John Kerry Reporting for Duty in the Middle East

With John Kerry at the helm during the current negotiations, I expect peace in the Middle East will be achieved any day now.  As usual, my man in State has leaked me some of the inner machinations that are going on.  Here are some of the inevitable back door agreements that have worked their way into the proposed agreement.

• The acceptance of the one-state solution in which the entire Middle East and most of the American Midwest is given to Iran (Don’t worry, the Jews still get to run the rest of America)
• In exchange for the US taking a hands-off approach in Syria, Putin will stop intimidating Obama by texting him shirtless selfies
• Barney Frank will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘questioning’
• All Israelis who wish to remain in the one state will be granted the religious liberty to choose either Shia or Sunni or stoning
• Bashar al Assad will get three free visits from Denis Rodman
• Miley Cyrus will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘burka fitting’
• Mossad hackers will stop causing all those glitches in the Obamacare website
• Iran has agreed to use non-greenhouse gases in their extermination chambers
• The Israeli lobby will stop resisting Mel Gibson’s plans to produce the broadway musical version of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
• Putin will be given a championship ring from each Superbowl to round out his collection if he agrees to return Biden’s collection of round, shiny objects and Obama’s deck of race cards
• Justin Beiber will be turned over to the Ayatollah for ‘some good old-fashioned bitch slapping’
• Iran will only enrich its uranium in eco-friendly centrifuges that have the Energy Star seal of approval
• Jimmy Carter will be given full Iranian citizenship and be allowed to personally oversee the historical tours celebrating the Iran Hostage Crisis and Operation Eagle Claw
• In order to prevent the potential for radioactive fallout and nuclear winter, Iran will agree to use it nuclear weapons only in cases where their demands aren’t met
• The UN will issue an official ‘corrected’ translation of the Old Testament that clearly indicates that the real location of the children of Israel’s promised land is Dearborn, Michigan