Chemical Weapons in Syria? Unpossible!

My man in State is reporting to me again.  John Kerry has been reporting for duty on the Syrian chemical weapons situation.  He has concluded that he trusts the Syrian government and agrees that chemical weapons were not used there.  He is leaning toward some of the following facts in his reasoning.

• They weren’t chemical, duh, they were biological.
• Oh, they aren’t dead.  They just swooned because there was an internet rumor that Beiber would be touring here.
• It wasn’t Syria who used the weapons.  It was the Jews and their new biological weapon the Flatulence of Doom.  They smuggled it in as innocuous sticks of sugar-free gum which were distributed to unwitting school children to release to the world.
• It’s just another Pallywood, ‘wag the dog’ production.  They are all just actors pretending to be injured and dead.
• It was just the aftermath of a Rosie O’Donnell speech.  Oh the humanity! And this is exactly why we want the broads in burkas.
• What do you expect? Syria just ended its ‘Stop and Frisk’ policy.
• Baghdad Bob says there are no chemical weapons in Syria.
• This happens every year at Falafel Fest.  They will be fine once the cloud of methane dissipates.
• This is just what happens when communities aren’t properly organized.
• It is impossible that there were chemical weapons used.  Syria is a chemical-weapon-free zone.