Things that bother me more than they should.

Handicapped licenses plates on cars doing 90. What's the rush? You always get the best damn parking spots anyway.

People who play crappy music too loudly.

People who play great music too softly.

Anyone, anytime, anywhere who borrows something of mine and doesn't put it back. You can use anything of mine you want, honestly, just don't make me go looking for it as payment for my generosity.

And speaking of not putting stuff back when you should, what is the rationale behind putting away empty containers when you shouldn't? Isn't that what we invented the trash for? Or is storing empty cereal boxes and empty milk containers some new "save the planet" campaign?

Men who make fart jokes around women. Never funny; always vulgar. Do that when you are spitting and scratching among your male friends like silver-backed gorillas. When men act like gorillas among men, they are adorable. When men act like gorillas among women, they are foul. Context is everything.

Women who talk incessantly about themselves. There's a big wide world out there, kittens, and you're not the center of it. Copernicus settled that ages ago.

Gristle or slimy fat in my meat. If you want to see someone gag reflexively and spit her food into her napkin, just put a piece of meat in my sandwich or soup or stew that makes a noise or - worse! - slides around when I am trying to eat it.

Political correctness. Freedom means I am allowed to think whatever I like. The 1st Amendment gives me the right to SAY it. Your thin skin is of no concern to me. And don't worry. My skin is thick enough that if you don't like the rules, I don't care.

Hippies. Especially hippies who are leftists. If you're an honest hippie, you have to be a libertarian. Being a leftist hippie just means you are a bully as well as a loser.

Any recipe that is longer than two pages. If I have to turn the page, I'm not making it.

Vegetarians. Bunch of carrot-murdering lousy cooks. Go steam some rice or something.

Ill-behaved children and poorly trained animals. If it's a kid or a dog, it belongs to you. The rest of us don't want to put up with ANY OF IT. Not barking, not whining, not crying, not climbing on me as I'm seated, not jumping up on me with an enthusiasm that I do not share, not begging, not intruding, not listening. Trust me on this.

"Children should be seen and not heard" -- from a distance.

Women who try to turn their husbands/boyfriends/lovers into their bestest girlfriend. He doesn't want the job. Leave the poor dear alone to his football. In fact, get him a beer, and call your ACTUAL best friend on the phone. Everyone will be happier.

Snoring.

Men who think a few drinks make them better dancers. A few drinks make you FUNNIER dancers. Big difference.

Women who think a few drinks give them sudden and mystical powers of insight into every awful past relationship they ever had, and then proceed to share this stunning wisdom with you until they end up sobbing into the third or fourth drink past their limit.

People who think it is appropriate to get in touch with their inner asshole while commenting PUBLICLY on the internet. Just like picking your nose while driving your car, we can all SEE YOU. You are not invisible. And it is just as disconcerting to run across someone losing it over a comment as it is to drive by someone scratching their brain through their nostril.