10 Liberal Excuses for Missing Starbucks Appreciation Day

After freedom-lovers across America turned out in record numbers to show support for Chik-fil-A, embarrassed liberals decided that they should do something constructive (for a change) and vowed to show support for a corporation themselves.
They chose Starbucks Coffee.
Like most constructive efforts by liberals, it failed miserably. Which you didn’t know because an embarrassed media just ignored it, on the theory that if no one actually TALKS about a failure, then it didn’t actually fail.
Denial. River in Egypt. Not just.
I’m sure they had plausible excuses, though. Like maybe…
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Too creeped out by the way the mermaid’s eyes seem to follow you wherever you go.

1) Pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, forgot why they were there, threw a garbage can through the window out of habit, and fled.
2) Too frightened by all the gun owners showing their appreciation for Starbucks’ supportive concealed-carry policy.
3) Heard a rumor Mitt Romney might pop by and give them cancer.
4) All the food items at Starbucks are 100% dog-free, a racist insult to the President.
5) Never got over the disappointment of discovering that, while Starbucks coffee looks & smells like rancid bongwater, it has none of the happy side-effects.
6) While reading Facebook on their iPad, discovered that Starbucks was secretly a corporation and thus totally evil.
7) Scheduling conflict. Flipped a coin, it came up heads, and went to the Roseanne Barr for President rally instead. Yay! Socialist solutions!
8) Sorry, STILL too busy wandering around Madison, Wisconsin, screeching about how it’s CNN’s fault that the military-industrial-media complex conspired to throw the election to Scott Walker.
9) Denied admittance to the store by Starbucks’ strict “No Bongos” policy.
10) Apollo’s Coffee is just SO much better.
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On the bright side, when I heard liberals were going to throw their support behind Starbucks, I did what any prudent person would do: short-sold a ton of their stock & made a fortune when it tanked.