BILL OF NO RIGHTS

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to *pursue* happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

As a child I thought Cinco de Mayo was just an excuse for my neighbor to get drunk and chase us off his property with sticks.  But it turns out there’s much more to this rich Latin holiday than chile rellenos and cervesa and bruises and blood.   Cinco de Mayo is a grand Mexican celebration of mayonnaise.  Mayonnaise has a rich history in Mesoamerica going back over 4000 years. Here are some little known facts about Mesoamerica and its love of mayo.

• Mayo was invented and embraced originally by the Olmecs, mainly because the cuisine in ancient Mesoamerica sucked.
• The Olmec civilization ultimately disappeared due to widespread food poisoning acquired from improper refrigeration/storage of the newly invented mayo. Most considered it a worthwhile tradeoff.
• Because of the importance of mayo to the culture, the Maya were originally called the Mayo; however, the first person to write the name made a typographical error. Since this predated white-out by several centuries, the error was irreversible.
• Anyone in Mexico found using Miracle Whip on Cinco de Mayo is summarily executed, chopped up, made into heretic-salad sandwiches and consumed by the angry masses.
• When the Spaniards were first greeted by the Aztecs and Incas, the natives served them mayo. Since the Spaniards took great pride in the belief that they had been the first culture to invent mayo, the natives and all traces of their mayo industry had to be wiped out. The search for gold was just a hastily devised cover up. Ironically enough, the French are now credited with the invention of mayo.
• The Mayan culture of warfare originally began as a means of conquering societies for their emulsion technologies. Ancient pictographs have been discovered depicting activists with signs that translate roughly to: No blood for mayo. Later pictographs depict the activists being chopped up and made into activist-salad sandwiches.
• Modern Mexicans are often seen slathering themselves in mayo. This serves to both insulate them from the cold Gulf waters and assist them in slipping underneath the border fence. This is where the term greasy Mexican was derived. (I’m sorry. That was terribly racist. It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greasy. If any of you feel offended, stick your head in a big pile of… I mean, feel free to send me hate mail slaked with anti-white slurs).
• One should note that mayo is never served in Mexican restaurants. This is because the greedy Mexicans horde it for themselves. (It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greedy).
• Subway is the only chain committed to serving only Mexican-safe mayo along with their dolphin-safe tuna. Regardless of the environmental lobbying, the other chains refuse to make the change claiming that mayo just tastes better with a little Mexican in it.  (Note for the home cooks: I know how to set you up with a little Mexican.  Call me for details).

This Land is Their Land

I started looking into that new immigration bill the Democrats and Marco Rubio are putting together, and I don’t think it is really as advertised.  I found some rather interesting provisions that they seem to be keeping hush hush about.  Provisions like these:

• A provision requires putting legal aliens in a melting pot until tender.
• The citizenship test for those requesting amnesty include sections on bomb making and the fundamentals of Sharia Law.
• The Fast and Furious program will be expanded to provide guns to Mexican American drug dealers.
• Amnesty comes with free registration in the union of your choice.
• ACORN will be in charge of organizing communities and voter registration for all new immigrants.
• Regarding voter registration for new citizens, proof of life is optional.
• Texas and all its proceeds will now be a fully owned subsidiary of Tijuana.
• A new, less offensive National Anthem will be composed and performed by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.
• New labor laws will include a mandated daily paid siesta.
• All illegal aliens, regardless of ethnicity, will be given a $500,000 settlement as reparations for the Mexican-American War.
• Amnesty will not be considered for undocumented French Canadians.  Into the melting pot with them.
• The bill establishes a separate, lower minimum wage for landscaping and housekeeping jobs.
• Maybe it’s an error, but the sketch of the proposed border wall, drawn on a paper napkin, indicates that the wall will be 16” tall. 
• Amnesty comes with a get out of jail free card redeemable at the federal or state correctional facility of your choice.
• Lastly, cock fighting is finally legal.

I am Joe - Rubio

I am Joe.

I am scared again.  There was a knock at the door and it was one of those unlegal Americans.  I told him we already had a lawn mower but there was a Taco Bell down the street.  But he said No no I have a pointment with the Boss.  Me llamo Marco Rubio.  I slammed the door fast and ran and hid in my closet.

I have heard of Marco Rubio.  I have heard that he has a baby face.  Lisa says it is true.  She says that he keeps it in his sock drawer and he pulls it out and pets it when he gets lonely.  Sometimes he wears it.  She said he wants an old man face too.  I don’t want him to put my face in his sock drawer and pet it when he is lonely.

I heard Boss and Missus Boss and Aunt Nancy let him in.  They must not know him.  I have to save them, I thought.  I bet he doesn’t have a clean, articulate face or a bitter, old black nanny face or a rictus Botox face yet either.  I got down the Halloween box and put on the Fidel beard and the Spanish Conquistador costume to scare him back.  I snucked out of my closet.  I could hear them talk.  They were talking about anchor babies.  That man is a monster.  Who would make an anchor out of a baby?  Oh, yeah cause they can’t swim.  But he is still a monster. I runned back away.

I am not coming out of my closet until he goes away.

I am Joe.

A Little Perspective for Jay Carney

The murder of four people including an American Ambassador in Benghazi on September 11, 2012, was an event we won't forget soon.  After 7 months of continuing  efforts to find out what happened and what the administration did or didn't do at the time, yesterday (May 1) Jay Carney informed us that Benghazi happened a "long time ago".  In one sense I can understand why he would say that. 

Obviously this administration counted on the notion that by now this would have all faded into the background.  That hasn't happened, and the persistent questions that hang in the air haven't gone away.  It's been compounded by the obvious efforts at stonewalling requests for information, the mysterious sequestration of eyewitnesses, and the performance put on by Hillary Clinton, "what difference does it make?"  With all that going on, it must seem like a very long time indeed.  Technically due to the fact that there is still an active inquiry by members of congress, and that, like it or not, we will find out what this administration did and has been doing to conceal it all, the matter can't be correctly thought of in the past tense at all.  What might help Mr Carney is a little perspective on what the term "long time ago" means.  Here is a short list of events from the past that might help, Jay:   

 It's been a "long time" since:

   

  • The Roman Empire was founded  (753 BC)

  • We discovered fire  (Apr 3, 100,000 BC)

  • The first time some idiot set himself on fire  (Apr 4, 100,000 BC)

  • They invented trains  (1803)

  • The civil war ended  (1865)

  • The Chicago Cubs won the World Series (1908)

  • Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin  (1928)

  • Jackie Robinson made his debut in MLB (1947)

  • Hopalong Cassidy died  (1972)

  • Anybody wanted to know what Rosy O'Donell
       thought about anything  (1980)

Also, yesterday our Secretary of State John Kerry said, on a related note:  we need to "demythologize" Benghazi.  Or something.

Obama Sure Knows How to Pick ‘Em

So Obama’s nominee to head the Federal Housing Finance Agency, Mel Watt, once said that white people need to be excluded from democracy because you just have to assume that they’re too racist to vote for a black person. And black people are superior to whites in that they never vote on racial reasons.
You notice how it’s getting really hard these days to tell people fighting against racism from huge stupid racists?
You know, back in the day, racist knew they were racist. People would be like, “Oh yeah, I don’t like minorities.” Nowadays, I don’t think the big racist even know they’re racists. In fact, I think the biggest racist now are the ones who think they’re fighting racism. It’s kinda sad. And I think the only solution is to shun them from society as huge idiots and then mock the dummies like Obama who tolerate them.

You’ll Get Your Religious Freedom After We Murder You

So there was a poll to see how prevalent some extremists attitudes are in Muslim countries, and as for the number of Muslims who think anyone who leaves Islam should be executed, it’s a shockingly large number in many countries. And as Allahpundit pointed out, they didn’t even poll Saudi Arabia in this, so this isn’t even a complete picture of the problem. Also, going by those numbers, there hasn’t to be a decent overlap in some of those countries of people who believe in “religious freedom” and “killing apostates,” so you kinda have to wonder what they think religious freedom means.
Kazakhstan had the smallest number of respondents support murdering people who leave Islam with only a couple percent for it, and I would assume that even fewer Muslims in the U.S. support that… but I hope someone is making sure. Not really a compatible belief with this country.
BTW, try Christianity. We believe so much you’ll like our religion, we won’t even threaten to kill you if you try to leave. That’s a get your life back guarantee!