This week, it’s time to buy grossly overpriced lobster-shaped souvenirs, because we’re headed up to Maine, so let’s get started…
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* The state bird of Maine is the chickadee, and NOT the much more common Cracker-Barrel Buzzard or Bald Coot.
* Maine is one of America’s largest producers of leather products, most of which are exported to San Francisco during Gay Pride Week.
* The state flower of Maine is the pine cone. Although most people wouldn’t be dumb enough to confuse a pine cone with a flower, keep in mind that some people actually considered Dan Rather to be a journalist, too.
* The state motto of Maine is, “Fleecing tourists is fun!”
* 90% of America’s toothpick supply is produced in Maine, and I’ll bet those idiots probably think THOSE are flowers, too.
* The state song of Maine is “Rock Lobster”, by the B52′s.
* The state tree of Maine is the white pine… which obviously means they’re racist.
* The top prize in Maine’s state lottery is having Stephen King personally bury your dismembered corpse in his back yard.
* Eastport, Maine, is the easternmost city in the US, and therefore the best place from which to launch a nuclear strike against France.
* Not that… you know… America is actually PLANNING anything like that…
* Hey… I’m just saying we should keep our options OPEN, people!
* Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only one other state. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that a LOT of dead lobsters wash up on the beach, and no one wants to be next to a state that smells like Roseanne Barr’s underwear.
* Every year, 4 million lobsters are caught off the coast of Maine – most of them on their way to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs.
* Maine produces 99% of America’s blueberries, which is why most blueberries can’t pronounce the word “car” correctly.
* Maine was originally settled by Canadians who were searching for the religious freedom to worship their pagan moose-god, Bullwinkle.
* Freeport, Maine, is home to the LL Bean Company, purveyors of fine outdoor clothing. This may explain why Maine’s license plates are made out of plaid flannel.
* Although Maine has many old lighthouses, they are rarely lit these days except by brave Hobbits attempting to signal the armies of Rohan.
* The first naval battle of the Revolutionary War was fought off the coast of Maine in 1775. It was technically a draw, since both the American and British crews were devoured by giant radioactive lobsters.
* The state insect of Maine is the honeybee, and most farmers who raise them still milk them by hand while sitting on a tiny stool.
* Most small towns in Maine still govern themselves through the use of “Town Hall Meetings”, which consist of a series of boring speeches, followed by a picnic and ritual cannibalism on the Town Commons.
* All new mothers in Maine face the difficult choice of whether to bottle feed their babies or give them their clam chowder straight from the breast.
* A great deal of Maine consists of marshy swampland. Sorta like Florida, except that in Maine, all the gators were eaten by giant radioactive lobsters.
* If you go to a bar in Maine, you’ll be tempted to try the “Moose Meat Margarita”. Resist.
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Well, that wraps up the Maine edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be stopping by the birthplace of the world’s violentest national anthem – and the rest of the world better not forget that if they know what’s good for ‘em – as we visit Maryland.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go out and milk the honeybees.
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