This week, it’s time to fire up the ol’ combine, because we’re headed out to Iowa, so let’s get started…
______________
 |
* The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.
* Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary “lost 100th county” is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.
* Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.
* Iowa was nicknamed the “Hawkeye State” after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state’s taverns.
* The 31st president of the US – Herbert Hoover – was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.
* The state song of Iowa is “Corn! Corn! Corn!”, which consists entirely of people singing the word “corn” for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monty Python’s “Spam” sketch.
* The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because… well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn’t grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.
* Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.
* Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world’s largest strawberry. It’s 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.
* The world’s smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.
* And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?
* Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.
* Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.
* You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They’re all from Iowa.
* Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world’s largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.
* Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.
* Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world’s largest breakfast cereal company – Quaker Oats – which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o’s.
* In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.
* Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.
* Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would’ve prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.
* Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.
* Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin’ nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.
* The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN’ NOSE!
* Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.
_______________
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin’ nose… ow…
No comments:
Post a Comment