How to Get Out of Jury Duty

* Come to the courthouse dressed as a gay cowboy eating pudding.
* Ask if all of your personalities get a vote.
* No habla inlges, usted.
* Oh no, I can be fair and impartial. I hate all races equally.
* Wink at the defendant and whisper, “Call me.”
* Quote Matthew 7:1 and claim you aren’t allowed to judge based upon your religious convictions.
* Oh yeah, I can tell if someone’s guilty just by looking at their aura.
* Look at the defendant and say, “Dude. We missed you at the 10 year reunion.”
* Answer all questions in the dark language of Mordor.
* Tell the lawyers that your favorite movie is The Runaway Jury.
* On the jury questionnaire under political preference list: anarchist.
* I would be loving to be serve on this jury of the infidel. Allahu akbar. Sharia. I brought my own stones.
* Approach the defendant with open arms. “Come here you. It looks like you just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.”
* Heads guilty. Tails innocent.
* Point at the prosecuting attorney, “Remember that day you found out you passed the bar. Man, I have never seen you so stoned.”
* Before we get started, let me review for you all the prime directive.
* Glare at the judge and remark stoically, “I know what you did. The angels told me so.”