- Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
- And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
- And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
- And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
- And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
- He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
- Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
- And they remembered his words,
- And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
I'm just an individual who hopes to inspire but not impose his views on others. I seek not to convince but only hope that my words are written well enough to get others to delve deeper into their own thoughts and ideas. I am sincere in all that I say but never so serious as to not listen to the ideas of others
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Easter 2013
Luke 24: 1-9
Thursday, March 28, 2013
That Old Time Religion
I always feel a bit bemused by so-called "Progressives"
who tell us they want to keep religion out of government. I feel a bit bemused
because it's such a transparent lie. If religion is a pattern of belief based on
things that can't be proven and which much be taken on faith, progressivism is
as much a religion as anything you would traditionally consider as such.
Heck, we've seen in the past few years how they view Barry in Washington as a
Messiah (Mess-I-Uh) figure.
It's not that progressives want to keep religion out of politics and policy: They just want to keep out any religion but their own.
I have tried to figure out the difference between what a normal person, like me for instance, would believe, and what a progressive believes. I think I've made a start.
I believe in an all-powerful, all-loving, omnipotent God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, who has a plan for the world. He loves us and wants us to do well, which is accomplished by following His plan. God had a rigid and objective set of rules delineating what is right or wrong but allows us the freedom to choose to do as we will, and even to oppose His will. He wants us to be able to self-sustaining and independent, but will provide for us in need if we ask. He has even, through the Sacrifice of His own Son, provided a path for us to gain a life in Paradise, after this one has ended.
Progressives, on the other hand, believe in an all-powerful, all-loving (except dissenters), omnipotent government, which has a plan for the world. It luvs you and wants to do everything for you, which it will be implementing its plan, whether you like it or not. (If you don't, what's wrong with you, HATER?) You have the option of following the progressive plan, or following the progressive plan. Progressives have a squishy, subjective idea of what is right and wrong, and it changes from day to day, week to week, so you never know whether you are doing something wrong or not. They want to give you sustenance, and provide everything for you and (s)mother you with their big, wet, sloppy kisses, whether you want it or not. And forget the Afterlife life: this is as good as it gets, so you better get what you can while you're here, even if you have to take it from someone else.
Now, I don't know about you, but even if I was an atheist, I would rather live under a government run under the former set of principles than the latter. There is no freedom under the progressive plan, though they will use that word to describe everything and everything they want to do. In the end, you simply have the freedom to shut up and do as you're told. I suspect there are those who would even go so far as to say the Progressive plan looks a lot more like something Satan would hatch, than a rational, loving people. And I would be hard pressed to disagree.
UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that Shariah is a law supposedly based on the laws of God, that it might be the logical outcome of a set of laws based on my beliefs. I disagree. Shariah is progressivism without the subjective sense of right and wrong. There is a VERY objective belief in what is right or wrong, but no freedom to choose to deviate from it, at the cost of great bodily harm, or even death.
It's not that progressives want to keep religion out of politics and policy: They just want to keep out any religion but their own.
I have tried to figure out the difference between what a normal person, like me for instance, would believe, and what a progressive believes. I think I've made a start.
I believe in an all-powerful, all-loving, omnipotent God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, who has a plan for the world. He loves us and wants us to do well, which is accomplished by following His plan. God had a rigid and objective set of rules delineating what is right or wrong but allows us the freedom to choose to do as we will, and even to oppose His will. He wants us to be able to self-sustaining and independent, but will provide for us in need if we ask. He has even, through the Sacrifice of His own Son, provided a path for us to gain a life in Paradise, after this one has ended.
Progressives, on the other hand, believe in an all-powerful, all-loving (except dissenters), omnipotent government, which has a plan for the world. It luvs you and wants to do everything for you, which it will be implementing its plan, whether you like it or not. (If you don't, what's wrong with you, HATER?) You have the option of following the progressive plan, or following the progressive plan. Progressives have a squishy, subjective idea of what is right and wrong, and it changes from day to day, week to week, so you never know whether you are doing something wrong or not. They want to give you sustenance, and provide everything for you and (s)mother you with their big, wet, sloppy kisses, whether you want it or not. And forget the Afterlife life: this is as good as it gets, so you better get what you can while you're here, even if you have to take it from someone else.
Now, I don't know about you, but even if I was an atheist, I would rather live under a government run under the former set of principles than the latter. There is no freedom under the progressive plan, though they will use that word to describe everything and everything they want to do. In the end, you simply have the freedom to shut up and do as you're told. I suspect there are those who would even go so far as to say the Progressive plan looks a lot more like something Satan would hatch, than a rational, loving people. And I would be hard pressed to disagree.
UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that Shariah is a law supposedly based on the laws of God, that it might be the logical outcome of a set of laws based on my beliefs. I disagree. Shariah is progressivism without the subjective sense of right and wrong. There is a VERY objective belief in what is right or wrong, but no freedom to choose to deviate from it, at the cost of great bodily harm, or even death.
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Virginia
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be scammed into buying a “genuine” George Washington cherry-tree-choppin’ ax as we visit Virginia. So let’s get started…
_______________
* Virginia became the 10th state on June 25, 1788. The northern part of it was originally used by the British as a penal colony for thieves and con artists, which may explain Washington, D.C.
* The state motto of Virginia is “Sic Semper Tyrannis”, which is Latin for “No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them”.
* George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He’s famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.
* Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: “King George – You suck. We’re outta here. – The Colonies”.
* Considering they used the letter “f” instead of “s” back in those days, it’s probably better that he went with the longer version.
* 28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women’s suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.
* Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England’s “Virgin Queen”, Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.
* The state song of Virginia is “Carry Me Back to Old Virginia”, which was chosen by one vote over “Like A Virgin”.
* Virginia’s early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying “You’ve come a long way, baby!”
* The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women’s underwear.
* The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON’T want to know what King James did with THOSE.
* Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots’ Dynasty.
* The state capital of Virginia – Richmond – was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish it still were.
* The Dogwood is Virginia’s state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.
* The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout “I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant’s butt!”
* Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.
* Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.
* 2000 of the Civil War’s battles were fought in Virginia…. 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee’s wife whacked him with a rolling pin.
* In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.
* Um… well… leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.
* The world’s largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week’s supply of donuts for Michael Moore.
* The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat as angry hip-hop music plays in the background.
* Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia’s Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year’s harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.
* The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia’s border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.
* Don’t feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.
* Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years – Monticello – which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.
* George Washington’s home – Mount Vernon – is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed “too un-presidential”.
* The world’s only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history’s greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.
* On April 9, 1865, at the Appomattox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant’s paper.
* St. John’s church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said “Give me liberty, or give me death!”. Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was “Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!”
* The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don’t know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.
_______________
That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go… Hey! Look!… Dogwood!.
This week, we’ll be scammed into buying a “genuine” George Washington cherry-tree-choppin’ ax as we visit Virginia. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* The state motto of Virginia is “Sic Semper Tyrannis”, which is Latin for “No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them”.
* George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He’s famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.
* Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: “King George – You suck. We’re outta here. – The Colonies”.
* Considering they used the letter “f” instead of “s” back in those days, it’s probably better that he went with the longer version.
* 28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women’s suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.
* Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England’s “Virgin Queen”, Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.
* The state song of Virginia is “Carry Me Back to Old Virginia”, which was chosen by one vote over “Like A Virgin”.
* Virginia’s early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying “You’ve come a long way, baby!”
* The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women’s underwear.
* The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON’T want to know what King James did with THOSE.
* Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots’ Dynasty.
* The state capital of Virginia – Richmond – was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish it still were.
* The Dogwood is Virginia’s state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.
* The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout “I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant’s butt!”
* Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.
* Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.
* 2000 of the Civil War’s battles were fought in Virginia…. 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee’s wife whacked him with a rolling pin.
* In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.
* Um… well… leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.
* The world’s largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week’s supply of donuts for Michael Moore.
* The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat as angry hip-hop music plays in the background.
* Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia’s Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year’s harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.
* The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia’s border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.
* Don’t feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.
* Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years – Monticello – which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.
* George Washington’s home – Mount Vernon – is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed “too un-presidential”.
* The world’s only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history’s greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.
* On April 9, 1865, at the Appomattox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant’s paper.
* St. John’s church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said “Give me liberty, or give me death!”. Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was “Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!”
* The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don’t know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.
_______________
That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go… Hey! Look!… Dogwood!.
11 Warning Labels for Guns
Well Michael Bloomberg is pouring $12 million more into gun control ads, but the ads no longer mention an “assault weapon” ban. Apparently, the gun control people are trying to take baby steps, finding more modest proposal so they can get at least one victory to build on to slowly work towards confiscation of all guns. With everything else failing, one innocuous idea is just to make it mandatory that guns have warning labels on them. Here’s what those could possibly be:
WARNING LABELS FOR GUNS
* “CAUTION: Not to be used orally.”
* “WARNING: Do not place in microwave.”
* “WARNING: Fires bullets.”
* “CAUTION: Not for use in mass murders.”
* “WARNING: Noise hazard; do not use near sleeping babies.”
* “WARNING: Mere existence can cause incoherent thinking in some leftists.”
* “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Guns are a leading cause of death for rapists.”
* “CAUTION: Objects holding a gun can appear cooler than they are.”
* “WARNING: Make sure to keep away from children, monkeys, and tyrants.”
* “CAUTION: Point only toward things you want dead.”
* “EXTREME WARNING: Obama won’t like you if you own this.”
WARNING LABELS FOR GUNS
* “CAUTION: Not to be used orally.”
* “WARNING: Do not place in microwave.”
* “WARNING: Fires bullets.”
* “CAUTION: Not for use in mass murders.”
* “WARNING: Noise hazard; do not use near sleeping babies.”
* “WARNING: Mere existence can cause incoherent thinking in some leftists.”
* “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Guns are a leading cause of death for rapists.”
* “CAUTION: Objects holding a gun can appear cooler than they are.”
* “WARNING: Make sure to keep away from children, monkeys, and tyrants.”
* “CAUTION: Point only toward things you want dead.”
* “EXTREME WARNING: Obama won’t like you if you own this.”
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Utah
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be getting run over by a rocket car going 700 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats as we visit Utah. So let’s get started…
_______________
* Utah became the 45th state on January 4th, 1896. It was originally founded by a group of Mormons from Illinois in search of a new food supply after they’d hunted the local population of lime jello to extinction.
* The state song of Utah is “Hooray for Sacred Undergarments!”
* Utah gets its name from the Navajo Indian word meaning, “yet another unreadably boring holy book”.
* Utah has a professional basketball team – the Utah Jazz. No one’s sure where they got the black guys for it, since the state is 50% whiter than the NHL and the American Polo League combined.
* Utah is home to America’s first department store, the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution. It operates today as ZCMI, after having won the trademark infringement lawsuit against Zionist Conspiracy Members International.
* The state motto of Utah is “7 am is NOT too early to ring doorbells for Jesus”.
* The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City took 40 years to complete. It would’ve been done sooner, but the workers were required to take church-mandated “conception breaks”.
* That’s Mormon for “nooners”.
* And when you have 30 wives, that makes for some LONG lunch hours.
* At 278 feet long, the Rainbow Bridge is the world’s largest natural-rock span. Geologists theorize that the stone beneath the arch was slowly worn away over the years by repeated impacts from an unlucky yet persistent coyote.
* Utah’s license plates have black lettering over a desert image background and feature the slogan “Annoying, yet SO nicely dressed”.
* Utah’s Great Salt Lake covers 2100 square miles with average depth of 13 feet. The salt concentration of the lake is approximately that of the rim of a margarita glass.
* Salt Lake City was originally called Great Salt Lake City. The word Great was eventually dropped, as the locals consider it a curse word – for example when used in such obscenities as “Great Caeser’s Ghost!” and “Great Googly Moogly!”.
* The state symbol of Utah is the beehive, which represents thrift, industry, and an insanely high birth rate.
* The state animal of Utah is the Rocky Mountain Oyster.
* Utah’s Wasatch mountain range is named after a Ute Indian word meaning “Wazzzup!”
* During WWII, the Alta, Utah, ski center served as a training ground for the paratroopers from the 10th Mountain Regiment, which is currently known as “The Xtreme Dew Crew Dudes!”
* Utah’s annual precipitation varies from 5 inches in the desert regions to 60 inches in the mountains, in clear violation of the Federal Rainfall Fairness Act.
* Damn Utah and it’s evil precipitationist discrimination!
* In 2002, Salt Lake City was the host of the XIX Olympic Winter Games. The event was a resounding success, marred only by the controversy over banning coffee as a performance-enhancing drug.
* Utah’s nickname is the “Pass The Sanka State”
* Fillmore, Utah served as it’s capital when it was still a territory. I was named for US President Millard Fillmore. The only other thing ever inspired by “America’s Boringest President” is a lame, right-wing comic strip which features a mallard and all the political subtlety of PeTA protesting at a KFC.
* The city of Kanab is known as “Utah’s Little Hollywood, because of the large number of motion pictures filmed in the area, including the new Wachowski Brothers film “Matrix: Decaffeinated”.
* Beaver, Utah is the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. Which is ironic, since half the time you can’t even say the name of his hometown on TV without getting bleeped.
* Salt Lake City, Utah, is the only state capital whose name contains three words, except for What’s That Smell, New Jersey.
* Utah was originally part of Mexico before the Mexican-American war. It was used by the Mexicans as an internment camp for deranged mental patients who swore using words like: ‘darn’, ‘fetch’, ‘flip’, ‘heck’, ‘shoot’, and ‘sugar’.
* The Spanish word for Utah translates roughly as “Ned Flanders”.
* Utah has over 11,000 miles of fishing streams, which are filled with rainbow trout and secret stashes of Coca-Cola.
* 65% of the land in Utah is owned by the federal government. The fact that 65% of the state is a barren, lifeless wasteland is just a coincidence.
* The television series “Touched By An Angel” was filmed in Utah, as was its low-rated spin-off, “Suing An Angel For Sexual Harassment”.
* Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation, as long as you define “literacy” to exclude any words that would trigger a PG-13 rating.
______________
That wraps up the Utah edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be wondering how to get that hippie smell out of our maple syrup as we visit Vermont.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a conception break.
This week, we’ll be getting run over by a rocket car going 700 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats as we visit Utah. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* The state song of Utah is “Hooray for Sacred Undergarments!”
* Utah gets its name from the Navajo Indian word meaning, “yet another unreadably boring holy book”.
* Utah has a professional basketball team – the Utah Jazz. No one’s sure where they got the black guys for it, since the state is 50% whiter than the NHL and the American Polo League combined.
* Utah is home to America’s first department store, the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution. It operates today as ZCMI, after having won the trademark infringement lawsuit against Zionist Conspiracy Members International.
* The state motto of Utah is “7 am is NOT too early to ring doorbells for Jesus”.
* The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City took 40 years to complete. It would’ve been done sooner, but the workers were required to take church-mandated “conception breaks”.
* That’s Mormon for “nooners”.
* And when you have 30 wives, that makes for some LONG lunch hours.
* At 278 feet long, the Rainbow Bridge is the world’s largest natural-rock span. Geologists theorize that the stone beneath the arch was slowly worn away over the years by repeated impacts from an unlucky yet persistent coyote.
* Utah’s license plates have black lettering over a desert image background and feature the slogan “Annoying, yet SO nicely dressed”.
* Utah’s Great Salt Lake covers 2100 square miles with average depth of 13 feet. The salt concentration of the lake is approximately that of the rim of a margarita glass.
* Salt Lake City was originally called Great Salt Lake City. The word Great was eventually dropped, as the locals consider it a curse word – for example when used in such obscenities as “Great Caeser’s Ghost!” and “Great Googly Moogly!”.
* The state symbol of Utah is the beehive, which represents thrift, industry, and an insanely high birth rate.
* The state animal of Utah is the Rocky Mountain Oyster.
* Utah’s Wasatch mountain range is named after a Ute Indian word meaning “Wazzzup!”
* During WWII, the Alta, Utah, ski center served as a training ground for the paratroopers from the 10th Mountain Regiment, which is currently known as “The Xtreme Dew Crew Dudes!”
* Utah’s annual precipitation varies from 5 inches in the desert regions to 60 inches in the mountains, in clear violation of the Federal Rainfall Fairness Act.
* Damn Utah and it’s evil precipitationist discrimination!
* In 2002, Salt Lake City was the host of the XIX Olympic Winter Games. The event was a resounding success, marred only by the controversy over banning coffee as a performance-enhancing drug.
* Utah’s nickname is the “Pass The Sanka State”
* Fillmore, Utah served as it’s capital when it was still a territory. I was named for US President Millard Fillmore. The only other thing ever inspired by “America’s Boringest President” is a lame, right-wing comic strip which features a mallard and all the political subtlety of PeTA protesting at a KFC.
* The city of Kanab is known as “Utah’s Little Hollywood, because of the large number of motion pictures filmed in the area, including the new Wachowski Brothers film “Matrix: Decaffeinated”.
* Beaver, Utah is the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. Which is ironic, since half the time you can’t even say the name of his hometown on TV without getting bleeped.
* Salt Lake City, Utah, is the only state capital whose name contains three words, except for What’s That Smell, New Jersey.
* Utah was originally part of Mexico before the Mexican-American war. It was used by the Mexicans as an internment camp for deranged mental patients who swore using words like: ‘darn’, ‘fetch’, ‘flip’, ‘heck’, ‘shoot’, and ‘sugar’.
* The Spanish word for Utah translates roughly as “Ned Flanders”.
* Utah has over 11,000 miles of fishing streams, which are filled with rainbow trout and secret stashes of Coca-Cola.
* 65% of the land in Utah is owned by the federal government. The fact that 65% of the state is a barren, lifeless wasteland is just a coincidence.
* The television series “Touched By An Angel” was filmed in Utah, as was its low-rated spin-off, “Suing An Angel For Sexual Harassment”.
* Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation, as long as you define “literacy” to exclude any words that would trigger a PG-13 rating.
______________
That wraps up the Utah edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be wondering how to get that hippie smell out of our maple syrup as we visit Vermont.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a conception break.
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Vermont
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be going to the only state that serves maple syrup at communion services as we visit Vermont. So let’s get started…
_______________
* Vermont became the 14th state on March 4, 1791 after they finally stopped holding out for having the state represented on the flag by a maple leaf.
* Vermont is the largest producer of maple syrup in the US. This keeps America from having to rely on inferior Canadian syrup, which is frequently tainted with impurities such as benzene or socialism.
* The stoner-rock band Phish got its start in Burlington, Vermont. It has a cult-like following similar to that of the Grateful Dead, except fewer of Phish’s fans are old enough to have taken the brown acid at Woodstock.
* In 1916, Barre, Vermont elected a socialist mayor. This ushered in 4 frightening years when their syrup was inferior to Canada’s.
* Vermont gets its name from the French words “verts monts”, which mean “green mountains” and are the only two words in the language which don’t translate roughly as “we surrender”.
* Vermont’s capital of Montpelier has a population of under 9,000 people, which means there’s always plenty of parking for filthy hippies when they show up to protest whatever it is that’s pissing them off this week.
* Montpelier is the only state capital in the US without a McDonald’s, which – technically – makes it a backwards, third-world hellhole. Expect Sally Struthers to be doing some “save the children” commercials for the place sometime soon.
* Vermont has a cows-to-people ratio of 10 to 1, which makes me suspect that the absence of a Montpelier McDonald’s is due to heavy lobbying by Big Cow.
* Vermont’s two biggest employees are Ben & Jerry’s and IBM. IBM actually has trouble attracting workers, since it offers its habitually-baked-at-lunch hippie labor pool fewer opportunities to assuage their munchies by nibbling on the company product.
* Vermont was, at various times in its history, claimed by both New Hampshire and New York. However, like the skunk, it escaped these predators by emitting a New-Jersey-like odor.
* Until 1996, Vermont was the only state without a Wal-Mart, leaving fat women in lime-green stretch pants wandering the streets without a place to gather, gossip, and ignore their crying children.
* Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream company has always given their ice cream waste to local farmers to feed their hogs. However, since Ben & Jerry’s was acquired by the multi-billion dollar business conglomerate Unilever in 2000, the hogs have refused to eat it, citing the bitter, corporate-sellout taste.
* While living in Vermont in the 1890′s, author Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf. It’s played by cursing and throwing your clubs while searching for a white ball in a snowbank.
* Born in Plymouth, Vermont, in 1872, Calvin Coolidge is the only US president born on the 4th of July, and thus the only president to get the free Yankee Doodle Dandy Birthday Sundae from the White House Cafeteria.
* Vermont’s state capitol building is one of the few to have a gold-covered dome. At the peak of the dome stands a stature of Ceres, the Greek goddess of pancake toppings.
* Over 70 percent of Vermont traffic tickets issued in 1996 were given to male drivers, most of whom were speeding because they were late picking up their fat-assed wives from Wal-Mart.
* Ida May Fuller of Brattleboro, Vermont, was the first US citizen to collect a Social Security check. After paying in $100 during her working years, she collected over $20,000 after she retired, giving her a return on investment nearly that of a Hillary Clinton cattle futures purchase.
* Wildlife biologists estimate that as many as five out of six deer can die during a hard winter in Vermont. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it’s just nature’s way of ensuring that Vermont’s many ski resorts have enough moguls.
* Vermont does not allow billboard advertising because it interferes with the natural beauty of the state’s scenery. Companies get around this by sponsoring signs at anti-war protests, like “Make Love, Not War! – Buy Viagra!”.
* Vermont has more ski resorts than any other state in the US. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it’s just nature’s way of keeping down the Kennedy population.
* Part of the movie Beetlejuice was filmed in Vermont. The afterlife waiting room scene was shot using people returning from a Phish concert in order to save money on costumes & makeup.
* The Vermont area was first explored by Frenchman Samuel de Champlain, who claimed it for his home country after noting with approval how many deer surrendered to starvation every year.
* Inventor John Deere was born in Rutland, Vermont, in 1804. He invented the lawnmower in 1872 and the shredded foot in 1873.
* Brigham Young and Joseph Smith were both born in Vermont. They founded the Mormon church shortly after being unable to make a go of Brigham & Joseph’s Ice Cream. Possibly because of such unpopular flavor offerings as Bible Bangin’ Banana and Sodom & Gomorrah Surprise.
* On July 2, 1777, Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery. The newly freed black man was reportedly overjoyed.
* The first postage stamp issued in the US was made in Battleboro, Vermont, in 1846. Prior to this, postage payment was indicated by having a hole shot in the corner of the envelope by a disgruntled employee.
* The first person to cross the entire US by automobile was Dr. H. Nelson Jackson of Burlington, Vermont. Arriving in New York 2 months after leaving San Francisco, his first words were, “Outta my way! I gotta whiz like a racehorse!”.
* The first Boy Scout troop was organized in Barre, Vermont in 1909 by William F. Milne, who made millions forcing the boys to earn their “indentured servant” merit badges.
* The first ski chairlift was used on Vermont’s Mt. Mansfield in 1940. Prior to this, skiers ascended the slopes using tow ropes attached to indentured Boy Scouts.
* The first Head Start Program, which prepares underprivileged preschool children for elementary school, was started in East Fairfield, Vermont. The original curriculum consisted simply of telling the kids repeatedly throughout the day, “get used to failure, losers!”.
* The singing Von Trapp family – whose flight from Austria was made famous in the movie “The Sound of Music” – eventually settled in Stowe, Vermont, because it reminded them of the country they left behind, which also consisted of ski slopes full of snooty, Jew-hating WASP’s.
_______________
That wraps up the Vermont edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be surrounded by bleached blond surfers who say “dude!” with a southern accent as we visit Virginia.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go get paid for my “No Blood For Oil! Exxon Takes VISA!” sign.
This week, we’ll be going to the only state that serves maple syrup at communion services as we visit Vermont. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* Vermont is the largest producer of maple syrup in the US. This keeps America from having to rely on inferior Canadian syrup, which is frequently tainted with impurities such as benzene or socialism.
* The stoner-rock band Phish got its start in Burlington, Vermont. It has a cult-like following similar to that of the Grateful Dead, except fewer of Phish’s fans are old enough to have taken the brown acid at Woodstock.
* In 1916, Barre, Vermont elected a socialist mayor. This ushered in 4 frightening years when their syrup was inferior to Canada’s.
* Vermont gets its name from the French words “verts monts”, which mean “green mountains” and are the only two words in the language which don’t translate roughly as “we surrender”.
* Vermont’s capital of Montpelier has a population of under 9,000 people, which means there’s always plenty of parking for filthy hippies when they show up to protest whatever it is that’s pissing them off this week.
* Montpelier is the only state capital in the US without a McDonald’s, which – technically – makes it a backwards, third-world hellhole. Expect Sally Struthers to be doing some “save the children” commercials for the place sometime soon.
* Vermont has a cows-to-people ratio of 10 to 1, which makes me suspect that the absence of a Montpelier McDonald’s is due to heavy lobbying by Big Cow.
* Vermont’s two biggest employees are Ben & Jerry’s and IBM. IBM actually has trouble attracting workers, since it offers its habitually-baked-at-lunch hippie labor pool fewer opportunities to assuage their munchies by nibbling on the company product.
* Vermont was, at various times in its history, claimed by both New Hampshire and New York. However, like the skunk, it escaped these predators by emitting a New-Jersey-like odor.
* Until 1996, Vermont was the only state without a Wal-Mart, leaving fat women in lime-green stretch pants wandering the streets without a place to gather, gossip, and ignore their crying children.
* Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream company has always given their ice cream waste to local farmers to feed their hogs. However, since Ben & Jerry’s was acquired by the multi-billion dollar business conglomerate Unilever in 2000, the hogs have refused to eat it, citing the bitter, corporate-sellout taste.
* While living in Vermont in the 1890′s, author Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf. It’s played by cursing and throwing your clubs while searching for a white ball in a snowbank.
* Born in Plymouth, Vermont, in 1872, Calvin Coolidge is the only US president born on the 4th of July, and thus the only president to get the free Yankee Doodle Dandy Birthday Sundae from the White House Cafeteria.
* Vermont’s state capitol building is one of the few to have a gold-covered dome. At the peak of the dome stands a stature of Ceres, the Greek goddess of pancake toppings.
* Over 70 percent of Vermont traffic tickets issued in 1996 were given to male drivers, most of whom were speeding because they were late picking up their fat-assed wives from Wal-Mart.
* Ida May Fuller of Brattleboro, Vermont, was the first US citizen to collect a Social Security check. After paying in $100 during her working years, she collected over $20,000 after she retired, giving her a return on investment nearly that of a Hillary Clinton cattle futures purchase.
* Wildlife biologists estimate that as many as five out of six deer can die during a hard winter in Vermont. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it’s just nature’s way of ensuring that Vermont’s many ski resorts have enough moguls.
* Vermont does not allow billboard advertising because it interferes with the natural beauty of the state’s scenery. Companies get around this by sponsoring signs at anti-war protests, like “Make Love, Not War! – Buy Viagra!”.
* Vermont has more ski resorts than any other state in the US. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it’s just nature’s way of keeping down the Kennedy population.
* Part of the movie Beetlejuice was filmed in Vermont. The afterlife waiting room scene was shot using people returning from a Phish concert in order to save money on costumes & makeup.
* The Vermont area was first explored by Frenchman Samuel de Champlain, who claimed it for his home country after noting with approval how many deer surrendered to starvation every year.
* Inventor John Deere was born in Rutland, Vermont, in 1804. He invented the lawnmower in 1872 and the shredded foot in 1873.
* Brigham Young and Joseph Smith were both born in Vermont. They founded the Mormon church shortly after being unable to make a go of Brigham & Joseph’s Ice Cream. Possibly because of such unpopular flavor offerings as Bible Bangin’ Banana and Sodom & Gomorrah Surprise.
* On July 2, 1777, Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery. The newly freed black man was reportedly overjoyed.
* The first postage stamp issued in the US was made in Battleboro, Vermont, in 1846. Prior to this, postage payment was indicated by having a hole shot in the corner of the envelope by a disgruntled employee.
* The first person to cross the entire US by automobile was Dr. H. Nelson Jackson of Burlington, Vermont. Arriving in New York 2 months after leaving San Francisco, his first words were, “Outta my way! I gotta whiz like a racehorse!”.
* The first Boy Scout troop was organized in Barre, Vermont in 1909 by William F. Milne, who made millions forcing the boys to earn their “indentured servant” merit badges.
* The first ski chairlift was used on Vermont’s Mt. Mansfield in 1940. Prior to this, skiers ascended the slopes using tow ropes attached to indentured Boy Scouts.
* The first Head Start Program, which prepares underprivileged preschool children for elementary school, was started in East Fairfield, Vermont. The original curriculum consisted simply of telling the kids repeatedly throughout the day, “get used to failure, losers!”.
* The singing Von Trapp family – whose flight from Austria was made famous in the movie “The Sound of Music” – eventually settled in Stowe, Vermont, because it reminded them of the country they left behind, which also consisted of ski slopes full of snooty, Jew-hating WASP’s.
_______________
That wraps up the Vermont edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be surrounded by bleached blond surfers who say “dude!” with a southern accent as we visit Virginia.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go get paid for my “No Blood For Oil! Exxon Takes VISA!” sign.
10 Ways to Get More People Interested in the Conservative Movement
So CPAC is over, and I’m sure at it they concluded things like “conservatism is good.” But the big question with Obama being reelected is how do we get more people in the conservative movement. Here are my ideas:
HOW TO GET MORE PEOPLE INTERESTED IN THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
* Show how math can be fun… and even if you don’t find it fun, it can kill you so pay attention to it.
* Make the main part of next year’s CPAC a dancing, singing, cooking competition where you bid on storage lockers.
* Make freedom “hip” by getting a cool mascot like a dog wearing sunglasses.
* Play pop music at conservative events and instruct everyone to pretend to like it. Distribute powerful sedatives if needed.
* Remind teens they’re supposed to be anti-establishment — i.e., not rally around the most powerful man in the world who keeps trying to increase his power while refusing transparency.
* Within in the next ten years, make it the goal for the conservative movement to be at least 15% robots.
* Everyone who joins the conservative movement gets a puppy. No kicking.
* Start educating kids at an early age on the importance of punching hippies.
* Try to find some way to make responsibility more popular, like coming up with a name for it that will appeal to youth such as “bieber-ism.”
* Maybe just give up on conservatism as a political movement and instead have it become a chain of restaurants that makes a burger patty entirely out of bacon. $1 extra for gravy.
What are your ideas?
HOW TO GET MORE PEOPLE INTERESTED IN THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT
* Show how math can be fun… and even if you don’t find it fun, it can kill you so pay attention to it.
* Make the main part of next year’s CPAC a dancing, singing, cooking competition where you bid on storage lockers.
* Make freedom “hip” by getting a cool mascot like a dog wearing sunglasses.
* Play pop music at conservative events and instruct everyone to pretend to like it. Distribute powerful sedatives if needed.
* Remind teens they’re supposed to be anti-establishment — i.e., not rally around the most powerful man in the world who keeps trying to increase his power while refusing transparency.
* Within in the next ten years, make it the goal for the conservative movement to be at least 15% robots.
* Everyone who joins the conservative movement gets a puppy. No kicking.
* Start educating kids at an early age on the importance of punching hippies.
* Try to find some way to make responsibility more popular, like coming up with a name for it that will appeal to youth such as “bieber-ism.”
* Maybe just give up on conservatism as a political movement and instead have it become a chain of restaurants that makes a burger patty entirely out of bacon. $1 extra for gravy.
What are your ideas?
Sunday, March 17, 2013
FUN FACTS ABOUT IRELAND
* Ireland is slightly larger than the state of West Virginia. However, in Ireland, impoverished mountain folk are known as “hillrileys”
* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.
* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!
* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.
* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.
* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.
* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”
* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.
* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.
* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.
* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”
* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.
* All Irish citizens are required by law to make a bizarre pilgrimmage to Dublin once a year, crawling on their bellies while balancing a full glass of Guinness on their head.
* The average life expectancy for men in Ireland is 75 years. At 76, the crystal in their hand starts flashing red. Carousel!
* 88% of the Irish are members of the Roman Catholic Church, making the Catholic population nearly as large as the Kennedys.
* Ireland’s #1 agricultural product is turnips, which the nation switched to after the country’s potato crop was devastated by a visiting Michael Moore on a french-fry binge.
* There are 36 airports in Ireland, all suitable for night-flight landings thanks to the plethora of neon “Jameson” bar signs lighting the runways.
* Catherine Kelly was the smallest Irish woman ever, only 34 inches tall. She died in 1785 in the electric chair after mudering 137 people while screaming “leprechaun jokes aren’t funny!”
* And before you ask, no, they never found her pot of gold, smartass.
* According to one rather obscure Irish legend, a ringing in your ears means a deceased friend stuck in Purgatory is ringing a bell to ask for you to pray for him. Or you’re an idiot who forgot to remove your bluetooth earpiece.
* Montgomery Street in Dublin was once the largest red light district in all of Europe, with over 1600 prostitutes plying their trade. Most of them insisted you should pronounce their name to rhyme with “book”.
* In the olden days, a pig was often allowed to live in the house with the family on an Irish farm. He was commonly referred to as “the gentleman who pays the rent.” Modern Irish immigrant families usually just called him “Teddy”.
* A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day”, and is celebrated with binge-drinking, dancing, and raucous music. As are all other days containing weather.
* “Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes. It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. Although similar, it should not be confused with its more annoying cousin, “bagpiping.”
* Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool”, although they had considered naming it “Marbh Linn” after the 5th and best Dirty Harry movie.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Fun Facts About the 50 States: Texas
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalepeno ice cream as we visit Texas. So let’s get started…
_______________
* Texas became the 28th state on December 29th, 1845 after the US won it from Mexico in – ironically – a game of Texas Hold ‘em.
* Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having “too many” executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of “life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle”.
* Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan “All the oil, without all the burkhas”.
* The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.
* Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning “short swim to a welfare check”.
* Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.
* President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn’t need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.
* The state tree of Texas is the gallows.
* The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.
* If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.
* The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Obama’s immigration policy.
* President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, “LBJ”. Which should not be confused with President Clinton’s nickname among Hispanic voters, “el BJ”.
* Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world’s largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.
* Texas’ nickname is “the big freakin’ hat state”.
* More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.
* Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America’s basement, where it remains to this day.
* Lazy bum.
* An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree’s birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.
* Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.
* On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales’s head on a pike and a capital “T” branded on his forehead.
* The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.
* The state motto of Texas is “That chili’s not hot, you’re just a wuss”.
* Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they’ve outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase “Cowboys and Indians”.
* The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.
* The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.
* The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. Personally, I think it’s nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.
* The first word spoken from the moon was “Houston”. The second and third words were “Astros” and “suck”.
* Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US – Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates – George W. Bush and Ross Perot.
* The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.
* 17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.
* The world’s first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state’s oppressive bestiality laws.
_______________
That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be finding it ironic that a state that’s filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.
This week, we’ll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalepeno ice cream as we visit Texas. So let’s get started…
_______________
 |
* Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having “too many” executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of “life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle”.
* Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan “All the oil, without all the burkhas”.
* The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.
* Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning “short swim to a welfare check”.
* Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.
* President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn’t need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.
* The state tree of Texas is the gallows.
* The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.
* If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.
* The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Obama’s immigration policy.
* President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, “LBJ”. Which should not be confused with President Clinton’s nickname among Hispanic voters, “el BJ”.
* Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world’s largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.
* Texas’ nickname is “the big freakin’ hat state”.
* More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.
* Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America’s basement, where it remains to this day.
* Lazy bum.
* An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree’s birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.
* Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.
* On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales’s head on a pike and a capital “T” branded on his forehead.
* The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.
* The state motto of Texas is “That chili’s not hot, you’re just a wuss”.
* Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they’ve outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase “Cowboys and Indians”.
* The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.
* The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.
* The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, DC. Personally, I think it’s nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.
* The first word spoken from the moon was “Houston”. The second and third words were “Astros” and “suck”.
* Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US – Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates – George W. Bush and Ross Perot.
* The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.
* 17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.
* The world’s first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state’s oppressive bestiality laws.
_______________
That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be finding it ironic that a state that’s filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.
8 Things You Can Do to Pick Up the Slack of Sequestered Government
So we’re a couple days into the sequester; how is everyone holding out? You may seem fine now, but let’s not underestimate the devastating effects of having marginally smaller government. In fact, to keep order in this country, maybe we can all pick up some of the slack of our 2% smaller government.
THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP REPLACE GOVERNMENT
* While friends and neighbors are trying to work on useful things, yell at them.
* If anyone needs something from you, make him wait in a line.
* Propose big, new, unproven ideas that you have no idea how to fund.
* Do your best not to comprehend the needs or concerns of anyone.
* Advise people on how to do jobs you’ve never done yourself.
* Make people fill out lots of forms before doing anything, no matter how simple.
* Build a bridge for no particular reason.
* Point a gun at people and take money from them. Spend the money frivolously.
Any other ideas on how we make it like government is still around in full force?
THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP REPLACE GOVERNMENT
* While friends and neighbors are trying to work on useful things, yell at them.
* If anyone needs something from you, make him wait in a line.
* Propose big, new, unproven ideas that you have no idea how to fund.
* Do your best not to comprehend the needs or concerns of anyone.
* Advise people on how to do jobs you’ve never done yourself.
* Make people fill out lots of forms before doing anything, no matter how simple.
* Build a bridge for no particular reason.
* Point a gun at people and take money from them. Spend the money frivolously.
Any other ideas on how we make it like government is still around in full force?
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