How to Shut Down the Government

So there’s a lot of talk about shutting down the government. Like either the Republicans are threatening to do it or Obama is threatening to do it — but the point is it could get shut down. Some people are wondering, though: How do you shut down the government?
Well, there’s a big lever that turns the power on and off for the government, and it’s in the subbasement of the Capitol. You can’t just waltz into the basement and pull the lever, though, because there is a security guard whose job it is to make sure no one does that. He has a 9mm handgun. I think it’s semi-automatic. And his name is Gary — the security guard, not the handgun. Gary is not the type of guy who names his handgun.
Well, here’s something you only know as a Washington insider: Gary takes a two hour lunch at noon. So if at noon you only take a one hour lunch, you’ll have an hour to sneak in and pull that lever without Gary and his 9mm there to stop you. And then — BOOM! — the government is shutdown.
So what happens then? Well, Gary will probably get fired. And he has a wife and three kids. So that’s pretty awful. So, you know, if you shut down the government, people are going to get hurt. Just a warning.