Fun Facts About the 50 States: Delaware

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we’re taking a trip to Delaware, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Delaware features two male figures labeled “Liberty and Independence”, memorializing a popular comedy team of the day.

* Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, except with fewer spam-loving Vikings.
* At it’s widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means – in THEORY – that the state *could* contain Michael Moore’s ass.
* The world’s largest frying pan was built in Selbyville, Delaware, in 1950 for the DelMarVa Peninsula Annual Chicken Festival. It’s 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.
* Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting “we’re #1!”
* Can’t blame ‘em, I guess. It’s not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don’t read so well sometimes make a fuss over “their” basketball team the “Dover” Nuggets.
* Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that’s chained up in Wilmington.
* The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots, and 6 tiny foam fingers.
* Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.
* Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.
* Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.
* The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.
* Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America’s side at the time, and it would’ve cost us the war if they hadn’t been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.
* The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.
* The official state song of Delaware is “Our Delaware”, recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.
* Wait… I’m thinking of “My Ding-a-Ling”. Nevermind.
* The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.
* The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.
* I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that “Vhee zee cuoorfa hooffa heemun!” meant “Help us! We’re starving!”?
* A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.
* Delaware’s official state colors are “Colonial blue” and “buff”, which is just completely gay.
* The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.
* Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.
* Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America’s Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It’s annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of… Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?
* Sussex County, Delaware, is home to the annual Punkin’ Chunkin’ contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy’s fat head.
* Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating “scrapple”, a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs’ hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you’re given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.
* Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that’s technically considered a “rental”.
* The test for a driver’s license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.
* No one in Delaware has a driver’s license.
* During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.
* Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
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That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be wondering if that’s a leather coat that guy is wearing or if he’s just another senior citizen with a tan as we visit Florida.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don’t have to eat this plate of scrapple.

The true impact of the Obamacare decision

Do Americans – do YOU -- really understand the gravity of what happened in the Supreme Court yesterday? Do you have any idea at all how the power of the Imperial Federal Government of the United States has been exponentially increased?
Answer? NO .. you probably don’t. You really can’t be faulted for that, I guess. After all, our wonderful government school system was designed to educate you, but only to the point that you don’t become a threat to your political rulers. The American people are a product of those schools, and the American people are, by and large, acting in the manner proscribed by those who “educated” them.
I spent the better part of yesterday listening to various pundits and reading blogs and columns about the ObamaCare decision. I think a lot of people are missing something here; missing something very important. The Court’s ruling on ObamaCare grants the Congress of the United States the power to command virtually any action – any action that would not in and of itself constitute a crime – of any individual in this country, and to demand compliance with that command or be penalized. The federal government can now regulate virtually any human activity in which you wish to engage, and to regulate whether or not you will be allowed to refuse to participate in that activity, so long as a penalty is attached to your noncompliance.
Perhaps I’m not making my point here; so let me try some scenarios:
Let’s say that you are not a homeowner, but you are wealthy enough to purchase a home if you wished to. Arguably, under today’s ruling the government could force you to purchase that new home. This the government could do in order to promote job creation in the construction industry, and it would be perfectly constitutional so long as a penalty is assessed for your non-compliance. The government would merely say that you are being taxed for your decision not to buy a new home, and our Supreme Court would uphold the law as a bona fide exercise of the government’s taxing power.
The government wants you to change your profession … move to another state … buy more cotton clothing … purchase an American-made car … own no less than a dozen pair of American-made shoes … limit your stock purchases to only unionized companies … put solar panels on your roof … perhaps even start watching MSNBC for a minimum of one hour every night. All of this the government might well be able to do so long as a penalty is levied for your failure to comply with the government directive. The penalty would, of course, be nothing more than a tax, and the regulatory requirement would merely be the government exercising its taxing power. Well … the watching MSNBC requirement might violate the 8^th Amendment. They’ll just have to work around that one.
Remember when some reporter asked Nancy Pelosi if the individual mandate was constitutional? Her reply? “Are you serious? Are you serious?” Now she can simply say “Taxing authority, bub. Taxing authority.”
This is a sad day indeed for our Constitution. The Supreme Court has ruled that Obama’s insurance mandate is unconstitutional under the Commerce Clause and the Necessary and Proper Clause. It’s perfectly fine, though, since there’s a fine for non-compliance.
Sit back now and try to imagine anything the federal government cannot require of you – just so long as there is a penalty – a tax -- if you say “no."

10 Reasons Why Jimmy Carter Was More Kick-Ass Than President Obama

So when I read that Carter was busting Obama’s chops over using drones to kill terrorists – one of the few things Obama’s done right in office – I wanted to bash Mr. Peanut right in the monocle.
But then I thought about it & decided to let it slide because I realized that – big picture – Carter was actually a better President than Obama:
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Jimmy Carter told us to turn the thermostat down. Obama told us to spread the wealth around.

1) Jimmy Carter lusted after women in his heart. The women Obama lusted after were composites.
2) Jimmy Carter successfully fought off a rabbit, which is several rungs up the evolutionary ladder from any fly Obama managed to beat up.
3) Jimmy Carter’s ineptitude brought us the greatest President of the 20th century, Ronald Reagan. From Obama’s ineptitude, we MIGHT get the greatest President of the 21st century who was named after a piece of baseball equipment.
4) Jimmy Carter let the Shah of Iran into the US for medical treatment, because the Shah was, so to speak, “our bastard“. Obama wants you to pay for Sandra Fluke’s contraception so that she doesn’t have any bastards.
5) Jimmy Carter grew peanuts on a farm. Obama grew mortgages underwater.
6) Jimmy Carter gave all the land around the Panama Canal to the people of Panama. Obama gave all the land north of the Rio Grande to the people of Mexico.
7) Jimmy Carter gave the Russians the horrifying threat of nuclear armageddon. Obama gave the Russians a misspelled red plastic novelty button.
8) As a boy, Jimmy Carter loved his dog, Bozo. As a boy, Obama loved his dog al dente.
9) Jimmy Carter had a brother, who successfully launched his own brand of beer. Obama had a beer summit. Oh, brother.
10) Jimmy Carter asked the Secret Service to keep his brother away. Obama asked the Secret Service to keep away from brothels.
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And, of course, the Navy honored Jimmy Carter by naming a submarine after him. Obama honored the Navy by stealing credit after the SEALs got bin Laden.

10 Things Besides the Health Care Law We Should Name After Obama

SCOTUS ruled that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is constitutional. It’s a terrible law, and everyone, including the President, calls it “Obamacare.”
So… what else should be named after him?
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“Unexplained thrills? Maybe it’s Obama Leg Syndrome”

1) The next dinosaur to be discovered in a communist country.
2) That one part of the toilet that never seems to work right and is a huge, messy pain in the ass to fix? I call it the “Obama valve”
3) Any sewage treatment plant that received stimulus funds.
4) Remember how they powered Thunderdome? That fuel should be called “Obamanol”.
5) That little piece of wood the Speaker of the House whacks his gavel on.
6) The next ship taken out of mothballs to be used as a target during wargames. [High Praise! to Ogrrre]
7) When the House re-introduces and re-passes the “Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act“, just call it the “Obamacare Sucks Act” this time.
8) Any spot on your back that really itches that you just can’t reach that eventually turns into a malignant melanoma.
9) A generic term that encompasses both the liquid and solid contents of a litter box.
10) The act of walking barefoot to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning on the light and stepping on a stray Lego piece.
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Regardless of what gets named after Obama in the future, rest assured that from now own, every time I say his name, it will be with that distinctive Samuel-L-Jacksonian tone and emphasis that would make a call-screener scramble desperately for the bleep-button out of sheer reflex, subconsciously convinced that I’d just uttered a particularly foul obscenity on the air.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Connecticut

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to do a little digging into where all those Yankees in King Arthur’s Court keep coming from as we visit Connecticut, so let’s get started…
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The Latin motto means “He who transplanted sustains us”. Officially, it refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn’t explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.

* Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.
* The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents go to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.
* Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.
* Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning “yuppie scum”.
* Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.
* Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay “protection money” to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.
* The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.
* The fuchsia & chartreuse uniforms WERE tempting, though.
* The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis – an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.
* Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn’t decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.
* Connecticut is called the “nutmeg” state” because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the “designated driver family”.
* The state motto of Connecticut is “As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste.”
* In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.
* George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.
* Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of snooty, upper-class arrogance.
* Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would’ve joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.
* Despite the state’s small size, it DOES have a state college – the University of Connecticut or UCONN – which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.
* The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and a Latin motto meaning “He who transplanted sustains us”. Officially, it refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn’t explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.
* The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.
* Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg’s “Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle”.
* The world’s first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.
* The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.
* The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America’s oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn’t funny.
* Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that “Thomas Paine lied, people died” line?
* The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934. Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.
* The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there “any day now”.
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That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll discover that crossing the river wearing a tri-cornered hat actually had nothing to do with the state as we look at Delaware.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom of religion.

10 Possible Uses of Executive Privilege

President Obama is now claiming he doesn’t have to turn over Fast & Furious-related documents to Congress, citing “executive privilege” – sort of a presidential “get out of jail free” card that lets him do anything he wants.
I guess protecting your porch-snoozing watchdog of an Attorney General from the lengthy jail sentence he so richly deserves is a good reason to use it.
But why stop there?
Here’s some other situations he might be able to escape using Executive Privilege
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“Got any jacks? – EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!”

1) When accused of providing unaccountable odoriffic elevator flatus
2) Missed a 2-inch putt (previously known as a “Mulligan”)
3) Michelle’s tofu stew? Pfft! Off to Ray’s HellBurger for the Triple Bacon Executive Privilege special.
4) Reporter asks anything besides “After inheriting Bush’s economic mess and turning it into 7 million new jobs, how can you possibly get more awesome?”
5) Can’t figure out how to operate the self-serve touchpad at Wawa’s.
6) Burly Chinese guy with a crooked nose and forearms like hamhocks at the door saying “Mr. Hu requests his money.”
7) Michelle asks “does this dress make me look fat?” and you already shouted “YES!” because you weren’t listening and the Heat just won Game 2.
8) Damn bitter clingers find out you called them bitter clingers.
9) Morning after the bachelor party, and you can’t for the life of you remember where in Vegas you left the groom.
10) Unemployment still not below the 8% you promised your stimulus would never let it rise above.
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Oh, and 57 states, Cominskey Field, Intercontinental Railroad, digging your way out this hole, like the Special Olympics, and corspe-men.

Surprise! Obama Obviously Didn’t Think This Through

Executive Orders that President Romney can and should write.

10. Eradicate all restrictions on oil drilling on federal lands - order the Department of the Interior to cease enforcement activity preventing oil and gas exploration and drilling on federal lands.

9. Restrict distribution of food stamps to only the bottom 3 percent of U.S. citizens ranked by income - order the Agriculture Department to reduce distribution of food stamps to only legal citizens whose tax returns indicate that they are in the bottom 3 percent of wage-earners in the country.

8. Strip all minimum fuel efficiency standards for automakers - order the Department of Transportation to cease enforcement of all CAFE standards.

7. Kill the Estate Tax - order the IRS to cease enforcement of penalties related to non-payment of Estate Taxes.

6. Not enforce 'Financial Reform' - instruct the Treasury Department and other regulators to cease all fines, levies, and regulations related to the controversial Dodd-Frank legislation.

5. Strip federal payments to teachers' unions - order the Department of Education to cease any activities that provide funds that could help pay teachers' salaries and, thus, union dues.

4. Eradicate the Capital Gains Tax - order the IRS not to prosecute anyone who fails to pay Capital Gains taxes.

3. Render the EPA toothless - order the EPA to cease all enforcement activities.

2. Implement a Flat Tax - order the IRS not to prosecute anyone who fails to pay more than an 18 percent tax rate.

1. Eradicate Obamacare - order HHS to cease implementation of all facets of the unpopular law.

See, libs -- ain't this newly created Executive Branch power awesome?

15 FUN FACTS ABOUT FATHER'S DAY

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.
Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
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Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.
2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.
3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?
4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”
5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.
6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.
7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.
8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.
9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.
10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”
11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.
12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”
13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.
14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.
15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to shakes the snakes out of your hiking boots as we traipse the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let’s get started…
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Colorado’s flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.

* Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of “Most Rectangular State”.
* Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say “Coors”, they don’t grimace.
* The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
* The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
* Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
* Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don’t believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
* Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
* Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in the next year or so.
* The state motto of Colorado is “Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?”
* The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
* Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city’s name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
* Denver is home to the world’s largest rodeo. While it’s in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
* This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
* There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were canceled due to sudden snowstorms.
* Zebulon Pike, of Pike’s Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation’s attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike Kim Kardashian constantly reminding us that she’s really, really famous for… something.
* Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
* The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the “Pinto Bean Capital of the World”. Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the “Air Freshener Capital of the World”.
* Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
* Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America’s Centennial.
* Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
* The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
* The Square Dance was named Colorado’s state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Achy-Breaky and the Dougie
* Colorado’s state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.
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That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be getting punched in the face by the natives for pronouncing the second “c” in Connecticut.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver… mmmm… cheeseburgers…

Affirmative Action stupidity: White teen gives back scholarship intended for Black students

There is so much wrong with this story that I don't know where to start.
Jeffrey Warren is about to graduate from Martin Luther King High School in Riverside, CA. He applied for a scholarship offered by the Martin Luther King Senior Citizens Club.
He won.
Then he found out the scholarship was intended solely for Black students.
Jeffrey is white.
He gave the scholarship back.
Apparently the application said only that African-Americans were encouraged to apply. But a cover letter, which Jeffrey did not see, explicity specified it was for Black students.
Go ahead, tell me that's not racism.
Because can you imagine the uproar if a Black kid won a scholarship and then found out that only red-headed Armenians were eligible?
Would he give it back? Would Al Sharpton let him give it back?
So get this. Next year the scholarship committee is going to change the application form. To make it more clear that only Blacks need apply. So kids like Jeffrey won't waste their time trying to achieve something on the antiquated notion of merit.
Yeah, the last thing we want is to have the children who attend Martin Luther King High School being judged on the content of their character rather than on the color of their skin.

15 fun facts about flag day

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies and people who use Google as their home page – nice no-doodle, commies!), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.
Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
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Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.
2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]
3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”
4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01″ door decals.
5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.
6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.
7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.
8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.
9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.
10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.
12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.
13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippy.
14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.
15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION: Obama has signed 923 Executive Orders in 40 months!

What did Congress do in those 40 months?

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 10990 allows the government to take over all modes of transportation and control of highways and seaports.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 10995 allows the government to seize and control the communication media.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 10997 allows the government to take over all electrical power, gas, petroleum, fuels and minerals.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 10998 allows the government to take over all food resources and farms.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11000 allows the government to mobilize civilians into work brigades under government supervision.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11001 allows the government to take over all health, education and welfare functions.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11002 designates theof all persons. Postmaster General to operate a national registration

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11003 allows the government to take over all airports and aircraft, including commercial aircraft.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11004 allows the Housing and Finance Authority to relocate communities, build new housing with public funds, designate areas to be abandoned, and establish new locations for populations.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11005 allows the government to take over railroads, inland waterways and public storage facilities.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11049 assigns emergency preparedness function to federal departments and agencies, consolidating 21 operative Executive Orders issued over a fifteen year period.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11051 specifies the responsibility of the Office of Emergency Planning and gives authorization to put all Executive Orders into effect in times of increased international tensions and economic or financial crisis.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11310 grants authority to the Department of Justice to enforce the plans set out in Executive Orders, to institute industrial support, to establish judicial and legislative liaison, to control all aliens, to operate penal and correctional institutions, and to advise and assist the President.

-EXECUTIVE ORDER 11921 allows the Federal Emergency Preparedness Agency to develop plans to establish control over the mechanisms of production and distribution, of energy sources, wages, salaries, credit and the flow of money in U.S. financial institution in any undefined national emergency. It also provides that when a state of emergency is declared by the President, Congress cannot review the action for six months.

Feel free to verify the “executive orders” at will… and these are just the major ones…

I’m sure you’ve all heard the tale of the “Frog in the Pot”… you all comfortable???

Watch Obama’s actions, not his words! By his actions he will show you where America is headed.

When it comes to Barack Obama, one of the most important things to understand is that he is a committed globalist. He firmly believes that more “global governance” (the elite don’t like to use the term “global government”) will make the world a much better place. Throughout his time in the White House, Obama has consistently sought to strengthen international institutions such as the UN, the IMF, the World Bank and the WTO. At every turn, Obama has endeavored to more fully integrate America into the “global community”. Since he was elected, Obama has signed a whole host of new international economic agreements. He regularly speaks of the need for “cooperation” among global religions and he has hosted a wide variety of different religious celebrations at the White House. Obama once stated that “all nations must come together to build a stronger global regime”. If you do not want to live in a “global regime” that is just too bad. To globalists such as Obama, it is inevitable that the United States of America will be merged into the emerging global system. Just this week, Obama has issued a new executive order that seeks to “harmonize” U.S. economic regulations with the rest of the world. This new executive order is yet another incremental step that is pushing us closer to a North American Union and a one world economic system. Unfortunately, most Americans have absolutely no idea what is happening.

THE PRIVATE SECTOR IS DOING JUST FINE

Now isn’t that an stupifyingly ignorant statement for anyone with an ounce of sense to make in our current economy? Let alone the current occupier of the White House. Maybe I should reserve the use of my “occutard” label for Obama.

The private sector is doing just fine? Really? The next time you go out and try to find a job – other than a government job – and the business owner tells you that he’s just not hiring right now, ask him why? After all, the private sector is doing just fine! Obama says so! And if your boss comes to you this week and – let’s hope this doesn’t happen – tells you that he is going to have to lay you off because business hasn’t picked up enough, you just go chin-to-chin with that liar and tell him that the private sector is doing just fine … Obama said so … and Obama is “sort of a God,” and God wouldn’t lie to us. You know where the lie is? It’s those pesky jobs numbers – the government’s monthly estimates of new jobs created – that just has to be a lie. We need around 140,000 or so new jobs every month just to keep up with our population increases. Right now new job creation is at about half that .. .and has been for a good little while. Our government reports that 69,000 jobs were created in May. In July, when the June numbers are revealed, we’ll learn that the 69,000 figure has been revised downward. That’s the ObamaEconomy.
OK … let’s put this thing into perspective. Within four hours of his “private sector is doing just fine” gaffe, Obama was before the TV cameras shoving that statement (some use the phrase “walking back”) right up into the orifice from which it came. The trouble is, he wasn’t shoving that statement back because he realized, on his own, that he had made a mistake. He was re-inserting his “the private sector is doing just fine” bit of male bovine defecation because some advisor told him he really needed to. Just look at the rest of Obama’s statement later Friday afternoon to discover that, even after the firestorm, he didn’t really understand what people were upset about. Obama, you see, told us on Friday that the REAL problem with our economy was that GOVERNMENT, not the private sector, just wasn’t growing enough.
I’ve been telling you for four years now that this is a man who believes that America is great not because of freedom; not because of a system of economic liberty under the rule of law. Noooooo. This footstool believes that America is great because of GOVERNMENT. After I talked myself pretty much blue in the face on this issue, Obama came along a few weeks ago and completely backed me up. He told us that America was great because of “government spending.” In fact, I believe the phraseology he used was “the government spending that made America great.” Then, in the weeks that followed, Obama made it a continuing practice to select great examples of American entrepreneurship and then try to tell the people that these examples would never have happened if it were not for government spending.
This ridiculous man is so in love with government that if he decided to offer his sperm in exchange for campaign donations those folks at the clinic would send him into that comfy little room with a specimen cup and a copy of the Federal Register. Playboy just wouldn’t work for him.
The truth of the matter is that the private sector will be doing just fine on the morning after the election if we wake up to find that Barry Barack Hussein Kardashian Clooney Soetero Obama has been defeated and will soon be packing his packing his crap into a YouseHaul and heading back to Chicago.

DEAR AMERICA: EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED IN KINDERTEN IS WRONG!!!!

Recently, it has become obvious that there are serious structural problems in our financial system. Of course, the cause of this mess is a string of congressional dictates to mortgage lenders ordering them to give loans to dangerously underqualified people. Apparently, requiring your applicants to meet basic requirements like having a job and a credit history is racist and the whole system is racist and you're a racist .

Anyway, what really is pissing me off is that the preening progtards that caused this mess like Obama and Dodd and Barney   Frank are getting away with telling us that the big banks "ripped off the American people." Now, he's a politician and his job is to lie to you but I'm just a ranting internet 'personality' so I'm going to level with you.

This mess is your fault.

I'm not saying that every voter in America is directly responsible but by the election choices we've made and the financial choices a large number of us have made, we've gotten ourselves into this mess. Deep down, you know it the Democrats are feeding you a line of bullshit. You know that "the man" isn't the reason these banks are in trouble. You know that the financial institutions didn't 'rip off the American people.' In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The American people voted for socialist weasels who forced them to give money to borrowers that didn't deserve it. The American people ripped off the large banks.

This brings me to the real reason I'm pissed off. Obama is going to get away with it. Obama and his ultra-liberal allies (who fucking caused this) are going to be allowed to lie to your faces about what happened here because 40 years of hippie bullshit has finally corrupted the smart part of your brains. The part of you that accepts responsibility for your own stupidity has been overwhelmed by decades of mottos and sayings and beliefs so fucking stupid that only intellectuals and people with bong resin for blood could believe them. Well, until they were repeated so many times that even the average American believes them without thinking about it.

Hippies

I'm going to go through some of the stupidest sayings we've all heard a thousand times and explain why they're fricken stupid. Then I'm going to yell at you a bit more about how we all need to accept responsibility for our selfish, stupidity and stop blaming people more successful than us for our failings. Sorry, everybody, you aren't the smartest or the fastest or the most talented and, for that reason, you don't deserve the success your betters enjoy. I know it isn't fair. Life isn't.

Money Isn't Everything

Of course it is. If you don't believe it is, you're functionally retarded. Now look, I agree, small squares of green paper with dead people printed on them aren't everything. The number in your bank account isn't everything. Being able to buy a solid-gold house or a rocket car isn't everything. But the economy is everything.

Yes, everything.

Economics is the study of how people use a limited number of resources to fulfill an unlimited demand for them. The best way humanity has ever found to disperse these items in a relatively fair way is to use money. Money is a placeholder that allows you to specialize in juggling and exchange that juggling for food. Were there no money it would be difficult to walk into a grocery store and attempt to trade your ball-handling for a sandwich. I'd call the cops.

What money represents is everything. It isn't just a way to buy things, it represents the only thing of any value in the world: your time. Every minute you work for a paycheck is represented by that number in your bank account. The very essence of your existence is stuffed haphazardly in your wallet. This is why hippie arguments that you shouldn't be so fucking upset about raising taxes because "its only money" are so retarded. It isn't only money. It is your life.

When asked if I would shoot a man who was trying to steal my TV, I say yes because that TV isn't just a thing. It is time. It is a portion of my life I can never get back and the piece of shit stealing it is so useless as a human being that he can't convert his own time into a TV without stealing mine. I say the world is better off without him. And it is better off without this ridiculous belief that money isn't important. It is crucial. It is the only thing, just like winning. Which brings me to...

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game.

Screw that Hippei Bullcrap.

I'm not saying that winning is everything in trivial pursuits like sports or rock-paper-scissors competitions but let's not get crazy and say that winning doesn't matter. Winning is obviously critical to the very nature of human interaction and life and everything else. Winning is   42. 

Look, at some point children (and slowly developing adults) need to learn that the world isn't on your team. Karma isn't your buddy and luck isn't going to give you a reach around no matter how many times you have that slut at the casino "blow" on your "dice." The only way to succeed in life is to charge headlong into the delight that is human competition and eke out your share of the pie. Without any doubt, there is plenty to go around but if you go through life thinking you deserve something, you're going to end up a loser or bringing all of humanity down with you like these retards buying 300,000 dollar houses when they work at McDonald's.

I know competition is hard and it is depressing when you lose but...

Do What Makes You Happy

Does anyone seriously think this is a way to go through life? Are the concepts of duty and honor and sacrifice so completely dead in this country that anybody can envision a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of his own happiness? While it is clear from the recent market disruptions that the vast majority of people do not understand the consequences their actions have on others, it is even more disturbing that the few that do understand seem completely dedicated to denying it or at least dodging responsibility for it.

Of course, the hippies always were most dedicated to avoiding responsibility. They didn't want to fight for a country that gave them everything so they dodged the draft. They didn't want to study important skills society needed so they invented women's studies and sociology (for more on my desperate hatred of sociology, look at Moron Pundit.) They didn't want to deal with a reality that wasn't perfect so they spent most of their time swimming in a cloud of 'mind-expanding' chemicals. They didn't want to deal with the responsibility and challenge of relationships and family so they preached free love. In every conceivable way, the hippies were as useless as a human being can become.

And yet, prevailing conventional wisdom somehow contends that a music festival like Woodstock was socially important. Fucking ridiculous. Woodstock was one of the most amazing displays of hubris, laziness and selfish waste in history and those pieces of shit have the audacity to call Wall Street bankers selfish? Do you think the traders that killed themselves on Black Tuesday did it because they lost their own money? Only someone with no understanding of honor and duty could believe that. They jumped because they couldn't face the shame and horror of telling thousands of people that they didn't have their money.

And make no mistake, as much as I understand that the CEO's of AIG and Lehmans are rich beyond my wildest dreams, they do understand duty and responsibility. It is that understanding that makes the leader of a company like AIG go to the government and beg them to take a controlling interest in what is, by all measures, the sum total of his life out of his hands.

Of course, the people that took the loans that spurred this disaster along with the (perhaps) well-meaning politicians that forced the banks to create this environment simply don't understand how the world works. How goods and services exchange hands. How the entirety of reality actually works. If they did, they certainly wouldn't think that a poor person with a bad credit history should EVER EVER EVER get a home loan. An honest, responsible person confronted with the ability to take a loan in that circumstance would also want the bank to reject them. But for some reason, these people seem to have no knowledge of the consequences of failure to repay not only to themselves but to everyone around them. Each of these people, and to a large extent most people in the country, seem to operate as if they live in a vacuum. They make choices following this holiest of the hippie doctrines: make yourself happy. Do what you want to do. Who cares if the person that built your house doesn't get paid or the man who wants to get a loan next year can't because the mortgage company is in bankruptcy. Not you. You got your free house and fuck everyone else. Well, fuck you and fuck your stupid idiology. I'm not sure who's more useless, the person preaching this bullshit or the person that manages to believe it.

Unfortunately, we'll never have a politician that tells you how fucking selfish you are because they want you to like them. Too bad that most Americans have lost what seems to be the most important grown-up skill of all, being able to accept when they don't deserve something they want.

Free Love

I touched on this above but it deserves a little extra wrath of its own. Many debates in this country rage because of many people's retarded belief that love is what really matters in civilization. Love is great, don't get me wrong and it is clearly a driving factor in the progress of the human species but it is only useful when coupled with dedication and commitment. Debates about gay marriage, abortion and welfare are all based on a belief that the one thing we mustn't do is interfere with people's ability to love who they want how they want. Unfortunately, society is not helped in any way by love but instead the bonds of family created when love is stable and permanent.

While I don't particularly care if gays are allowed to get married or not, I know that they have consistently made a very stupid argument in its favor; namely that if two people love each other it should be allowed. I ask again, what the fuck does the government care about your love? It doesn't. It cares about a stable environment to raise healthy, productive children who in turn can create healthy, productive families of their own. Again, gay couples probably meet this criteria but they should make that argument, not the former.

This leads to the rampant use of abortion as birth control for people too in love to consider the consequences of their actions. No wonder I often consider "in love" synonomous with "asshatted." As I've lived my life, I've grown more and more sure that marriage before sex IS probably the best (if perhaps not very realistic) way to do things. Instead, people fuck who they want, get pregnant a dozen times and treat abortions like tossing a condom wrapper. I'd be far more inclined to support the 'right to choose' if the choice were made through necessity, not laziness and a desire to avoid responsibility.

Don't even get me started on the results of Johnson's destruction of the poor community by tearing apart families and making them look to their government rather than their community and family for support in times of distress. I hope he's getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.

OMG! THE MAN IS BRINGING US DOWN/ CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL/RICH PEOPLE ARE RICH BECAUSE OTHERS ARE POOR/ETC/ETC

Only someone completely separated from the world of work and jobs and society could possibly believe this. I was forced as a requirement to take a class in Voodoo (sociology) and I recall my barely qualified instructor preaching that Vice Presidents were overpaid and that she could do their job but they surely couldn't do hers. They were just rich white men making sure their underlings stayed at each other's throats so they didn't notice how stupid and lazy they are.

If you believe this, you are mentally retarded. The fact of the matter is, by and large, CEO's and VP's and other executives make so much money because they are worth it. Not only could the average VP of anything come down and teach Voodoo better than this bitch but the first week she was trying to do the "easy" job of being a VP she'd have a nervous breakdown.

The fact of the matter is, people at the top of large organizations like corporations care more about the average American and do more for society than a thousand community organizers or social workers. The people that invest or work for these corporations are constantly on the minds of most executives and they strive constantly to do the best they can for all involved. Are there exceptions? Yes, and you hear about them at length every time they get caught but notice that there are thousands of corporations with many thousands of executives and the corporation-hating media and Democratic party can only find perhaps a dozen such people per year.

Everybody Is Equal

This is so laughable as to make me wonder if people are actually intelligent creatures. When the Declaration of Independence was originally written by Adams (the greatest American that ever lived, in my opinion) it said "All men are created equally free and independent" not "all men are created equal." Adams would surely have laughed at the latter thought. While we are and of a right should be equal in the eyes of god and law, there is absolutely no way anyone intelligent can contend that we are all equal. We each have differing levels of talent and intelligence and physical prowess and for these reasons should be expected to serve very different roles in society. Subsequently, we should expect to be rewarded very differently based on the value of our abilities.

Sorry, dumb, talentless people. You aren't as valuable to society as talented geniuses. Not only is this true but it is just. Society MUST reward those that benefit society the most and value them above other people. It doesn't mean you have to obey them, but they do deserve a nicer house than you.

A little analogy: Many of you believe it is just to take wealth from those with great reserves and give it to others with less. You believe they have more than they 'deserve' even though it is clear that they (in most cases) earned it and those with less can't seem to figure out how. It doesn't matter, they have too much and others need it.

Well, what if we take the example of someone who is very good with the ladies? Should I, as a less successful person have the right to sleep with his girlfriend because he has too much and I don't have enough? What about a talented writer? Should we all get our name on the cover with equal prominence because he is just hogging up all the writing talent and others deserve some.

Of course, none of this makes any sense because we didn't write the book. And we aren't charming and attractive. And we don't deserve to have lots of money because we haven't found a way to be useful to society in a comparable way.

I know it isn't fair. We've been over this.

Violence Doesn't Solve Anything

Yes. It does. In fact, I can think of no surer way to resolve any conflict than violence. It is hard to me to even imagine a problem I have that couldn't be solved by violence. That guy hitting on your girlfriend? Kill him. Not anymore. Somebody double park you in? Break into the car and roll it into the highway. See? Problem solved.

What? These actions cause more problems than they solved? Well, that's not what you said. You said violence doesn't solve anything. A more accurate statement is "Violence is so blunt and traumatic that, while it could be used to solve any problem, it should be used sparingly and with great care." I know that doesn't really fit on a bumper sticker but nothing intelligent does. I mean, placing "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms" on your car bumper is like advertising your extra chromosome.

Anyway, I'm so tired of this "everything you need to know, you learned in kindergarten", "are you smarter than a 5th grader*" bullshit philosophy that everything in the world can be summed up in simple, broad platitudes. For people that are constantly preaching that everything is gray areas, they sure are locked into a belief structure as simple as Forrest Gump's fashion sense.

Mean Poeple Suck

Sometimes I'm pretty sure this means "honest people suck" or "people smarter than me suck." Only in the modern PC world could denying a poor person a loan be considered "mean" or even illegal.

While being rejected for a loan may seem mean, you have to learn that sometimes the correct thing for another person or organization to do is to be mean to you. I once, in my stupider younger years attempted to get a loan without any collateral to which the loan officer responded with great sarcasm and condescension. I was outraged at the time but over the years that disdain has served me well because I didn't deserve a loan. What I was asking was essentially an insult to him and his institution. To think that they should just give me money and expect to be treated as an adult was ridiculous considering I'd walked in a proved I wasn't one.

In the end, people who whine about mean people suck. Put that on your bumper.



* I am smarter than a fifth grader. Way smarter. Only in modern America could a child knowing that a furlong is 660 feet be confused with superior intelligence. For example, I know how to drive a car which, last I checked, is far more valuable knowledge than the intricacies of the English measurement system. The idea for the show is cute but the title returns to that most annoying of trends in which people delight in explaining how things aren't like they obviously are. Oh no, running is actually bad for you! SURPRISE! You'd think that a decrease in violence in Iraq was due to.. um... less violence but a study conducted THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY about something completely unrelated like light patterns in Baghdad PROVE that is isn't! Think 9/11 was done by terrorists? THINK AGAIN SIMPLETON! Chimpy Retardiburton McBushitler orchestrated the most ingenious, diabolical attack on America without leaving behind ANY EVIDENCE! Oh my fucking god! Throw aside your preconceptions! We're in a zany, wacky world where anything is possible and the only people that toe the company line are brainless dinosaurs who hate black people and yearn for a return to the days of wife-beating and TB wards.

I don't rant this long often and if you got this far and feel I owe you an apology....TUFF! Get off your butt and VOTE !!!

The Government Exists To Protect Our Rights

Hopefully you are all familiar with the founding documents of this nation: the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and particularly today the Declaration of Independence. When I was in college, I was mortified when in literature class, the students were required to read the Declaration and most of them expressed surprise about what was actually in it. So I am not sure I can expect you to know that it says the following:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

To break it down a little bit, we start with the idea that these are self-evident truths. Of course when they said it the overwhelming majority of the world’s governments did not recognize these “truths” and even today I am not sure a majority of the world’s population lives under a government that respects those truths. I think the best way to understand those words, then, is that to all good people, these were self-evident truths. There will always be tyrants, great and petty, and their Brownshirts, who do not believe that these are self-evident truths, but there is a point where you just say, “you know what? If you can’t even agree on this, then it is not a reflection on the truth of the sentiment, so much as a reflection on your character.” If these truths are not self-evident to you, it’s an indictment on you.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ALABAMA

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week: first in our hearts, first in the alphabet, dead last in shoes per capita, we’re headed down south to Alabama, so let’s get started…
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The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field, which symbolizes the state’s high illiteracy rate.

* Alabama is a medium-sized state in the Southern US. It’s very similar to its neighboring state, Florida, except it doesn’t have as many old people or alligators.
* The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: “Alabama – where every day is like Mardi Gras!”
* The state motto has since been changed to “Alabama – the sorta shaped like a beer gut state”.
* Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn’t be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.
* The world’s first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.
* Perhaps NOW you understand NASA’s fear.
* Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.
* To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America’s first pitchfork tax in 1937.
* The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.
* Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.
* Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname “Birthplace of Bad Ideas”.
* The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.
* Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn’t count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn’t seem to have as much of a problem with it.
* Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning “can’t count past 20 even with his shoes off.”
* Alabama’s state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it’s state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.
* Serves ‘em right for building it out of sticks.
* Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for “Batting While Black”.
* The state song of Alabama is “Alabama”. I’d sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.
* Well, except “gamma”, but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn’t really work.
* The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton’s hair-do.
* The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word “gamma” in a song.
* Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.
* In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I’m not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists “being an Alabama native” as a “handicap” rather than a “disability”.
* Hitler’s typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer, Alabama. It’s unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
* The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning “Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!”
* Alabama’s official state mineral is automotive rust.
* Alabama’s state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or – as natives refer to it – “that pretty little bug what’s flappin’ around over there.”
* Alabama’s state bird is the pecan pie.
* Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler’s typewriter. I’m not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.
* In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command “Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”. Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply – “Holy crap! They’re coming right for us! RUN!”
* Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama’s beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the “Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks” Festival.
* The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn’t allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.
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That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be hitting the frozen tundra – and a few baby seals – as we take a look at Alaska.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama’s state song:
I live in Alabama… I really hate my mamma… I hit her with a hamma… and they threw me in the slamma…
Hmmm… not bad.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ALASKA

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’ll discover the incomparable, if slightly disturbing, joys of dog-whipping as we mush our sled north to Alaska, so let’s get started…
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The design for Alaska’s state flag was loosely based on something Bugs Bunny saw after getting whacked on the head by a cartoon mallet.

* Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton’s marriage.
* Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
* 90% of Alaska’s oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
* There are no cars in Alaska because it’s too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
* The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
* Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for “cold”, all of which start with “Damn!”
* Like that line? I stole it from a Mexican while he was sneaking across the border.
* Alaska’s original state motto was “Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?”
* Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims – much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
* The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
* Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
* Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep.
* It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
* During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
* Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
* The fishing industry is Alaska’s largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
* All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it was safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
* Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
* If I remember correctly, Alaska’s state flower is the forget-me-not.
* I’ll let you think about that one for a minute.
* The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn’t be confused with puppy blending – the official state sport of Tennessee.
* The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
* Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn’t have a word to describe the temperature.
* The current official state motto of Alaska is “North to the future”. The unofficial state motto is “South to somewhere warm.”
* Contrary to popular myth, there are no penguins in Alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
* Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
* Alaska’s name is based on the Eskimo word “Alakshak”, which means “Damn!”
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That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be elbowing leathery-skinned retirees out of our way at the mall as we take in the sights of Arizona.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression…

FUN FACTS ABOUT ARIZONA

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
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The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.

* Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.
* Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.
* The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
* The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950′s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
* What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
* The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
* Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.
* Yeah, me too.
* Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
* Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
* Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”
* Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
* There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
* Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.
* The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.
* One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
* Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
* The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. It’s numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
* When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
* The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.
* The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
* The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
* The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
* The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.
* The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!
* Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
* Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.
* The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
* Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
* Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
* Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
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That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ARKANSAS

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going to where “rustic charm” is just a real-estate-euphemism for “front-yard washing machine” as we head on down to Arkansas, so let’s get started…
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The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.

* Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.
* The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it’s not as hard to spell.
* The state motto of Arkansas is “book learnin’s fer sissies!”.
* Little Rock, Arkansas, is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Just look for the building that’s shaped like a damp cigar.
* There’s also a Hillary Clinton Library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.
* Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Gennifer.
* Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we’ve been stuck with it ever since.
* America’s winningest college football coach, Paul “Bear” Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.
* The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as “Degataga” which means “OW! OW! OW!”
* General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.
* The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.
* Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state’s name as ar-KAN-sas.
* Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.
* Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.
* The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.
* Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we… MFFMMRGRM!!!” – NOW we’re there ya little brat!
* Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.
* Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.
* Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.
* Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.
* People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.
* If someone from Arkansas says “hi” to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.
* Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.
* If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don’t shoot it with bullets, because you’ll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.
* Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.
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That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be slowly realizing that the idea of turning Los Angeles into a walled-off deportation center for degenerates shouldn’t have stalled out with a movie starring Kurt Russell as we take a look at California.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to go surfin’ with your plastic surgeon, because we’re headed to the shores of sunny California, so let’s get started…
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If you rearrange the letters on the California state flag, you can find out what the bear just ate: A Four Liberal Picnic

* California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
* The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it’s less cowardly and annoying.
* California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means “City of Beating up Rodney King”
* California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
* California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
* The state motto of California is “Eureka!”, a Greek word meaning “Dude!”
* More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
* The Hollywood Bowl is the world’s largest outdoor amphitheater. Just to clarify a common misconception, no special shoes are required. You’re thinking of the Hollywood Bowl-o-Rama.
* Californians can be easily identified by their deep golden tans and fake green cards.
* California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that’s the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
* The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that’s the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, “THIS SUCKS!”
* The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
* MMMM… braaaaaaainsssss…
* California was the first state to legalize the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
* Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns – however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
* You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
* San Francisco has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
* Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spent most of his time chasing Hmong off his lawn with a shotgun.
* Many people hope that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word “Calee-forn-ee-uh”.
* Lucky for us there was no such restriction for “nu-cu-lar”.
* California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render terrorists unconscious.
* Even though it’s only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
* Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California’s special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of “I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!”
* California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get the average American drunk 34 million times… assuming the average American is the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drinks wine, that is.
* Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
* California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it’s independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
* California is famous for it’s many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
* In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
* The first person to receive a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
* Pauley Shore is still waiting.
* Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to “Bedtime for Bonzo”.
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That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be breaking our teeth on mountains, sadly discovering that “Rocky” is NOT short for “Rock Candy” when we visit Colorado.

Obama’s Rather Impressive List Of “Accomplishments”

First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

First President to violate the War Powers Act.

First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

First President to defy a Federal Judge’s court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.

First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party, a violation of the U.S. Constitution.

First President to spend a trillion dollars on ‘shovel-ready’ jobs when there was no such thing as ‘shovel-ready’ jobs.

First President to recommend changing our National Anthem as it portrays and promotes violence and is warlike in its theme.

First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer Breakfast and activities.

First President to initiate a Cash for Clunkers Program to clean up exhaust that adds to global warming, then extended it because it was so popular — wasting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars.

First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

First President to bypass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

First President to demand a company hand over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.

First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

First President to tell a major manufacturing company which state they are allowed to locate a factory in.

First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

First President to fire an inspector general of Americorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date.

First President to pledge complete transparency while campaigning, then hide his medical, educational,and travel records.

First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

First President to go on multiple global ‘apology tours’.

First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.

First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

First President to repeat the Holy Qur’an and tells us that the early morning Islamic call to worship is the most beautiful sound on earth.

Now it is up to us Freedom-loving Americans to see to it that he is voted out after his FIRST term. May God bless America again. Stay safe, and be aware of your surroundings.

IS OBAMA A SOCIALIST???

I saw an article a few days ago discussing whether or not Barack Obama is a socialist. The reporter interviewed several leaders and members of various socialist movements to ask them if they considered Obama one of their own. The did not. So there. This means that those people calling Obama a socialist are just haters who have no clue what they’re talking about.
Well .. the reporter is right. Strictly speaking, Obama is not a socialist. He’s also most definitely not a capitalist. So that leaves the question … just what in the hell IS he?
Well … you’re gonna learn right now.
No economic system is pure; neither socialism nor capitalism .. nor the system that Obama truly embraces … fascism. In a pure sense … here is how you would define the three basic economic systems. To simplify these definitions – even to the point that government educated American Idol and Entertainment Tonight fans can understand – we will establish one common term to be used in all three definitions … “the means of production.” By “the means of production” we’re talking about the mechanism by which wealth is created; the mechanism by which products and services are manufactured or created and then presented to the people for consumption. Ready? Read on:

Capitalism:
The means of production is privately owned and controlled with only minimal regulatory interference from the state for the purposes of public health and safety. Economic decisions made by millions of independent consumers acting in the marketplace.
Socialism:
The means of production is owned and controlled by the state. Private property and business ownership is not permitted. State is in complete control of the economy.
Fascism:
The means of production is privately owned but state controlled; a command economy driven by political whims.

Again … those are pure definitions, and no economic system anywhere is solidly in one camp or the other. But as you read these definitions you will see that Obama clearly is much more of an economic fascist than a socialist. It’s control over industry he seeks, not ownership. Capitalist? Hardly. Remember … Obama described his limited days in the private sector as “working behind enemy lines.” Isn’t that just swell? We have a president who thinks that the private sector is the enemy. Wonderful; just wonderful.