John Kerry Reporting for Duty in Egypt

My man in State has come through again.  He has gotten his hands on a transcript of a cellphone call between John Kerry and President Morsi.  Thank goodness the NSA has been keeping all of this data around for us to benefit from.
KERRY: Hello.
MORSI: What’s up?
KERRY: Nothing much.  What is up with you?
MORSI: Oh, nothing much either.  Just dealing with that freakin’ military coup that you promised me would never happen!
KERRY: Are you sure it is a coup? My sources at the embassy claim it is just a little anger over a Youtube video. Nothing to worry about.
MORSI: Yes, I am certain it is a coup.
KERRY: I’m not sure where you are getting your intel, but I’ve been watching the live video feeds, and I’m pretty sure that most of it is just clips from The Mummy played on a continuous loop.
MORSI: Allah give me strength! I am looking out my window right now. The crowds thronging the palace are very real.
KERRY: Are you sure?  You can get movie extras really cheap nowadays.
MORSI: No, these are not movie extras.
KERRY: I just can’t believe that so many Muslims would be opposed to your very Muslim governing.  Are you sure?  We use paid protestors all of the time.  Otherwise, we just get a few wack jobs showing up at the rallies.  With our high unemployment rates, people are desperate for any paying gigs.  Come to think of it, I’m looking at the feeds again right now, and to me it does indeed look suspicious. Most of those protesters look like a bunch of swarthy Mexicans to me.  I can’t tell them from Paco, my gardener.  I’m pretty sure your opponents just gathered all those folks up from the local Home Depots and trucked them in.
MORSI: OMA!  You know what? Can I just talk to Hillary?
KERRY: What?
MORSI: She pledged American support for my administration, and I am trying to gauge what help, if any, I can expect from you.
KERRY: Well, if I had been in charge then, things wouldn’t be turning out like this. Let me give you some advice.  Here is the John Kerry secret to acquiring and maintaining power.  Find a lonely woman with no self-esteem who is incredibly wealthy and marry her.
MORSI: WTF?!!
KERRY: No.  It works.  It’s not too late.  Give me a minute.  Teri?  Teri honey?  Are any of your sisters currently single?  No?  Brothers?  That you wouldn’t mind having stoned?  No?  Any single friends?  Really? Just her?  Well, yeah, but you’d never notice that under a burka, though, right?  What’s her number?
MORSI: Never mind. I do not want that infidel’s phone number. That won’t solve my problem.
KERRY: Well, if you won’t take my advice, don’t blame me for the outcomes.  Oh wait, it sounds like you just have a little popularity problem. Let me work some PR magic.
MORSI: Like what?  What PR magic is going to end this coup?
KERRY: You just need some celebrity endorsements.  Let me check my rolodex.  Just a moment here.  Trying to find a non-Jewish celebrity for you, since I know how sensitive you are to that.  Ah, here we go.  How about The Bangles?  I’m sure they are free.  And we could have them throw a concert to raise awareness too.
MORSI: Can I put you on hold for a bit?  I’ve got Putin on the other line.
Dial tone.