This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
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* Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.
* The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
* The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950′s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
* What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
* The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
* Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.
* Yeah, me too.
* Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
* Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
* Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”
* Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
* There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
* Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.
* The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.
* One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
* Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
* The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. It’s numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
* When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
* The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.
* The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
* The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
* The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
* The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.
* The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!
* Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
* Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.
* The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
* Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
* Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
* Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
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That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.
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