Fun Facts About the 50 States: Missouri

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time throw empty Bud cans at those pathetic Royals, because we’re headed to Missouri, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Missouri originally only featured two bears on it. A third, smaller bear was later added to make the flag “juuuuuust right”.

* Missouri became the 24th state on August 10th, 1821. It was originally admitted to the Union as a “slave” state, but eventually exchanged slavery for the slightly-less-evil institution of Country music.
* The state bird of Missouri is the Bluebird, which – unlike its cousin, the Swallow – CAN fly while grasping a coconut by the husk.
* Missouri has the second best educational system in the U.S. It WOULD be first, but for the fact that they fail to teach their kids that there’s no “r” in “wash”.
* Missouri was named after the Missouri Indian tribe, whose name means “seriously, there’s no ‘ah’ at the end… idiots…”
* Missouri’s nickname is “The Pronouncing Invisible Letters State”.
* Missouri’s license plates contain the motto “Show Me”. They should not be confused with Louisiana’s license plates, which say “Show Me Your Boobs”.
* Baseball coach Yogi Berra was born in St. Louis, Missouri, and is famous for his quaint, mixed-metaphor sayings, like “It ain’t over till the clip’s empty”.
* The state insect of Missouri is the honeybee, which is usually served deep-fried and sprinkled on waffles.
* The crinoid became Missouri’s state fossil after a group of students at Lee’s Summit high school conducted an experiment to see how much is costs to bribe a state legislature.
* Ten thousand dollars, a case of whiskey, and a dozen hookers, if you’re curious.
* The capitol building in Jefferson City, Missouri burned to the ground in 1911 after being struck by lightning during an attempt to make a DeLorean travel through time.
* Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards than Paris, but fewer German armies have marched down them.
* The Gateway Arch is located in St. Louis, Missouri, and was originally the symbol for the now-defunct NcDonald’s restaurant chain.
* Aunt Jemima Pancake Flour was invented in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the first commercially successful self-rising flour. It was later followed by the less-well-received “Uncle Tom Cake Mix”.
* Springfield, Missouri, was founded by a group of tourists who got lost on the way to Branson.
* Carthage, Missouri, is home to the Precious Moments Chapel, a museum filled with adorable porcelain bisque figurines of big-eyed children, featuring such titles as “Mommy’s Been Drinking Again” and “Please, Daddy, Not The Belt!”
* Weldon Springs, Missouri, is the site of the Nuclear Waste Adventure Trail and Museum. While there, be sure to try the Paint Chip Nachos.
* The “Elvis is Alive Museum” can be found in Wright City, Missouri. It’s conveniently located between the “Al Gore Won” and “Michael Moore Would Recognize Truth If It Jumped Up And Bit Him In the Ass” Museums.
* Black inventor George Washington Carver was born in Diamond Grove, Missouri, and is proof that black people used to be able to become famous for something other than sports and political activism.
* President Harry S Truman was born in Lamar, Missouri. The “S” stands for “so let’s nuke the Japs”.
* Rush Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where he got his start in radio by beating up liberal talk show hosts and stealing their lunch money.
* Author Mark Twain was born in Florida, Missouri, where the rumors of his death are no longer greatly exaggerated.
* Outlaw Jesse James was born in Centerville, Missouri, and was known as “the most dangerous man in America”. At least until Rush Limbaugh got his first radio job.
* Iced tea was invented at the St. Louis World’s Fair in 1904 as a method of frightening away the stuffy and annoying British tourists.
* Seriously… what’s the point of hot tea, anyway? It’s like drinking boiled Kool-Aid.
* The ice cream cone was also invented at the 1904 World’s Fair, after an ice cream vendor discovered that all of his paper cups had been destroyed by a mysterious fire.
* Probably of British origin.
* Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis, Missouri, is the world’s largest brewery. In 1872, they patented their secret formula for “Alco-swill”, which was later re-named “Budweiser” for marketing reasons.
* Robert Wadlow – who was the world’s tallest man at 8 feet 11 inches – was born in St. Louis, Missouri. His “Where’s Wadlow” line of children’s books was a dismal failure.
* “Wild Kingdom” host Marlin Perkins was born in Carthage, Missouri. He gained fame documenting his travels around the world as he searched for new and exotic toppings for Imo’s Pizza.
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That wraps up the Missouri edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be redlining down 7,000 miles of copless interstates as we tour Montana.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go grab me a can of Alco-swill.
Hey… it’s after 5pm somewhere…

Hurricane Survival Tips

There’s a big hurricane heading towards the east coast. I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t care that much. Still I’ve lived through a few hurricanes myself and know quite a bit about them. 
HURRICANE SURVIVAL TIPS
* You can’t let a hurricane know you’re scared of it as they can smell fear and will attack it. The safest place to be when a hurricane comes is out front of your house on the lawn shaking your fist at it.
* Make sure to have a hurricane survival kit well stocked with water, beef jerky, Pixy Stix, a chinchilla, various lengths of lead pipe, The Rock on DVD, a hairnet, bear mace, a jaunty hat, and a box labeled “Hurricane Survival Kit” that’s actually filled with snakes.
* The calmest part of a storm is its eye, so if the hurricane gets really stressful, go there to relax.
* If you see Joe Biden running out and trying to lick the hurricane, don’t tackle him and drag him back to shelter; leave that to the professionals in the Secret Service.
* If you’re going to fight the hurricane, attacks its clouds; that’s the weak spot.
* While watching out for the hurricane, don’t get caught unaware by the burrowcane which digs underground and attacks from below.
* Hurricanes are really just a bunch of wind and water, so don’t act too scared of it or everyone will think you’re a sissy.
* Don’t vote for Obama.
So those are all my tips. Follow them, and you should survive the hurricane. The surest sign the hurricane is over is when you hear an ice cream truck drive by. Then run out and get yourself some ice cream as a reward for surviving the hurricane!

Hypocrisy and Lies in Obama's (Permanent) War on Terror

Running for office on a platform of humanitarian idealism is one thing. Carrying out an effective counter-terrorism policy amid an enormous range of domestic and international constraints is another. What’s most likely is that the invocation of “bringing the terrorists to justice” is just a horribly dishonest ruse that this administration keeps alive for convenient but coldly calculated political utility. And as such, it’s clear that Republican attacks of deceit and dishonesty against Obama — with growing claims of a cover up on the entire Libya debacle — are in fact embedded in a history of national security duplicity that this president has foisted on the American people since taking office. The election on November 6 will ultimately reveal whether the country has had enough of it.

Yeah, Obama's all about political expediency. It's a really disgusting and decrepit reputation, and the full record will become more clear in the fullness of time. It's going to take a long time before the full history of this administration's duplicity is revealed. That said, the picture comes into focus a bit more day by day. See the Washington Post for another data point of deceit, "Plan for hunting terrorists signals U.S. intends to keep adding names to kill lists":

Over the past two years, the Obama administration has been secretly developing a new blueprint for pursuing terrorists, a next-generation targeting list called the “disposition matrix.”

The matrix contains the names of terrorism suspects arrayed against an accounting of the resources being marshaled to track them down, including sealed indictments and clandestine operations. U.S. officials said the database is designed to go beyond existing kill lists, mapping plans for the “disposition” of suspects beyond the reach of American drones.

Although the matrix is a work in progress, the effort to create it reflects a reality setting in among the nation’s counterterrorism ranks: The United States’ conventional wars are winding down, but the government expects to continue adding names to kill or capture lists for years.

Among senior Obama administration officials, there is a broad consensus that such operations are likely to be extended at least another decade. Given the way al-Qaeda continues to metastasize, some officials said no clear end is in sight.

“We can’t possibly kill everyone who wants to harm us,” a senior administration official said. “It’s a necessary part of what we do. . . . We’re not going to wind up in 10 years in a world of everybody holding hands and saying, ‘We love America.’”

Endless wars? Where is all the leftist outrage to those endless wars we used to hear about? Oh yeah, that stuff only counts when a Republican's in office. There is at least one key exception, which I've noted before, and that's Glenn Greenwald. See, "Obama moves to make the War on Terror permanent." Discussing WaPo's article, Greenwald writes:

This was all motivated by Obama's refusal to arrest or detain terrorist suspects, and his resulting commitment simply to killing them at will (his will).

Right.

This was all motivated by Obama's craven political expedience and epic moral bankruptcy. Personally, I'm not nearly as exercised about the U.S. drone warfare program as is Greenwald. I like killing terrorists. What I don't like is a president who as a candidate campaigned up and down against the Bush administration's national security policies. And then once taking office, knowing that the wheels of national security keep turning no matter who occupies the Oval Office, Obama took the path of least resistance and adopted the "gutsy call" persona designed exclusively to keep himself in power. Obama doesn't like drones and kill lists because they fit his preexisting views on war and peace. He likes them because they're f-king easy. The military gets pet war-fighting projects, the Pentagon keeps its orders for high-tech weaponry chugging along, and the White House can repeatedly announce how "we've got al Qaeda on the run," when all it's really done is fight a long-distance war of attrition, while simultaneously making things worse with a complete FUBAR foreign policy that assists Islamic extremism. It's almost too much to comprehend, like a Rube Goldberg contraption in foreign affairs, but that's what's been happening. Benghazi is blowback for the president's spineless "leading from behind" approach to toppling the Gaddafi regime. And what's especially priceless is the administration's cheerleaders in the press, who won't actually vet this administration's policies. Greenwald has more on that, and it's very good, "Joe Klein's sociopathic defense of drone killings of children."

I'll have more later...

Transcript of White House Meeting on 9/11/2012

Transcript from conversation in the Oval Office on September 11th, 2012:

AIDE: There has been an attack on a consulate in Benghazi.
OBAMA: Where’s that?
AIDE: In Libya.
OBAMA: Where’s that?
AIDE: The Middle East.
OBAMA: Where’s that?
AIDE: To the east… but the center of stuff to the east.
OBAMA: I understand. So what happened?
AIDE: Well four Americans were killed, including an Ambassador.
OBAMA: Eh. Doesn’t that happen all the time?
AIDE: Actually, no, sir, this is not a common occurrence. This is a very important and horrible incident.
OBAMA: It doesn’t seem important. I mean, I got fundraisers and stuff to prepare for. I don’t see why you’re bothering me with this. Hey, Biden, do you think this is important?
BIDEN: Me want cookie!
OBAMA: Biden doesn’t think it’s important. Probably just Muslims getting angry at some silly thing. They get angry at stuff all the time. Like cartoons, TV shows, and drone strikes. Silly Muslims.
AIDE: Actually, sir, we already have information telling us– Uh… why is Biden laughing.
OBAMA: He just does that. Ignore him.
AIDE: As I was saying, we have information that this was a planned terrorist attack by an al Qaeda-affiliated group.
OBAMA: Al Qaeda? That’s ridiculous. I killed bin Laden. You saw me kill him.
AIDE: Actually, it was a SEAL te–
OBAMA: I killed bin Laden. He dead. No more al Qaeda. Isn’t that right, Biden?
BIDEN: Where my shoe?
OBAMA: Biden agrees with me. There is no al Qaeda because I killed bin Laden and am a good and smart president. Obviously this attack was just Muslims getting angry at some YouTube video or something. We’ll announce that and vow to bring the maker of the YouTube video to justice. Don’t you agree, Biden?
BIDEN: Shoe on head!
OBAMA: Biden is a foreign policy expert and he agrees. This is smart. I am smart president. Tell me I’m smart!
AIDE: You’re very smart.
OBAMA: That’s right.

The Bayonets Debate

Oy! Foreign policy debate! So boring! They just talked about all these places I’ve never even heard of. Like Mali? What even is that? Is that a country? Is it near Bali? Is Bali a country or did I just make that up?
So the last debate was especially designed to go over the heads of the low information voters that are still undecided, so I don’t see how either of them could get much traction in it. Still, Obama got in one good zinger. When Romney was going on about how we have less ships in the navy than under past presidents by saying we have fewer bayonets and horses too. Pretty good — except that we probably don’t have less bayonets since every Marine is issued one and still actively uses them. But to know things like that, Obama would have to have talked to or at least seen an active member of the military which is very much beneath him. So he’s little out of touch with what they’re doing. He thought the Navy SEALs that killed bin Laden were an actual group of trained seals.
But anyway, the important thing is that Obama finally took on that stupid navy we don’t need. Come on; it’s the Aquaman of the military. What threats do we have at sea? No one lives there. And I’ve never heard of water terrorists. And if we got rid of the Navy, with all the money we’d save, think of all the birth control we could buy Sandra Fluke.
And once again during the debate, Obama unveiled his solution for everything foreign and domestic: More teachers! Like they’re this fungible commodity, and if you just increase their number regardless of quality, everything gets better. Me, I hate teachers and want less of them.   I believe the path to better education is in fact less schools and less teachers.
Anyway, expect Obama to have be declared the winner of this and Romney’s poll numbers to continue to move up as a result. Obama tried to paint him as a warmonger, but Romney was more of a boremonger — boring us with all the details he knows while not sounding very militaristic. In the end, he looked calm and presidential and Obama once again looked peevish and like someone trying to fight from behind.
Aw, man. I’m right-wing humorist. I can’t go back to having a Republican president. What will I make fun of?

12 Signs Obama Doesn’t Think Much of America or Its Problems

So Obama went on the Daily Show and said that four people getting killed in Benghazi that it’s “not optimal.” Who knew that by going on Comedy Central Obama might say something that wouldn’t elevate the office of the president? He really should stick to hard news programs like The View.
This is just more evidence, though, that Obama doesn’t think particularly much of America and its problems. A former Clinton aide recently said that Obama doesn’t even seem to like people, and I have noticed much through the years that shows Obama is kind of aloof.
SIGNS OBAMA DOESN’T THINK MUCH OF AMERICA OR ITS PROBLEMS
* Sent out food stamps with the note, “Here, now stuff your fat faces and waddle over to the voting booth on November 6th.”
* When he found out a supporter he met was from Vermont, he said, “Why are you wasting my time? That’s a blue state I’ll win easily no matter what.” and then punched him in the nads.
* Talked to military commanders recently about if there was a way to increase casualties in the Middle East so there would be less military people to vote against him.
* He’s writing his next memoir exclusively for the European markets as a tell-all about America.
* Promised a women’s group that there would be a man at every polling station to help the women vote if they got confused or scared or hormonal.
* He once tried to order drone strikes to clear up a D.C. traffic jam.
* Google searches reveal he was trying to see what’s the required eligibility to run for president of Indonesia.
* He told a group of unemployed blue collar workers, “I guess I can’t help bring back factory jobs, but frankly I’d kill myself before working in one of them. And killing yourselves would also bring down unemployment…”
* He refers to hot dogs, hamburgers, and apple pie as “weird ethnic food.”
* When a woman complained to him of high gas prices, he gave her a handful of birth control pills, patted her on the head, and told her, “It will be all right.”
* He keeps trying to raise the minimal donation amount before anyone can shake his hand or touch him in any manner.
* He honestly thinks he’s doing a good job as president.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Mississippi

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time get stinkin’ drunk, float down the Big Muddy, and wash up on a sandbar with a hangover, because we’re headed to Mississippi, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Mississippi is best described as a combination of the Confederate and French flags. Don’t count on them to win any wars for you.

* Mississippi became the 20th state on December 10th 1817. Although the new state’s entry faced violent opposition, it managed to get admitted to the Union since people with lisps did not yet have the right to vote.
* Mississippi has 82 counties, all of which have at least one town named “Bubbaville”.
* Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. The world’s largest couch was built there in her honor, just in case Tom Cruise stops by.
* Chitlins were first served in Shuqulah, Mississippi, which – I assume – is home to a disproportionate population of the hopelessly insane.
* Mississippi gets its name from the Chippewa Indian word “mici-zibi”, which means “River’s flooding again… WHY do these stupid white people keep rebuilding here?”
* Mississippi has a population of 3 million people and 6 million teeth.
* Singer Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Does anyone else find it ironic that he once had a hit song about shoes?
* In a fight between Aquaman & someone from Mississippi, the Mississippian would lose, but he’d write a great blues song about the fight that would make millions.
* Most people from Mississippi have several Confederate flag sticker on their cars. This doesn’t make them racist, it just means that they’re too poor to afford enough duct tape to hold their cars together.
* If you’re in Mississippi and someone tries to mug you, just yell, “Look! Snow!”. The mugger will become paralyzed with confusion and you can make your escape.
* Although Mississippi is frequently the 50th ranked state in quality of education, it IS ranked #1 in the category of “boosting self-esteem for students in the other 49 states”.
* The world’s largest Bible-binding plant is in Greenwood, Mississippi, and uses only genuine atheist-skin leather.
* …And people wonder why I’ve never been to Mississippi…
* The Stetson hat was invented in Dunn’s Falls, Mississippi, which is constantly being attacked by Texas Crusaders seeking to recapture their holy city.
* Football player Walter “Sweetness” Payton was born in Columbia, Mississippi, and was the first athlete to appear simultaneously on boxes of “Wheaties”, “Gritties”, and “Chitlinies” cereals.
* Petal, Mississippi is home to the International Checkers Hall of Fame. Requirements for induction include winning a tournament on a 5-jump, double-king combo move, and appearing on a “Chitlinies” box.
* The Vicksburg National Cemetery is the largest national cemetery in America. Some people say that the Arlington National Cemetery is larger, but it’s stuffed with all them damn Yankees, so it doesn’t really count.
* Legendary Football quarterback Brett Favre was born in Kiln, Mississippi. He was reputed to be able to throw a football hard enough to break a receiver’s fingers, but he only did that if the guy was late with his protection money payment.
* Singer Jimmy Buffett was born in Pascagoula, Mississippi, but was banished after all the town’s salt-shakers mysteriously disappeared.
* It was his own damn fault.
* Mississippi is the only state in America that doesn’t offer personalized license plates. The state’s DMV figures it’s not worth it, since no one can read those big ol’ 6-letter words, anyway.
* The fried peanut butter and banana sandwich was invented in Tupelo, Mississippi by Elvis Presley in 1945. He never patented his invention, and died in bankrupt obscurity in 1977.
* It is NOT true that the Governor of Mississippi is chosen as a result of being the victor in a greased-pig-catching contest. They don’t actually grease the pig.
* Actor James Earl Jones was born in Arkabutla, Mississippi, but soon moved to Coruscant to complete his Sith training.
* Mississippi has the lowest percentage of high school graduates in America, since the graduation exam requires students to spell the state’s name without using the words “crooked-letter” or “humpback”.
* During a hunting expedition to Mississippi in 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. This act resulted in the creation of the world-famous stuffed animal, the “Stupid Yankee Bear”.
* In 1807, Aaron Burr was arraigned for treason in Washington, Mississippi, beneath the Burr Oaks. Optimists in the city have since planted a grove of Jane Fonda Oaks, just in case.
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That wraps up the Mississippi edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll get tricked into whitewashing fences by Tom Sawyer when we visit Missouri.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go pour me a big ol’ bowl of Chitlinies for breakfast.

9 Pieces of Advice for Obama in the Next Debate

Hey, so I’m back!
Yeah, I was gone. I totally was.
Whatever, anyway, I know what you’re all saying, “Can’t you help out Obama in the debate tomorrow?” And really I should help him out because he’s the president of the United States and just seems so scared confused all the time. You really feel for the little guy.
Anyway, Obama needs to be aggressive for this next debate. In the last one, he let Romney run all over him. This time, he need to come out full force with everything he has. That will really get the left to love him again. Here’s some ideas:
ADVICE FOR OBAMA’S NEXT DEBATE
* It’s going to be a town meeting style debate, but you can’t give people the idea it’s okay to question you. So if one question from a citizen seems negative, immediately drop to the floor, start pounding the ground, and scream, “I’m the president! I’m the president!”
* If you disagree with anything Romney says, don’t just stand there. Cover your ears and screech, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”
* When you shake hands with Romney at the beginning, bite him. But be careful; that can come off poorly if done wrong.
* If you don’t have a good answer for any question — like any questions about the horrible economy — just say, “I killed bin Laden! Bin Laden dead because ME!”
* If something Romney says frustrates you, throw some papers around and shout, “Me angry!”
* Take a low dosage of the Joker venom so you can smile all the time like Biden.
* Scream “Ahhhhhhh!” constantly so no one can hear what Romney is saying.
* If what Romney says about your job as president is especially mean, don’t be afraid to cry.
* Finally, if things seem to be going poorly, just run off the stage screaming, “I hate all of you! This is stupid!”
If you do these things, Obama, you’ll be the hero of the left again. Like Alan Grayson.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Minnesota

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we’re going to Minnesota, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled ‘Life on the Farm’”.

* Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters.
* Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “Mah-nee-soo-tah”, meaning “No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye”.
* The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings Will… Aw, Nevermind”
* The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
* Madison, Minnesota is known as “The Lutefisk Capital of the World”. Avoid this city at all costs.
* “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick Van Dyke Show”. The show – about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city – was originally titled “Life Without Dick”, but that was changed for some reason.
* The state motto of Minnesota is, “Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor.”
* Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.
* Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
* The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.
* The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn’t been invented yet.
* St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named “Pig’s Eye”, after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre “Pig’s Eye” Parrant. Its “twin city”, Minneapolis, was known as “Pig’s Colon”.
* The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.
* Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.
* In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.
* Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.
* Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on Independence Day – You Get Used To It.”
* Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat – chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.
* The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota’s stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.
* Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.
* No airbags, no seatbelts… these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!
* Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “Spam Diet” – which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.
* Much like the “Lutefisk Diet”.
* The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.
* Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.
* Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.
* Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing crotchless parkas.
* Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.
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…That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be wearing my “s” & “i” keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a closer look at that chick’s parka.

Remember Bali: Fun Facts About Australia

Today is the 10th anniversary of the Terrorist bombing that killed 88 Australians. The second shot in the War on Terror.
In their honor: Fun Facts About Australia
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* Australia is sometimes referred to as the “island continent”. This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting “career”.
* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.
* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.
* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.
* Australia is known for its vast, woolly herds of opals.
* It’s also known for its many sheep mining operations.
* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.
* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.
* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an MSNBC broadcast day.
* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.
* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn’t be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair and more cream filling.
* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don’t make any sudden moves – just give him your wallet and hope he doesn’t hurt you.
* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don’t own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.
* Ayers’ Rock is an incredibly huge rock that… well… it… um… that is… er… uh… anyway, it’s really big, so don’t make it angry.
* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they’ll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!
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Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

Post Debate Wrap Up

Sorry I am late with this. But the last couple weeks have been kinda rough on this old man

Watched the debate the other night with Erin. Didn’t have much choice since it preempted pretty much everything else, and it was required viewing for Social Studies. Like usual, we watched it with the mute on and let the kids make up the dialog, so I can’t say for sure that I hated the performance of the moderator, but I think that is pretty much a given. They always seem to ask the wrong questions. If I were the moderator, these are the questions I would want to see Obama try and answer:

· Why are you never seen at the same time as Rupaul?

· Just what is in that jar beneath your bed labeled: Souls?

· Why did you spend over three hours in your changing room, and why did you come out two inches shorter and hairless?

· Why do you sometimes refer to yourself as Linda Goldstein?

· Why does the laughter of children repulse you so?

· Why have you never been seen photographed with a chicken or any kind of melon?

· Why do you have an unexplainable fear of Negroes?

· Why won't you release the six months worth of e-mail exchanges between yourself and someone known as Saruman?

· Why do both Sasha and Malia look strikingly like that garbage man who loves you so?

· Why, though being seen at the beach often, do you never put so much as a toe in the water?

· Why, for the longest time, did you insist that Michelle and the kids wear tin foil undergarments, while you were going California style?

· Just what were you sacrificing on that makeshift stone altar in the 17th floor restroom of WT7 on September 10th?

· Why, if you look very closely at the Apollo landing photographs, can I see the reflection of your full moon on the side of the lander?

· Why, exactly, did you and Qadaffi use the same Brazilian plastic surgeon?

· Why were you overheard saying the following to Joe Biden: "Kidnapping is such a loaded term. Think of it as surprise adoption."?

· Why do you look out the window each night before going to bed and whisper: "Bonobo. I'm ready now."?

Remember, I'm just asking questions.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Michigan

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to use your hand for a map, because we’re headed off to Michigan, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Michigan contains the state’s Latin motto which means, “Cold like Wisconsin, but more recognizably hand-shaped”.

* Michigan became the 26th state on January 26th, 1837, and was originally a penal colony for disloyal Canadians who refused to say “eh?” at the end of every sentence.
* If someone from Michigan flips you off, don’t be offended. He’s probably just trying to tell you to take I-75 to Mackinaw City.
* Famous singer Madonna was born in Detriot, Michigan, which may explain why her bras looked like the hubcaps from a ’57 Chevy.
* Michingan’s nickname is the “Wolverine State”, even though there are no longer any wolverines in the state. The last Michigan wolverine died in 1872 when it was eaten by a badger while attempting to sneak across the border into Wisconsin.
* Rogers City, Michigan boasts the world’s largest limestone quarry, which is where Fred Flintstone used to work before he made it big in Hollywood.
* Yes, I know Fred Flintstone lived in Bedrock, but he commuted.
* Being surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes, Michigan has more bridges than any other state, most of which Ted Kennedy has driven off of at one time or another.
* The Detroit Zoo does not keep its animals in cages, because they all know better than to wander the streets of Detroit after dark.
* Industrialist Henry Ford was born in Dearborn, Michigan, and invented the assembly line to streamline the process of killing union agitators.
* The world’s largest crucifix is located in Indian River, Michigan. Requests from the National Endowment for the Arts to dip it in the world’s largest jar of urine have so far been ignored.
* The Ambassador Bridge connecting Michigan to Canada was built in 1953 and has since been heavily mined to prevent more talentless, hack actors like William Shatner from sneaking into our country.
* No matter where you stand in Michigan, you’re less than 100 miles from one of the Great Lakes. If you’re in Detroit, you’re also less than 100 feet from the scene of a violent crime.
* Politician Thomas Dewey was born in Owosso, Michigan, and mentored Al Gore in how to lose a close election.
* Most snowblowers sold in Michigan are manufactured in Detroit and come with 10-year/100,000 mile warranties.
* They usually expire due to mileage.
* The name Michigan comes from the Chippewa Indian word “Mishigawa”, meaning “half my pocket change is Canadian, eh?”
* Rock & Roll legend Ted Nugent was born in Detroit, Michigan, but left the state in 1982 after he ran out of animals to kill there.
* Although the Western shore of Michigan has many large sand dunes, it has no camels as they were hunted to extinction by Ted Nugent in 1981.
* James Vernor invented Ginger Ale in his Detroit pharmacy. It’s one of the most popular drinks in the nation, except in Kansas, where it’s regularly outsold by Mary Ann Ale.
* Michigan is the only place in the world with a floating post office, which is frequently attacked by disgruntled former employees “going pirate”.
* Aviator Charles Lindbergh was born in Detroit, Michigan. His solo flight across the Atlantic in 1927 was the first recorded instance of an American being glad to arrive in France.
* Michigan has more than 11,000 lakes, all of which have – at one time or another – hidden Jimmy Hoffa.
* In the 1950′s & 60′s, the prevalence of Detroit black singing groups created the style of music known as “Motown”. Since the advent of rap, it’s been called “Mofotown”.
* In 1929, The Michigan State Police established the world’s first police radio system after inventing the chocolate glazed radio receiver.
* The state reptile of Michigan is the Painted Turtle, or – as the natives refer to it – the Crunchy Speed Bump.
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That wraps up the Michigan edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll STILL be frighteningly vulnerable to Canadian moose attacks as we explore Minnesota.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go jam out to some funky Mofotown grooves.

Yippee kay yay, Obama Voter!

Did something last night I haven’t done in a long, long time. I watched a presidential debate.
Okay, they haven’t had one in four years, but still.
I really didn’t plan on watching. I made my mind up a long time ago on this one: I will vote for the person who isn’t named Barack Obama.
So, why did I watch the debate? Wife wanted to. So, we watched the debate. Or I did. She gave it up about 30 minutes in. She doesn’t like one-sided contests unless the winning side goes by the nickname “Crimson Tide,” so she figured out the final score and called it a night. I stuck it out.
Why? I was already into it, and my team was winning. It was nice to see. From what I can tell, though, the debate seemed to change a lot of people’s minds. That’s scary. That means someone old enough to vote has lived through the last four years of Obama in the White House and six years of Democrats controlling the Senate and still thought Obama, or any Democrat, might be a viable option. I don’t get it.
But, Romney did a good job. He showed how you can politely call the president a liar and not be called a racist. Romney is pretty good at this politics thing. Heck, even though he’s a Republican, he could get votes from people in Massachusetts. Maybe even enough to be governor there. I kid!
Was it just Romney, though? Did Obama contribute to his debate loss?
No.
Obama was weak, ineffectual, and apologetic, getting all kind of numbers wrong and stuttering himself into a corner. In other words, he was Obama. That’s what his presidency has been like, and what the debate was like. So, I don’t think you can blame Obama for being Obama.
Even though I went in (and came away) with my mind made up, I did learn something. Obama gave me $3600. At least, he said he did. I still can’t find mine. Maybe Solyndra has it.
Speaking of Solyndra, I loved that line from Romney that went something like this: “You don’t pick the winners and the losers; you pick the losers.”
Obama took to blaming Bush. Essentially, he said “I inherited a dire situation. And made it worse.” Though, I really don’t think that was his intent. To say it out loud, I mean. He’s done everything he wanted to do, he just doesn’t want us to know. But we do.
Oh, and after throwing his grandmother under the bus in the 2008 campaign, Obama dragged her back out and used her as an example of someone needing Medicare. I suppose since she’s dead, Medicare doesn’t need that $700-million he’s cutting from it, so it’s all good.
The debate wasn’t close. Frank J. will have some interesting things to say about it, I’m certain. I’m still waiting to see how the Obama campaign handles the fallout of the debate. Maybe he’ll say he inherited the debate from Bush. Romney ran circles around Obama, thwarting his every move. The only thing missing was Mitt saying “Yippee kay yay, m*****f*****.”
Okay, that’s a little crude. But I think I’ll follow Terry_Jim’s suggestion and tell all the Obama supporters I see “Yippee kay yay, Obama Voter.”
To tell the truth, I did feel a little sorry for Obama about one thing: the debate was on his 20th wedding anniversary. What terrible timing to suffer Electile Dysfunction.

The Red Debate

They’re still hosing down the stage, washing all the blood off of it. I don’t know if you watched the debate last night, but it was horrific. For two hours, we watched a rich, privileged white man savagely beat and humiliate a black man as an audience of millions cheered on. It’s hard even to contemplate. Afterwards, the faces of the MSNBC anchors were covered in tears and snot as their words were barely understandable through through their weeping. “It was… a… a… tie,” Maddow muttered, barely audible. Chris Matthews just let out a loud cry reminiscent of Chewbacca in The Empire Strikes Back when the Hoth base closed the door on Han Solo. He had lost all feeling in his leg. And I can’t shake from my mind the image of Romney after the debate, completely covered in the blood of his vanquished foe such that the only thing on him that wasn’t crimson was his wide, crazed eyes and the white teeth from his hideous smile.
Who am I kidding… THAT WAS AWESOME!!!
I mean. Wow. What a catharsis. We’ve been waiting forever for someone to smack that little arrogant twerp Obama around. And who can we thank for that lovely massacre? The MSM, for keeping Obama so sheltered he had no idea how to defend his horrible record. That debate was like a hamster versus a blender. It was glorious.
And what’s next? Paul Ryan versus Joe “the middle class is buried!” Biden. This is almost mean now. I hope you love schadenfreude, because it is being served up in huge helpings.
Oh, Romney, I’m sorry I doubted you. You may have squishy principles, but your desire to be president is made of steel — steel you use to pound your enemies to goo.

40 Mainstream Media Headlines You'd See if Romney was a Democrat and Obama was a Republican

1) Mr. Fixit vs. Mr. Broke-It: The Successful CEO vs. the President Who Never Had a Real Job
2) Black Leaders on Obama: We're Still Waiting for the First Real Black President
3) Can Mitt Romney Do for Mormons What JFK Did for Catholics?
4) Experts Say Obama's Bizarre, Disconnected Behavior May Have Been Caused By His Strange Upbringing
5) The Presidency is Just the Next Logical Step in Mitt Romney's Lifetime of Service
6) Why is Barack Obama So Angry?
7) Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan: The Best Looking Combination Ever to Run for President?
8) More Deaths in Afghanistan; New Grim Milestone Reached
9) Is Mitt Romney the Only Man Who Can Fix the Damage Done to America’s Economy Over the Last Four Years?
10) Solyndra Nation: How the Taxpayers are Being Pilfered to Pay Off Obama's Political Cronies
11) Mitt Romney: Is He the Smartest Man Ever to Run for President?
12) Barack Obama: Setting Black Americans Back Fifty Years?
13) Soldiers in the Field Say They Want Romney as Their Commander-in-Chief
14) Obama: Just Not Smart Enough to be President?
15) Should Obama Even Run for Reelection?
16) Obama Golfs While Soldiers Die
17) Gold Star Mom: Obama is Responsible for my Son’s Death
18) Obama's Libyan war: Would We Be There if There Were No Oil?
19) Dog Lovers Across Country Horrified by Stories About Obama Eating Dog
20) Activists Demand That Obama Be Brought Before War Crimes Tribunal
21) Oil Industry Still Hasn’t Recovered From Obama’s Mishandling of the BP Oil Spill
22) Barack Obama: Bad for Women?
23) Is Barack Obama's Cold, Distant Personality Hurting His Re-Election Chances?
24) Middle East Situation Prompts Comparison to Iran in 1979.
25) Economy Poised to Collapse Back Into Recession in 2013
26) Only An Investigation By A Special Prosecutor Can Restore Confidence in the Justice Department
27) Barack Obama's Stunning Record of Failure: A Special 12 Part Series
28) Obama and Nixon: How Executive Orders Have Been Used To Cover Up Scandals
29) Romney Poised to Make History by Becoming First Mormon President
30) Man-on-the-Street Interviews: People Who’ve Been Jobless for a Year Weigh in on the President
31) The Pothead President: Does Having Obama in the White House Set a Good Example for America's Youth?
32) Mitt Romney: Too Good to be True?
33) Barack Obama's Deficit Spending: Does It Mean the End of the American Dream?
34) Is Criticism of Mitt Romney Based on Hatred of Mormons?
35) Republican Hopes for Obama Victory Dwindle as Grim Economic News Mounts
36) Is Romney the Last, Best Hope of America's Middle Class?
37) Historians Rank Barack Obama as Worst President in American History
38) Ann Romney: America's Mom?
39) Will Michelle Obama's Nagging About Vegetables Turn Off Voters?
40) Mitt Romney: Mother Teresa With a Bigger House?

Working on a List ...

I have been working on a list of some of the things that will happen in this country if Obama is re-elected. Here’s where I am right now ……

• Obama will achieve gun control through executive order, essentially eliminating your right to own a private hand gun.

• He will complete his erection of an economic Berlin Wall, to keep your money from fleeing his tax increases.

• Income taxes will absolutely be raised. You can count on that. But what Obama will want to achieve next is a wealth tax … that is where Obama and the Democrats will go next. The rationale: you’ve been lucky, you are fortunate, you haven’t been paying your fair share of the taxes all along, it’s time for you to pony up and help reduce this deficit. After all, that’s the “patriotic” thing to do.

• Obama will not resurrect the Fairness Doctrine, but he will manage to limit speech, particularly among haaaaaate radio, by establishing community advisory boards. These will be boards appointed by local politicians that will have a lot to say about whether or not radio station licenses are renewed. hese licenses will be up for renewal a lot more often than they are now, forcing station managers to constantly be held accountable by these politically appointed boards. You can bet that station managers will be reining in talk radio, so as to bend to the demands of these boards and keep their licenses.

That’s just for starters … Will work on this and get back to you.

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Massachusetts

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it’s time to pass out on the floor of the Kennedy compound in Massachusetts, so let’s get started…
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In 2009, this design replaced the old state flag of Massachusetts, which consisted of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.

* Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted “hardest state name to spell correctly” title.
* The state motto of Massachusetts is “The Yankees Suck!”
* The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which made Ted Kennedy’s face a protected state wilderness area.
* The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named “Mt. Whitelock” after it successfully defeated a Balrog.
* Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.
* The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning “Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw”.
* Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter “R” than a busload of Japanese tourists.
* The state song of Massachusetts is “The Theme From Brokeback Mountain”.
* Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of “Teddy and the Whiskey Factory”.
* Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.
* The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.
* The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.
* The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that’s built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.
* The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.
* Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning “crime-ridden cesspool”.
* The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.
* Why, yes, I *was* watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” while reseaching these fun facts.
* All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.
* Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, “Survivor: Plymouth”.
* Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the “One True Donut”.
* The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, “Man, woman, goat – whatever – if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here.”
* On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.
* Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn’t really count.
* Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since – being true Patriots – they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.
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Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.

The Truth About the Obamaphone

The differences between an Obamaphone and a regular phone:
* It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion.
* Every time you take a picture, it produces a grimmer image of America.
* It doesn’t have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy’s plan is.
* When it crashes, it blames your previous phone.
* All 3 AM calls go directly to voicemail.
* It has a really useless app called “Biden.”
* Pairing it with another device sucks all the energy out of the other unit.
* Type in “job search” and it gives you directions to the welfare office.
* The navigation feature covers all 57 States.
* The default ringtone for international calls is “I’m sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology.”
* The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission.
* When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak.
* Restaurant reviews are all written by Michelle Obama.
* There are never any winners on Angry Birds.
* Instagram takes two months to process a photo and you have to fill out 3 PDFs to do so.
* Paypal app is replaced with ReceivePal app.
* You can’t find “Jerusalem” on Google maps.
* It turns all your Facebook friends into enemies and all your enemies into friends.
* Don’t want to work? There’s an app for that, too.
* It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies.
* When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed.
* When you dial “home”, it calls Kenya.
* As opposed to the iPhone, it’s called the mePhone.

10 Proposals Romney Should Make to Generate Campaign Enthusiasm

It’s not enough that Romney just point out how awful Obama is… well, I guess it probably should be, since scientifically improbably to elect a worse president than Obama, but anyway, Romney needs to make so proposals of his own to inspire the American people to a better tomorrow. Here are my suggestions that should really get his campaign moving.
PROPOSALS ROMNEY SHOULD MAKE TO GENERATE CAMPAIGN ENTHUSIASM
* Reduce the average size of spiders by hunting down and making extinct whatever the largest species of spider is.
* Start a new super soldier program where we task our scientists to giving a man all the powers of Aquaman.
* Vow to defeat all other world leaders in fisticuffs.
* Each year the budget isn’t balanced, a random member of Congress gets brutally murdered.
* Invade and defeat our arch-nemesis Guam, finally putting those evil Guamians in their place.
* New law of land: Wednesday will for hence forth be known as “Nacho Day.”
* To temper the rise of vacuum cleaner robots, new three laws of robotics that all robots must be programmed to obey:
1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2) Unless the human is a Communist, because all robots must hate Communism.
3) A robot must do the robot dance when commanded, even if this violates the First Law.
* New hobo tax. No more freeloading hobos!
* Create a new national dance and make a video of it that will go even more viral than Gangnam Style.
* Move headquarters of the president from the White House to a hollowed out volcano.
Know what? Forget these for Romney. They’re all now proposals for my presidential campaign in 2016.

12 Debate Tips for Romney

The first presidential debate is Wednesday, and it’s time for Romney to win over that 0.4% of people who haven’t decided how they’re voting yet for some reason. I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but I don’t really like Obama and I want him to lose, so I thought I’d give Romney some debate tips to help him win.
DEBATE TIPS FOR ROMNEY
1. When you shake hands at the beginning of the debate, headbutt him. That’s will psych him out for the rest of it.
2. In your opening statement, say, “I plan to prove tonight beyond a reasonable doubt that Obama should be executed for treason.” Obama probably isn’t expecting a trial, so that will really throw him off.
3. Bring visual aids to help make your point. “This kitten is the economy, this bat is Obama’s economic plans…”
4. Constantly brandish a pipe while speaking. This may cause Obama to not use his attack lines out of his natural fear of being beaned with a pipe.
5. If you make a gaffe, quickly start dancing Gangnam style so people forget all about it.
6. Have a particularly delicious dog walk out on stage during the debate. If you can get Obama to attack and eat a dog on stage, that could cost him a percentage point or two.
7. To really throw Obama off his game, start slapping him when he’s trying to speak. If the moderator complains, slap him too.
8. No matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never let Obama be clear.
9. Wear a sombrero and speak like Speedy Gonzales to win over Latino voters.
10. If the debate is going poorly, request trial by combat. That may not be in the debate rules, but they might not know that.
11. Another way to psych out Obama during a debate is to fire a gun into the air and random intervals.
12. People haven’t liked the past four years; make sure to point out who was president then.