The Beginning of My Path Towards 2016

So, the 2016 race is already heating up with Chris Christie making veiled attacks against Rand Paul and Bobby Jindal. He’s basically saying to the other possible candidates, “I drink your milkshake. And I eat your bacon. And anything else I can quickly grab before I waddle to my hasty escape.”
I can’t help the fat jokes when Christie is the subject. I’m sorry.
Do we really want to get into fights this early, though? I say “yes” because I need all the possible candidate to self-destruct now giving me time to offer myself as the last unsullied candidate for 2016. “That Joe Johnson there; never heard anything bad about him,” they’ll say. “His wife sure made me a pretty card. Let’s make him the nominee.”
And I’ll be like, “I’m too humble to accept.”
And they’ll be like, “Oh. That sucks. We’ll have to give it somebody else then.”
And I’ll be all panicked and like, “That was just stupid talk. I am not humble. I know I’m awesome.”
And they’ll be like, “But you won’t be extreme or anything?”
And I’ll be like, “No. I’m like super mainstream.”
And they’ll be like, “But what’s this talk about nuking the moon?”
And I’ll be like, “I denounce that. I like the moon. The moon is awesome. It has lots of rocks on it.”
And they’ll be like, “Okay then. I guess you can be the Republican nominee for president.”
Suckers.