I Guess We Will Have to Ban Knifes Now

Even though the machete/butcher’s cleaver terrorists in England openly stated they were Jihadists, the media still can’t seem to accept that simple fact.  Something else, probably America or right wing nutjobs, must be the root cause.  Something like a combination of these:

• The attackers weren’t really Jihadists.  They were just following orders because AIPAC had their families.
• They were just so mad that 24 will be coming back.
• Bath salts followed by too many hours watching Gordon Ramsey.
• This Youtube video.
• They were really vacationing Tea Partiers, and this was their way of mourning Margaret Thatcher.
• They were driven to violence by British cuisine.
• Lack of bacon makes anyone testy.
• They were just soccer hooligans who hadn’t realized the Manchester United brawl hadn’t already ended.
• They were paid operatives of the NRA employed to demonstrate how vulnerable an unarmed society is.
• If they guy didn’t want to get attacked, then he shouldn’t have dressed like a soldier.
• They thought they heard the victim mention Trig in a disparaging manner, and they just love math so much they couldn’t bear it. (For you Bunkerhillbilly)

Exposed:More Inappropriate IRS Questions

The IRS has now been exposed for giving extra oppressive scrutiny to Tea Party groups applying for Tax-Exempt status. The questions on these applications required the groups to list more than just their purpose: They were required to list their family members, their beliefs, their reading lists, the CONTENT OF THEIR PRAYERS.

I have, through means of stealth and dishonesty, managed to track down more of the questions that the IRS was using to screen conservative groups and subject them to extra rigorous scrutiny.

 Here are some of the more egregious of them:

Better president: George W. Bush or Satan?

Do you understand that Reagan's legacy falls naturally to the Democratic Party?

Why do you hate old people?

Why do you hate kids?

Why are you a racist?

Have you ever been in a cockpit before?

Better deity to worship: Baal or Moloch?

If I die, will you get married again?

Less filling or Tastes great?

Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Why is Obama the bestest president ever?

Who wrote the Book of Love?

Why do fools fall in love?

Do you like movies about gladiators?

Who's your daddy?

Does this outfit make me look fat?

What is the capital of Assyria?

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me?

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

What's that smell?

Can you smell that smell?

Have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny say?

Who'll stop the rain?

Is that, in fact, what she said?

How do you know she's a witch?

Is that a rabbit in you pocket or are you just happy Obama's president?

Team Edward or Team Jacob?

What is your favorite color?

Paper or plastic?

Why do you hate America?

Abortion: Safe, legal and rare, or just safe and legal?

Better news channel: CNN or MSNBC?

Better here? or here?

Okay, now, here? or here?

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow

Scandals, Scandals Everywhere…….

It sure seems like the press is actually beginning to pay attention to some of the Obama administration scandals.  Could it be that the press is finally beginning to lose its bias?  Of course not.  That would be silly.  According to my connections in the State Department, these superficial scandals are just a diversion to cover up for the really embarrassing scandals that are being actively suppressed.  I’ll be slowly leaking these scandals out over the coming week as I am able to uncover them.

• Michelle Obama provided legal advice to the Baker’s Union associated with the bankruptcy of Hostess and is vested in the private venture capital group that has purchased the Hostess recipes.
• The NAACP has begun to officially question Obama’s ‘black authenticity’ since leaked security footage from the White House locker room depicts him slathering himself with spray tan and insta-perm.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I'm sure everybody is as surprised as I am at the stunning revelation that the IRS was singling out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny and invasive questioning. Which is to say: Not surprised in the slightest.

The headline on this story should read: Group Protesting Oppressive Government and Taxation Oppressed by Oppressive Government Entity Responsible For Enforcing Tax Code.

But that wouldn't fit.

The sad fact here is that the Obama Administration (and I have little doubt this goes very high up, indeed. Alinsky rules. Put an amoral man in the White House, expect amoral behavior from his administration.) has gone and proven the truth of what the Tea Party was protesting: That high taxes and big government lead to oppression.

Don't expect to hear that (absolutely true) analysis on the Nightly News: Obama Administration Validates Tea Party Concerns.

Just wait until his IRS has a hand in enforcing your health care.

House of Cards

So, with all that has been going on lately, like a new scandal every day or something, it might seem like the Obama house of cards is starting to fall apart. I mean, it's been crazy enough that Benghazi was almost completely ignored for so long until now and that people just bought what the White House was selling on that, but the fact that they are trying to spin the same way with all of this other stuff that's going on is just insulting. The people may be stupid sometimes, but we aren't stupid all of the time. And from the sweat on Carney's brow lately, I'm guessing he, at least, knows that. Not sure about his boss though.

It really does take a special kind of arrogance to not only swat this stuff away as "republicans on a witch hunt" or whatever, but also for one of the targets of your administration's misuse of power and buffoonery being a major media organization. That's like being a little weakling but never getting beat up because your best friend is a 7 foot, 300 lb body builder who protects you. And then calling that best friend names. That's just a really bad idea. And as these stories seem to be carried more and more on all of the media outlets, I'd guess Obama's best friend is a bit peeved.

So it's easy to assume that this stuff will just cascade out of control and that "we've only scratched the surface" as one politician put it. And that this will all lead to impeachment or something. You can already see people saying "impeach!" all over the internet, and the facts aren't even clear yet. I would be very surprised if there wasn't a lot of skeletons in this administration's closet, including serious criminal and unconstitutional conduct...it is Chicago politics after all. But don't be hasty about impeachment...we all saw how pointless that is with Clinton.

Granted, the things Clinton was being charged for were possibly lesser offenses than what Obama might be guilty of (again..Chicago politics), but the problem is, few people actually want to see a sitting president removed. And I don't mean you or me, I mean politicians. The idea of it makes them feel vulnerable themselves and uncomfortable. There isn't much love for actual accountability in Washington. So, I am about 99% sure that unless Obama personally murdered someone, he's safe.

And that might be a good thing. Because if Obama goes, we have Biden, unless they can stick charges to him too (doubtful...does anyone really believe Biden is in the circle?). And after that Boener, and the list gets worse. If there was something to be done, I would prefer some kind of censuring with the stipulation that the President is not allowed to leave the White House or get in front of a camera or submit stupid ideas for the remainder of his presidency.

Like a perfect little president.

The Lamest Duck

Aw, have you seen poor little Obama lately? That special guy just seems so scared and confused about all the scandals going on. And he doesn’t know anything about any of them! I mean, he’s just the president; it’s not like its his job to know what’s going on with the government.
And Obama’s all like, “Well, I guess you’ll have to talk to the Attorney General, Eric Holder. Oh, he doesn’t know anything either. I guess you’ll have to talk to his supervisor. Wait, that’s me. I guess you’ll have to talk to my supervisor then. I think that’s Bush.”
And now some people are worried that all this incompetence and lack of accountability will cause people to lose faith in government. Of course, conservatives have always said we shouldn’t have faith in government because it will constantly fail, but no one believed us until we were smart enough to get a bunch of incompetent liberals elected to demonstrate it. Now we can just point at the Obama administration and say, “See. This is why you don’t trust the government to do things. Wait… what? You already turned health care over to it?! Idiots!”
And I bet Obama had big plans for his second term — probably all drawn out on construction paper with crayon and everything. Well, maybe he can turn things around and get a huge majority in Congress in 2014 and ram through his agenda again — that would probably finish the country off. More likely, though, Obama will just flounder around lamely for three and half more years. And that’s the best case scenario for the country right now.
But 2016 will come, and then I can be elected president. And I will not tolerate any scandals in government. If I hear of one guy doing something wrong in the IRS, I will blow up the entire headquarters. I will drone strike it. And by the end of my term as president, we will have built multiple new prisons just to hold all the politicians and bureaucrats I will be prosecuting. That’s my promise.
Joe Johnson. 2016: Make them pay. Make them all pay.

Fun Facts About Mother’s Day

Forget flowers, candy, perfume, cards and brunch. All you REALLY need to make mom happy is to show her how much you know about the specialest, motherest day of the year by sharing these:
______________
Fun Facts About Mother’s Day
1) The Mother’s Day holiday was first conceived by an American woman named Anna Jarvis in 1907, but didn’t become an official holiday until 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson’s mom finally managed to guilt him into it.
2) Mother’s Day is celebrated in 43 countries around the world. The other 153 celebrate the more traditional “Is Dinner Ready Yet Day”
3) Mother’s Day is officially designated the 2nd Sunday in May, rather than on a fixed calendar day, because if you want something fixed, you should call your dad.
4) Mothers secrete large amounts of a hormone called “oxytocin” during childbirth, which is responsible for the feeling of love a mother has for her offspring. It also spikes on those rare occasions when your clothes make it into the hamper instead of landing on a nearby patch of floor.
5) Although different languages have different words for “mother”, all of them start with the letter “M”. Except on Jerry Springer, where they usually start with “B”.
6) Mother’s Day ranks as the third most popular holiday in the world, after Christmas and Easter. It would rank higher were it not for the fact that there’s no such thing as leftover Mother’s Day candy.
7) In many Christian countries, Mother’s Day is associated with the Feast of Virgin Mary, except in America where it’s associated with the Binge of Ben & Jerry’s.
8) In Arab countries, the highlight of Mother’s Day is the “Burka Breakdance Contest.” If you’ve ever done a headspin in sand, you know how hard it is to win this thing.
9) Although mother chimpanzees, like human mothers, enjoy long-lasting relationships with their babies, they don’t celebrate Mother’s Day because their offspring are too busy plotting the Monkey Apocalypse to pick up a phone and call.
10) Maria del Carmen Bousada Lara from Spain gave birth to twin boys when she was 66 years old on December 29th, 2006, making her the world’s oldest birth-mother. On Mother’s Day 2007, she was presented with a solid chocolate rocking chair.
11) The most popular gift-flower on Mother’s Day is the red carnation. If you don’t have red carnations, most mothers will be just as happy with a nice red cabernet.
12) The Nazi government in Germany used to present an award called the Mother’s Cross on Mother’s Day to encourage women to have more children. Allied governments handed out maids & babysitters. Guess which one worked better?
13) In Paraguay, Mother’s Day is celebrated on May 15th, the Independence Day of the country, when many mothers enjoy a special treat of waking up to fireworks in bed.
14) Long ago, people in England honored their mothers with a wild, drunken day of celebration called “Mothering Sunday,” which was followed immediately by “Shhh! Mommy’s Got a Hangover Monday”.
15) The average number of children born to women over a lifetime in the US is 2.03. Coincidentally, the average number of disappointing Mother’s Day gifts a woman receives over a lifetime is… somewhat higher by several orders of magnitude.
16) There are 17,124 florists in the US. On Mother’s Day, all of them will have nothing but black-spotted, wilty, petal-dropping flowers left. Why didn’t you plan ahead, you thoughtless, ungrateful child!
17) On average, 43,000 births each year in the US occur someplace other than a hospital, which can only be blamed on the negative influence of ratings-hungry television dramas.
18) Ancient Egyptians believed that “Bast” was the mother of all cats on Earth, and that cats were sacred animals, possibly explaining why the traditional Egyptian Mother’s Day gift is a dead mouse.
19) Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother. Every year on Mother’s Day, he would give her a pair of scissors and beg her to cut the apron strings.
20) Having 4 official languages, various regions of Switzerland celebrate either Muttertag, La Festa Della Mamma, Fête des Mères, or Gimme Some Damn Chocolate Day.
21) Mother’s Day is the largest card-sending day of the year. It’s also the day postal sorting machines are most likely to become jammed with macaroni and glitter.
22) In Ethiopia, Mother’s Day is celebrated by having mothers anoint themselves with butter. Just my opinion, but if they added flour, sugar, eggs, chocolate chips, and 10 minutes at 350 degrees, it’d be a much better holiday for everyone.
23) According to the most recent census, there are 85.4 million mothers in the United States. Despite all of them fondly recalling exactly when and where their children were born, all of them have, at one time or another, asked their non-door-closing offspring if they were born in a barn.
______________
Ya know, all 85.4 million mothers have also said, “some day you’ll thank me for this.”
And all 85.4 million of them were right.
Thanks, mom.