Know Thy Enemy: AR-15

The Navy Yard shooter has put the AR-15 in the news. Yes, the shooter didn’t use an AR-15 — he took Joe Biden’s advice and used a shotgun — but that didn’t stop newspapers from putting the AR-15 in its headlines because any time there is a shooting, you can’t help but think of that evil evil AR-15. Thus I’ve had my crack research staff find out all they can about the world’s most deadliest weapon.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE AR-15
* The inventor of the AR-15 was Satan, though his patent has since expired.
* Scientists have confirmed the deadly effects of an AR-15 by giving it to a chimpanzee who then murdered them.
* Scientists agree that each year the AR-15 will grow more deadly until it kills everyone in the entire world.
* Some believe that Hitler was in fact an AR-15 in a rubber mask.
* In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve access to every firearm out there except for the AR-15 which he told them not to touch because it was too evil. But then the NRA, in the guise of a serpent, told Eve that the AR-15 is really fun to shoot. So then Eve took the AR-15 and started shooting all the animals in the garden because she is one awesome chick.
* The part that makes the AR-15 so extra deadly is the handle on top. The AR-15 would be used in less murders if it were more inconvenient to carry.
* It was an AR-15 that told Miley Cyrus to dance like that.
* Bullets that are normally harmless will kill instantly when fired out of the AR-15.
* The reason AR-15s have that prominent handle on them is because the most requested feature for an assault rifle was to be able to carry it like a Hello Kitty lunch box.
* If you find yourself surrounded by AR-15, know that they will fire automatically if they sense fear.
* The AR-15 is easily concealable and can fit inside a matchbox.
* The AR-15 is the leading cause of global warming from how its bullets shoot holes in the ozone.
* A very small percentage of gun deaths are attributed to the AR-15 because it is very good at disguising itself as other guns to frame them.
* What are the differences between an M16 and an AR-15? Scientists agree that it is something.
* The AR-15 can be rendered harmless by giving it only a 10 round magazine as people always miss with the first ten rounds and an AR-15 takes an hour and a half to reload.
* The AR-15 can shoot through schools.
* In a battle between Aquaman and an AR-15, Aquaman would break down and buy it so people might think he’s more manly.
* There were no shooting deaths until the invention of an AR-15. No one even considered using a gun to shoot another human being until someone saw an AR-15 and said, “I bet I could use this to kill people.”
* There was an assault musket similar to the AR-15 used by the world’s most evil pirates, but it was pronounced “Arrr-15.”
* The Assault Weapon ban was needed because it is well known that an AR-15 with both a pistol grip and a flash suppressor would be unstoppable by any modern military.
* In Europe there is no such thing as an AR-15 and thus also no such thing as murders. Instead of being violent, people there just drink wine and smoke cigarettes all day.
* If the AR-15 were banned, it’s believed all gun deaths would end because even gun murders that didn’t use the AR-15 were inspired by the evil sight of that gun.
* If you are shot by an AR-15, you become one.
* The AR-15 is responsible for 95% of all deaths each year. The rest of the deaths are from obesity and drone strikes.