Hurricane Survival Tips

There’s a big hurricane heading towards the east coast. I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t care that much. Still I’ve lived through a few hurricanes myself and know quite a bit about them. 
HURRICANE SURVIVAL TIPS
* You can’t let a hurricane know you’re scared of it as they can smell fear and will attack it. The safest place to be when a hurricane comes is out front of your house on the lawn shaking your fist at it.
* Make sure to have a hurricane survival kit well stocked with water, beef jerky, Pixy Stix, a chinchilla, various lengths of lead pipe, The Rock on DVD, a hairnet, bear mace, a jaunty hat, and a box labeled “Hurricane Survival Kit” that’s actually filled with snakes.
* The calmest part of a storm is its eye, so if the hurricane gets really stressful, go there to relax.
* If you see Joe Biden running out and trying to lick the hurricane, don’t tackle him and drag him back to shelter; leave that to the professionals in the Secret Service.
* If you’re going to fight the hurricane, attacks its clouds; that’s the weak spot.
* While watching out for the hurricane, don’t get caught unaware by the burrowcane which digs underground and attacks from below.
* Hurricanes are really just a bunch of wind and water, so don’t act too scared of it or everyone will think you’re a sissy.
* Don’t vote for Obama.
So those are all my tips. Follow them, and you should survive the hurricane. The surest sign the hurricane is over is when you hear an ice cream truck drive by. Then run out and get yourself some ice cream as a reward for surviving the hurricane!