Happy Cinco de Mayo

As a child I thought Cinco de Mayo was just an excuse for my neighbor to get drunk and chase us off his property with sticks.  But it turns out there’s much more to this rich Latin holiday than chile rellenos and cervesa and bruises and blood.   Cinco de Mayo is a grand Mexican celebration of mayonnaise.  Mayonnaise has a rich history in Mesoamerica going back over 4000 years. Here are some little known facts about Mesoamerica and its love of mayo.

• Mayo was invented and embraced originally by the Olmecs, mainly because the cuisine in ancient Mesoamerica sucked.
• The Olmec civilization ultimately disappeared due to widespread food poisoning acquired from improper refrigeration/storage of the newly invented mayo. Most considered it a worthwhile tradeoff.
• Because of the importance of mayo to the culture, the Maya were originally called the Mayo; however, the first person to write the name made a typographical error. Since this predated white-out by several centuries, the error was irreversible.
• Anyone in Mexico found using Miracle Whip on Cinco de Mayo is summarily executed, chopped up, made into heretic-salad sandwiches and consumed by the angry masses.
• When the Spaniards were first greeted by the Aztecs and Incas, the natives served them mayo. Since the Spaniards took great pride in the belief that they had been the first culture to invent mayo, the natives and all traces of their mayo industry had to be wiped out. The search for gold was just a hastily devised cover up. Ironically enough, the French are now credited with the invention of mayo.
• The Mayan culture of warfare originally began as a means of conquering societies for their emulsion technologies. Ancient pictographs have been discovered depicting activists with signs that translate roughly to: No blood for mayo. Later pictographs depict the activists being chopped up and made into activist-salad sandwiches.
• Modern Mexicans are often seen slathering themselves in mayo. This serves to both insulate them from the cold Gulf waters and assist them in slipping underneath the border fence. This is where the term greasy Mexican was derived. (I’m sorry. That was terribly racist. It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greasy. If any of you feel offended, stick your head in a big pile of… I mean, feel free to send me hate mail slaked with anti-white slurs).
• One should note that mayo is never served in Mexican restaurants. This is because the greedy Mexicans horde it for themselves. (It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greedy).
• Subway is the only chain committed to serving only Mexican-safe mayo along with their dolphin-safe tuna. Regardless of the environmental lobbying, the other chains refuse to make the change claiming that mayo just tastes better with a little Mexican in it.  (Note for the home cooks: I know how to set you up with a little Mexican.  Call me for details).