy Horse monument is finished, we’ll TELL you… Now STOP ASKING!”
* South Dakota’s nickname is “The bored people with mountains and explosives state”.
* Although there’s enough room for Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore, he hasn’t been added for fear that no one would recognize him without a kneeling intern.
* Good luck trying to find a mountain big enough to fit Monica’s hips on.
* Lemmon, South Dakota is famous for it’s petrified forest. Undisturbed for 50 million years, it still contains many of its original petrified environmental activist protesters.
* When it was built in 1832, the American Fur Company’s trading post in Fort Pierre, South Dakota, was the largest one in the US, and was best know for its marketing slogan “Fur: Because she’s not going to put out for denim”.
* Belle Fourche, South Dakota, is the geographical center of the United States. It’s populated mostly by people who find Mexicans, Canadians, Californians, and New Yorkers equally repulsive.
* Personally, I’m thinking about moving to Greenland, since I’m only disgusted by the French and people from New Jersey.
* Clark, South Dakota, is home to the world famous annual Mashed Potato Wrestling contest. Rumor has it that the contest is rigged, since the mashed potato always wins.
* South Dakota’s Custer State Park is home to a herd of 1500 free-roaming bison, 1448 of which must be cut from the roster by the time they play the Budweiser Clydesdales in this year’s Superbowl commercial.
* When completed, the Crazy Horse monument near Hill City, South Dakota, will be the world’s largest sculpture. The project will be completed without a single dollar of government money, which explains why Crazy Horse isn’t holding a urine-dipped crucifix.
* South Dakota’s Badlands National Park contains the worlds richest fossil bed, which holds such ancient artifacts as Tyrannosaurus skeletons, Triceratops eggs, and Beatles 45′s.
* The Sage Creek Wilderness Area is where the highly endangered black-footed ferret is being re-introduced. For those not familiar with ferrets, they’re small mammals, more ratlike than weasels, but less weaselly than lawyers or the French.
* South Dakota’s famous Black Hills aren’t actually black. They only appear that way from a distance because they’re covered by pine trees – an effect similar to what happens when Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t get her upper lip waxed for a couple days.
* At 7242 feet, South Dakota’s Harney Peak is the highest point in the US east of the Rockies, and will likely be carved into a statue of Wilt Chamberlain at some point.
* Sturgis, South Dakota, is home to the annual Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. It’s easy to find – just look for the crowd of burly, leather-clad guys. Make sure it’s not the Black Hills Classic S & M Rally, though.
* Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case… call me.
* The Pioneer Auto Museum in Murdo, South Dakota, houses more than 250 rare automobiles, including the Tucker, the Edsel, and Powell Motors’ infamous Homer.
* The Flaming Fountain on South Dakota State Capitol Lake is fed by an artesian well with natural gas content so high that it can be lit. The sight inspires both awe and the question, “how do you put out burning water?”
* The Crystal Springs Ranch Rodeo Arena in Clear Lake, South Dakota was built on a drained duck pond. When the duck pond was initially drained, workers found a dead rabbit at the bottom with a sign around its neck that said “I TOLD you it was wabbit season”.
* The Silent Guide Monument in Philip, South Dakota is a 14-foot pile of flat stones assembled by a shepherd to mark a waterhole that never goes dry. Ironically, the waterhole itself had been created years earlier by an architect as a way to mark an abundant source of flat stones.
* The largest underground goldmine in the US is the Homestake Mine in Lead, South Dakota. Ground was first broken on it by the six dwarves who were voted out of CBS’s “Survivor: Snow White’s Cottage”.
* The USS South Dakota is recognized as the most decorated battleship during World War II. Although, the USS John Kerry actually won MORE medals, it threw them all over a fence, so it doesn’t really count.
* The Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, first published in 1861, is South Dakota’s oldest newspaper. It’s first headline was the now-famous criticism of the Civil War: “Lincoln lied! Weevils died!”
* The Prairie Rattlesnake is the only venomous snake native to South Dakota. It’s generally a light brown color, with a yellow underside and four dark, presidential-head-shaped blotches on its back.
* Hot Springs, South Dakota features the largest collection of Wooly Mammoth bones in the world. Wooly Mammoths were large, hairy beasts that killed their prey by sitting on it and crushing it into a pile of goo. Much as its modern-day cousin – the Michael Moore – hunts Twinkies today.
_______________
That wraps up the South Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be stocking up on souvenir Elvis shades as we visit Tennessee.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go call and see if Crazy Horse is finished yet.
Washington’s Birthday (2013)
It seems nobody wants George Washington to have a birthday anymore. Or ever.
George Washington was born on February 11, 1731. At least, as they used the calendar at the time. Great Britain and its colonies used the Julian calendar then, and the new year didn’t begin until March 25. Weird, right?
Then, in 1752, Great Britain adopted the Gregorian calendar. That moved New Year’s Day to January 1, in addition to causing a refiguring of dates. Among the changes was that February 11, 1731 became February 22, 1732.
Only, folks weren’t done messing with George Washington’s birthday. You see, 1879, the United States added Washington’s Birthday as its fifth national holiday, joining New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day. Other days were added along and along.
In the late 1960s, there came a movement to make federal holidays fall on a Monday. In 1971, that was made to happen for four of the nine federal holidays. New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day kept their actual dates. But Washington’s Birthday, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day were moved to Mondays. When Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. was added — and yes, that’s the actual name of the holiday — it, too, was designated as a Monday.
All of the Monday holidays fall on the Monday nearest the actual date, except one: Washington’s Birthday. It’s the third Monday of February, which means it can fall as early as the 15th, but never after the 21st. In other words, Washington’s Birthday will never fall on Washington’s birthday.
But wait! There’s more!
In the last several years, there has been a diminishing of George Washington by people calling his birthday “Presidents Day.” Well, it’s not. Now, it’s true that some states used to celebrate Lincoln’s birthday (February 12) as a state holiday, and have combined Lincoln’s birthday and Washington’s birthday into one observance. But, that’s only for some states. The U. S. holiday on the third Monday in February is Washington’s Birthday. Take a look at United States Code 5 U.S.C. 6103 and see for yourself.
It’s been rough for George Washington’s birthday, officially and unofficially.
First, they move his birthday from February 11 in one year to February 22 in another year. Then, they make it on a Monday that will never match the actual date. Then, they call it something else. Do some people hate George Washington? Maybe so, After all, he did help secure the blessings of liberty and help found these United States.
I think he deserves his birthday to be called by its proper name. If you hear anyone call it “Presidents Day,” you have my permission to beat them around the head with a stick. Two, if you think they really need it.
George Washington was born on February 11, 1731. At least, as they used the calendar at the time. Great Britain and its colonies used the Julian calendar then, and the new year didn’t begin until March 25. Weird, right?
Then, in 1752, Great Britain adopted the Gregorian calendar. That moved New Year’s Day to January 1, in addition to causing a refiguring of dates. Among the changes was that February 11, 1731 became February 22, 1732.
Only, folks weren’t done messing with George Washington’s birthday. You see, 1879, the United States added Washington’s Birthday as its fifth national holiday, joining New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day. Other days were added along and along.
In the late 1960s, there came a movement to make federal holidays fall on a Monday. In 1971, that was made to happen for four of the nine federal holidays. New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day kept their actual dates. But Washington’s Birthday, Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day were moved to Mondays. When Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. was added — and yes, that’s the actual name of the holiday — it, too, was designated as a Monday.
All of the Monday holidays fall on the Monday nearest the actual date, except one: Washington’s Birthday. It’s the third Monday of February, which means it can fall as early as the 15th, but never after the 21st. In other words, Washington’s Birthday will never fall on Washington’s birthday.
But wait! There’s more!
In the last several years, there has been a diminishing of George Washington by people calling his birthday “Presidents Day.” Well, it’s not. Now, it’s true that some states used to celebrate Lincoln’s birthday (February 12) as a state holiday, and have combined Lincoln’s birthday and Washington’s birthday into one observance. But, that’s only for some states. The U. S. holiday on the third Monday in February is Washington’s Birthday. Take a look at United States Code 5 U.S.C. 6103 and see for yourself.
It’s been rough for George Washington’s birthday, officially and unofficially.
First, they move his birthday from February 11 in one year to February 22 in another year. Then, they make it on a Monday that will never match the actual date. Then, they call it something else. Do some people hate George Washington? Maybe so, After all, he did help secure the blessings of liberty and help found these United States.
I think he deserves his birthday to be called by its proper name. If you hear anyone call it “Presidents Day,” you have my permission to beat them around the head with a stick. Two, if you think they really need it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Fun Facts About the 50 States: South Carolina
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be voting for the late Strom Thurmond strictly out of habit as we visit South Carolina. So let’s get started…
* South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788. The residents didn’t particularly WANT to share a name with North Carolina, but they had little choice after the naming-rights deal with Coca-Cola fell through.
* At 3560 feet tall, the highest point in South Carolina is Sassafras Mountain. No sassafras actually grows on it, it’s just a fun word to say. Especially with a big, spitty, Daffy Duck lisp: “THATHAFRATH!”
* The state motto of South Carolina is “Aminis Opibusque Parati”, which means “any excuse to shoot a Yankee”.
* The state tree of South Carolina is the Palmetto. Which should not be confused with any old men who carve wooden boys that magically come to life.
* Built in 1909, Campbell’s Covered Bridge near Gowensville is the last bridge in South Carolina still covered by a protective wooden structure instead of just a layer of cigarette butts and beer cans.
* The spotted salamander was selected as South Carolina’s official state amphibian in 1976, an unpopular decision which touched off deadly riots in the state’s frustrated and angry frog communities.
* In 1776, the British attacked the US fort on South Carolina’s Sullivan Island. However, because the walls were made with spongy Palmetto logs, the cannonballs couldn’t break through, and just bounced like Air America payroll checks.
* The official state dance of South Carolina is the Shag. As is the official state double-wide trailer carpeting.
* The first battle of the Civil War took place at Fort Sumter. Historians theorize that it started as an innocent Mac vs. PC argument which spun tragically out of control.
* Hartsville, South Carolina’s Coker Experimental Farms started in 1903 with 30 cotton plants and a goal to breed hardier specimens. Thanks to a lack of genetic variation among the seedlings, the highly inbred offshoots became the Retarded Monster Cotton Plant now used for stuffing Tickle Me Elmo dolls.
* Before being known as “The Palmetto State”, South Carolina used to be known as the Iodine state. For those who don’t know, Iodine is brown and hurts like hell when applied to open wounds. Sorta like a Jesse Jackson press conference.
* The Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame in Aiken, South Carolina celebrates the many champion race horses trained in Aiken. The secret of their success can be found in their training motto, “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you’ll be shipped to the glue factory if you screw up!”
* South Carolina’s Black River gets it’s dark coloring from high concentrations of organic carbon. Sorta like hippie bathwater. If hippies took baths.
* Batesburg-Leesville, South Carolina, is home to the annual South Carolina Poultry festival and features such events as “Turkey-mounted Jousting” and the ever-popular “Stuffing Chickens Down Your Pants Contest”.
* A Catawba Indian named King Haiglar was invaluable in helping the early settlers of Camden, South Carolina. Today, he remains honored in the form of a life-sized weather vane. This may not sound like much of an honor, but at least they didn’t put him on a dollar coin that no one uses like that loser, Saca-what’s-her-name.
* Tyler Brothers Work Shoe and Boot Co. in Wagener, South Carolina produces 8 major brands of OSHA-approved footwear, including Redwing and Wolverine. They attribute their success to changing their name from “3-Toes BootWorks”.
* Gaffney, South Carolina features a water tower in the shape of a giant peach. In case it ever falls over, they plan to put it in their City Hall building, which was built in the shape of a giant crust-lined pie tin.
* The first boll weevil found in South Carolina is on display at the Pendleton District Agricultural Museum. It sits between the first mosquito to bite Strom Thurmond and a few dead flies picked off the window sill.
* Yeah, well, whaddya expect from an Ag Museum? Da Vinci paintings?
* Spartanburg, South Carolina’s Duncan Park is the oldest minor league baseball stadium in the world. During its 80th Anniversary season in 2006, it finally managed to break through the long-elusive double-digit attendance mark.
* Described as “a cross between a snake and something prehistoric”, the mysterious monster that is said to inhabit South Carolina’s Lake Murray was eventually caught and discovered to be a skinny-dipping Ted Kennedy.
* Mullins, South Carolina, features the state’s largest tobacco market. To compensate for financial losses due to anti-tobacco hysteria, the city has branched out into the lead paint, asbestos, and DDT markets as well.
* Residents of Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, are all well versed in the 300-year-old art of Sweetgrass basket-making. Sure, this doesn’t sound like it’d look good on a resume, but it’ll get you picked over someone with a degree in Women’s Studies EVERY time.
* Every year, flocks of Purple Martins fly back to their home on Bomb Island, South Carolina. The sight of millions of creatures mindlessly chirping and crapping all over the place is truly stunning. It’s sorta like an Occupy Wall Street protest, except without the stultifying air of smug self-righteousness.
* The Riverbanks Zoological Park in Columbia, South Carolina is home to over 2000 animals, none of which are in cages. They’re kept in place with guilt trips from a crack staff of professional Jewish mothers.
* Legend has it that anyone who drinks from Catfish Creek near Marion, South Carolina will fall in love with the area and never leave. Which is polite way of saying they’re doomed to die of amoebic dysentery.
* In 1852, William Dorn discovered the largest gold mine in South Carolina’s history near the city of McCormick. He foolishly sold the mine in 1860, and used the proceeds to launch his ill-fated chain of “Slaves ‘R’ Us” stores.
* South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union, on December 20th, 1860, thus fulfilling Governor Jebidiah Baldwin’s promise to leave the country if a Republican was elected.
* The 7th President of the US, Andrew Jackson, was born in Lancaster County, South Carolina. He earned his nickname “Old Hickory” when he used a hickory switch to beat the crap out of Alexander Hamilton to win the right to appear on the $20 bill.
* The Reverend Jesse Jackson was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1941. He’s famed for his ability to use racial guilt to shake down “too white” corporations, and is generally considered the John Gotti of the Affirmative Action Mafia’s protection money racket.
* Oops… meant to type “famous civil rights leader”… sorry ’bout that.
_______________
That wraps up the South Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be trampled by herds of stampeding prairie dogs as we visit South Dakota.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go practice my jousting.
This week, we’ll be voting for the late Strom Thurmond strictly out of habit as we visit South Carolina. So let’s get started…
 |
* At 3560 feet tall, the highest point in South Carolina is Sassafras Mountain. No sassafras actually grows on it, it’s just a fun word to say. Especially with a big, spitty, Daffy Duck lisp: “THATHAFRATH!”
* The state motto of South Carolina is “Aminis Opibusque Parati”, which means “any excuse to shoot a Yankee”.
* The state tree of South Carolina is the Palmetto. Which should not be confused with any old men who carve wooden boys that magically come to life.
* Built in 1909, Campbell’s Covered Bridge near Gowensville is the last bridge in South Carolina still covered by a protective wooden structure instead of just a layer of cigarette butts and beer cans.
* The spotted salamander was selected as South Carolina’s official state amphibian in 1976, an unpopular decision which touched off deadly riots in the state’s frustrated and angry frog communities.
* In 1776, the British attacked the US fort on South Carolina’s Sullivan Island. However, because the walls were made with spongy Palmetto logs, the cannonballs couldn’t break through, and just bounced like Air America payroll checks.
* The official state dance of South Carolina is the Shag. As is the official state double-wide trailer carpeting.
* The first battle of the Civil War took place at Fort Sumter. Historians theorize that it started as an innocent Mac vs. PC argument which spun tragically out of control.
* Hartsville, South Carolina’s Coker Experimental Farms started in 1903 with 30 cotton plants and a goal to breed hardier specimens. Thanks to a lack of genetic variation among the seedlings, the highly inbred offshoots became the Retarded Monster Cotton Plant now used for stuffing Tickle Me Elmo dolls.
* Before being known as “The Palmetto State”, South Carolina used to be known as the Iodine state. For those who don’t know, Iodine is brown and hurts like hell when applied to open wounds. Sorta like a Jesse Jackson press conference.
* The Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame in Aiken, South Carolina celebrates the many champion race horses trained in Aiken. The secret of their success can be found in their training motto, “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you’ll be shipped to the glue factory if you screw up!”
* South Carolina’s Black River gets it’s dark coloring from high concentrations of organic carbon. Sorta like hippie bathwater. If hippies took baths.
* Batesburg-Leesville, South Carolina, is home to the annual South Carolina Poultry festival and features such events as “Turkey-mounted Jousting” and the ever-popular “Stuffing Chickens Down Your Pants Contest”.
* A Catawba Indian named King Haiglar was invaluable in helping the early settlers of Camden, South Carolina. Today, he remains honored in the form of a life-sized weather vane. This may not sound like much of an honor, but at least they didn’t put him on a dollar coin that no one uses like that loser, Saca-what’s-her-name.
* Tyler Brothers Work Shoe and Boot Co. in Wagener, South Carolina produces 8 major brands of OSHA-approved footwear, including Redwing and Wolverine. They attribute their success to changing their name from “3-Toes BootWorks”.
* Gaffney, South Carolina features a water tower in the shape of a giant peach. In case it ever falls over, they plan to put it in their City Hall building, which was built in the shape of a giant crust-lined pie tin.
* The first boll weevil found in South Carolina is on display at the Pendleton District Agricultural Museum. It sits between the first mosquito to bite Strom Thurmond and a few dead flies picked off the window sill.
* Yeah, well, whaddya expect from an Ag Museum? Da Vinci paintings?
* Spartanburg, South Carolina’s Duncan Park is the oldest minor league baseball stadium in the world. During its 80th Anniversary season in 2006, it finally managed to break through the long-elusive double-digit attendance mark.
* Described as “a cross between a snake and something prehistoric”, the mysterious monster that is said to inhabit South Carolina’s Lake Murray was eventually caught and discovered to be a skinny-dipping Ted Kennedy.
* Mullins, South Carolina, features the state’s largest tobacco market. To compensate for financial losses due to anti-tobacco hysteria, the city has branched out into the lead paint, asbestos, and DDT markets as well.
* Residents of Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, are all well versed in the 300-year-old art of Sweetgrass basket-making. Sure, this doesn’t sound like it’d look good on a resume, but it’ll get you picked over someone with a degree in Women’s Studies EVERY time.
* Every year, flocks of Purple Martins fly back to their home on Bomb Island, South Carolina. The sight of millions of creatures mindlessly chirping and crapping all over the place is truly stunning. It’s sorta like an Occupy Wall Street protest, except without the stultifying air of smug self-righteousness.
* The Riverbanks Zoological Park in Columbia, South Carolina is home to over 2000 animals, none of which are in cages. They’re kept in place with guilt trips from a crack staff of professional Jewish mothers.
* Legend has it that anyone who drinks from Catfish Creek near Marion, South Carolina will fall in love with the area and never leave. Which is polite way of saying they’re doomed to die of amoebic dysentery.
* In 1852, William Dorn discovered the largest gold mine in South Carolina’s history near the city of McCormick. He foolishly sold the mine in 1860, and used the proceeds to launch his ill-fated chain of “Slaves ‘R’ Us” stores.
* South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union, on December 20th, 1860, thus fulfilling Governor Jebidiah Baldwin’s promise to leave the country if a Republican was elected.
* The 7th President of the US, Andrew Jackson, was born in Lancaster County, South Carolina. He earned his nickname “Old Hickory” when he used a hickory switch to beat the crap out of Alexander Hamilton to win the right to appear on the $20 bill.
* The Reverend Jesse Jackson was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1941. He’s famed for his ability to use racial guilt to shake down “too white” corporations, and is generally considered the John Gotti of the Affirmative Action Mafia’s protection money racket.
* Oops… meant to type “famous civil rights leader”… sorry ’bout that.
_______________
That wraps up the South Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be trampled by herds of stampeding prairie dogs as we visit South Dakota.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go practice my jousting.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Rhode Island
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be wondering how they squeeze a million square miles of tacky tourist shops into a thousand square miles of state as we visit Rhode Island. So let’s get started…
_______________
* Rhode Island became the 13th state on May 29, 1790. It was originally founded by refugees from Connecticut and Massachusetts who thought that having double consonants in a state’s name looked snooty and pretentious.
* The state motto of Rhode Island is “Size Doesn’t Matter”.
* Rhode Island license plates have black letters on a light blue background and the slogan “Clamtastic!”
* Rhode Island is the smallest state in the US, measuring a mere 48 by 37 miles. Think of it as the old maid in America’s popcorn bucket.
* Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition). They were going to, but they ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Their tuxes didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their cars. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn’t their fault! I swear to God!
* Jeremiah Johnson of Newport, Rhode Island, was the first person to receive a jail sentence for speeding in an automobile. His sentence was later reduced to picking up after all the horses that his reckless driving had scared the crap out of.
* Polo was first played in the US in Newport, Rhode Island. For those not familiar with the game, it’s sorta like hockey, except with more horses and – if you can imagine this – even fewer black people.
* The Flying Horse Carousel in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, is the oldest in the US. Since it was built in 1876, it has been ridden more times than Madonna.
* NOTE: The previous statement should be reviewed for accuracy on a day-by-day basis.
* The first circus in the US started in 1774 in Newport, Rhode Island. The ceaseless bickering between the Fat Lady and the Dog Faced Boy is frequently cited by historians as the inspiration for America’s two-party political system.
* Newport, Rhode Island is home to the Tennis Hall of Fame, which honors such widely-known tennis stars as… um… you know… that one guy… what’s-his-face. And I think there’s a couple chicks in there, too.
* Whatever. Does anybody ACTUALLY follow tennis?
* Songwriter George M. Cohan was born in Providence, Rhode Island. His big hit “I’m A Yankee Doodle Dandy”, was translated for the British stage as “I’m An American Loony Poofter”.
* In 1953, St. Mary’s church in Newport, Rhode Island was the site of the marriage between John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier. It was a fairy-tale wedding, right up until the point where an especially drunken Ted Kennedy mistook the confessional for a men’s room stall.
* Rhode Island is famous for making silverware and fine jewelry. I personally have no idea what these are, since I’m more of a plastic spork and rubber bracelet kinda guy.
* The roof of Providence, Rhode Island’s New England Pest Control building is home to the world’s largest bug – a 58-foot-long blue termite. The second largest bug is any given Florida cockroach.
* Yeah, I know they’re technically “Palmetto Bugs”, but that’s not much consolation when one pours out of your box of Wheaties in the morning.
* At the Point Judith corrosion test site, various materials sit exposed for years to determine the effects of sun and salt air. Tests show that the thing that falls apart most rapidly under adverse circumstances is a Republican Congress.
* Rhode Island was the first state to strike a blow against England during the Revolutionary War. The English ship “Gaspee” was sunk in Narragansett Bay in 1772 after being hit by a cow that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
* Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island, wrote the original draft of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, the press, religion, and public assembly. Sadly omitted in the final draft was the guarantee of hot-chicks-only nude beaches.
* Samuel Slater of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, invented the water-powered cotton mill in 1790. Southern plantation owners opposed the machine, fearing that it’s high efficiency and productivity could spark a wave of low self-esteem amongst the slaves.
* The first British troops sent to crush the Revolution landed in Newport, Rhode Island in 1773. They were themselves crushed by a giant wooden rabbit that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
* Atop the State House in Providence, Rhode Island, stands the statue of “The Independent Man”. Standing above him and wielding a rolling pin is the statue of “The Nagging Wife”.
* The first girl born to American colonist parents is buried in Little Compton, Rhode Island. The first boy is also buried there, under a marker engraved with his last words, “Look! Friendly Indians!”
* The White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island is the oldest operating tavern in the US. When it first opened in 1673, the labeling of the men’s and women’s restrooms as “Stallions” and “Mares” was still considered original and clever.
* Portsmouth, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest schoolhouse in the US. Built in 1716, some of George Washington’s original spitballs can still be seen stuck to the ceiling.
* The Rhode Island Red Monument in Adamsville, Rhode Island, honors the famous poultry breed, and is the largest chicken-related monument in the world except for the Eiffel Tower.
* Built in 1763, Newport, Rhode Island’s Touro Synagogue is the oldest synagogue in the US and contains the oldest Torah in North America. And no, it’s NOT because they’re too cheap to buy a new one. Don’t be anti-Semitic.
* Pelham Street in Newport, Rhode Island was the first street in America to use gas-illuminated streetlights in place of the burning witches common to New England in that era.
* Rhode Island has a population of just over one million people, all of whom know that a “coffee-cup salute” is a shout-out to local businesses by Channel 10′s Frank Coletta, and NOT a euphemism for an unspeakably degrading sexual act.
* Don’t try asking anyone from Massachusetts about it, though.
_______________
That wraps up the Rhode Island edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be frustratedly breaking golf clubs in Myrtle Beach as we visit South Carolina.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit the confessional before Ted Kennedy… EWWWWWWWW!… too late…
This week, we’ll be wondering how they squeeze a million square miles of tacky tourist shops into a thousand square miles of state as we visit Rhode Island. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* The state motto of Rhode Island is “Size Doesn’t Matter”.
* Rhode Island license plates have black letters on a light blue background and the slogan “Clamtastic!”
* Rhode Island is the smallest state in the US, measuring a mere 48 by 37 miles. Think of it as the old maid in America’s popcorn bucket.
* Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition). They were going to, but they ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Their tuxes didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their cars. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn’t their fault! I swear to God!
* Jeremiah Johnson of Newport, Rhode Island, was the first person to receive a jail sentence for speeding in an automobile. His sentence was later reduced to picking up after all the horses that his reckless driving had scared the crap out of.
* Polo was first played in the US in Newport, Rhode Island. For those not familiar with the game, it’s sorta like hockey, except with more horses and – if you can imagine this – even fewer black people.
* The Flying Horse Carousel in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, is the oldest in the US. Since it was built in 1876, it has been ridden more times than Madonna.
* NOTE: The previous statement should be reviewed for accuracy on a day-by-day basis.
* The first circus in the US started in 1774 in Newport, Rhode Island. The ceaseless bickering between the Fat Lady and the Dog Faced Boy is frequently cited by historians as the inspiration for America’s two-party political system.
* Newport, Rhode Island is home to the Tennis Hall of Fame, which honors such widely-known tennis stars as… um… you know… that one guy… what’s-his-face. And I think there’s a couple chicks in there, too.
* Whatever. Does anybody ACTUALLY follow tennis?
* Songwriter George M. Cohan was born in Providence, Rhode Island. His big hit “I’m A Yankee Doodle Dandy”, was translated for the British stage as “I’m An American Loony Poofter”.
* In 1953, St. Mary’s church in Newport, Rhode Island was the site of the marriage between John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier. It was a fairy-tale wedding, right up until the point where an especially drunken Ted Kennedy mistook the confessional for a men’s room stall.
* Rhode Island is famous for making silverware and fine jewelry. I personally have no idea what these are, since I’m more of a plastic spork and rubber bracelet kinda guy.
* The roof of Providence, Rhode Island’s New England Pest Control building is home to the world’s largest bug – a 58-foot-long blue termite. The second largest bug is any given Florida cockroach.
* Yeah, I know they’re technically “Palmetto Bugs”, but that’s not much consolation when one pours out of your box of Wheaties in the morning.
* At the Point Judith corrosion test site, various materials sit exposed for years to determine the effects of sun and salt air. Tests show that the thing that falls apart most rapidly under adverse circumstances is a Republican Congress.
* Rhode Island was the first state to strike a blow against England during the Revolutionary War. The English ship “Gaspee” was sunk in Narragansett Bay in 1772 after being hit by a cow that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
* Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island, wrote the original draft of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, the press, religion, and public assembly. Sadly omitted in the final draft was the guarantee of hot-chicks-only nude beaches.
* Samuel Slater of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, invented the water-powered cotton mill in 1790. Southern plantation owners opposed the machine, fearing that it’s high efficiency and productivity could spark a wave of low self-esteem amongst the slaves.
* The first British troops sent to crush the Revolution landed in Newport, Rhode Island in 1773. They were themselves crushed by a giant wooden rabbit that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
* Atop the State House in Providence, Rhode Island, stands the statue of “The Independent Man”. Standing above him and wielding a rolling pin is the statue of “The Nagging Wife”.
* The first girl born to American colonist parents is buried in Little Compton, Rhode Island. The first boy is also buried there, under a marker engraved with his last words, “Look! Friendly Indians!”
* The White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island is the oldest operating tavern in the US. When it first opened in 1673, the labeling of the men’s and women’s restrooms as “Stallions” and “Mares” was still considered original and clever.
* Portsmouth, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest schoolhouse in the US. Built in 1716, some of George Washington’s original spitballs can still be seen stuck to the ceiling.
* The Rhode Island Red Monument in Adamsville, Rhode Island, honors the famous poultry breed, and is the largest chicken-related monument in the world except for the Eiffel Tower.
* Built in 1763, Newport, Rhode Island’s Touro Synagogue is the oldest synagogue in the US and contains the oldest Torah in North America. And no, it’s NOT because they’re too cheap to buy a new one. Don’t be anti-Semitic.
* Pelham Street in Newport, Rhode Island was the first street in America to use gas-illuminated streetlights in place of the burning witches common to New England in that era.
* Rhode Island has a population of just over one million people, all of whom know that a “coffee-cup salute” is a shout-out to local businesses by Channel 10′s Frank Coletta, and NOT a euphemism for an unspeakably degrading sexual act.
* Don’t try asking anyone from Massachusetts about it, though.
_______________
That wraps up the Rhode Island edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be frustratedly breaking golf clubs in Myrtle Beach as we visit South Carolina.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit the confessional before Ted Kennedy… EWWWWWWWW!… too late…
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