Now I know why Grimm is set there

I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there’s a TV show called Grimm that is set in Oregon.
The show’s alright. Little hard to follow at times with all the German critters and bogiemen running around. If you haven’t seen it, here’s the deal: All those fairy tales? They’re real. It goes on from there.
Anyway, I wondered why the show was set in Oregon. I kinda figured that the whole Twilight thing with all the gay vampires in the northwest U.S. was the inspiration. But now, I’m not so sure.
Turns out that in Wilsonville, Oregon, they’re gonna put up a memorial to 50,000 dead bumblebees.
No, I’m not making that up.
So, what are you doing this coming Sunday at 2:00 PM Left Coast Time? If you’re near Wilsonville, Oregon — that’s 25 miles south of the police station in Portland where Nick and his half-Hexenbiest captain work — you can watch a bunch of grown folks put up a monument to dead bumblebees.
I don’t know if you’ll see any Hexenbiest or Blutbaden or Fuchsbau there. But, I’m sure you’ll see a Blödmann or two.

Homophobes Were Born That Way Too

Now that the Supreme Court has shut down DOMA, the inevitable consequences must inevitably follow.  Here are some of the less publicized consequences:

• People who wear white after Labor Day will be put in the stocks and mocked mercilessly.
• This day in history will be commemorated now and forevermore as Judy Garland Day.
• Congress will declare that everyone has the right to glitter bombs.
• All federal documents will now have to be written in both English and Lisp.
• Glee will never be cancelled.
• In addition to the traditional opening prayer, church services will be required to start all meetings with a lip synch from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• Now that the fabric of society has been altered, Obama is going to have to go back and reorganize all of those communities.
• Modern Family will add polyamorous and polygamous families to the show to begin paving the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.
• George Takei will finally feel comfortable coming out of the closet and admitting that he isn’t gay after all but just really, really weird.
• Gay men will begin to demand the right to have a womb.  Its design and implantation will be covered by Obamacare.
• Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
• The National Anthem will be replaced with Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
• Brokeback Mountain Goat will receive an Oscar for best motion picture and begin paving the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.
• The wait to reserve a decent wedding chapel just got that much longer.
• Bloody fights will erupt over which of the grooms’ fathers will have to foot the bill for the wedding.
• A new industry will arise around same sex divorces and prenup agreements.
• A whole trove of legal precedents will arise concerning who has the rights to the Lady Gaga paraphernalia in a divorce.
• A new series of Twilight novels will pave the way for the next constitutional marriage challenges.

I Miss the Dream Act

So now they are debating the amnesty bill that no one has read yet either.  Guess what?  I read it.  Here are some things I bet you hadn’t heard were in it:

• For each person that gets amnesty, $25 in subsidies go to Taco Bell.
• Any card will be considered a valid work visa as long as it is green.
• Del Taco Frequent Diner cards can be used as valid ID for all government interactions.
• For each undocumented worker who becomes a legal citizen, a white republican will be catapulted across the Mexican border.
• It proclaims that Marco Rubio will be granted dictatorship of the new nation of Flori-Cali-Tex-Mexico.
• The border fence will be constructed, but in order to contain costs, it will be made by undocumented workers using the driftwood they floated upon to cross the Gulf.
• Undocumented French Canadians will be considered varmints and may be hunted at will.  The Department of the Interior will pay 25 pesos per pelt.
• To mitigate the effect on global warming, those employing formerly undocumented workers will need to pay a carbon tax to offset the increased methane production caused by the cuisine of the immigrant workers.
• The government is requiring that a minimum of 20 seatbelts be mandatory in the beds of all pickup trucks.
• All restaurants will be required to keep a mariachi band on staff.
• All firearms acquired through the Fast and Furious program will not be subject to current gun control laws.
• Obamacare will now be covering medicinal meth, heroin and cocaine.
• The term ‘anchor baby’ will now officially refer to the legal post birth aborting of babies and the processing of the bodies for maritime use, which the bill mandates.
• Menedez is granted the right of prima nocta for all current undocumented workers who enter the path to citizenship.
• All individuals currently waiting in line to legally become citizens will be given a one way bus ride to Mexico so they can sneak across the border and get in the easy line.
• For both men and women, Obamacare will require all states to cover mustache waxing.
• I can’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what this means, but there were numerous oblique references to an initiative known as Soyllento Verde (o Comemos los Gringos Blanco con Chiles).
• No penalty may be affixed to or compensation awarded for damage to life, limb or property if the damage is caused by bullets fired into the air in a celebratory manner.

Now We're Cooking with Bias

By now, I'm sure y'all have heard that The Food Network has dumped Paula Deen because of the controversy stirred up (see what I did there?) by her use of the "N word" in the past, and other alleged racial affronts.

While I don't see what all the fuss is about for using the word "nonfat," I...what? Oh, you mean the other "N word." Never mind.

Okay then, I see your point; although some, including even über-left Bill Maher, argue that the woman is a product of her upbringing, as a child in pre-integrated Georgia.

Still, I think she deserves the same degree of ostracism that others have suffered for similarly egregious indiscretions.

A few examples:

A man, born Cornelius Calvin Sale, Jr., who was once a recruiter and leader of his Ku Klux Klan chapter, later, as a youthful 47-year-old senator, filibustered the Civil Rights Act. Yes, I'm referring to the much-despised Senator Robert Byrd, the longest-serving U.S. Senator in history. After his death, he was reviled as "a very close friend of mine, one of my mentors," by, uh, Vice President Joe Biden.

Speaking of the Vice President, about a year and a half before he was publicly shamed by being chosen as his presidential running mate, he referred to then Senator Barack Obama as "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."

Another Senator was censured forced to renounce his Senate leadership position reelected after it came out that he called the presidential candidate a "light-skinned" African-American "with no negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."

I'm beginning to think there's some selective outrage over the use of particular words. Spelling seems to play a part.

For instance, the current administration apparently doesn't have a problem with inviting someone to the White House like Jay-Z, who rose to fame with songs like "Jigga That N***a" and "N***a What, N***a Who."

Perhaps the rejection of certain entities has more to do with intent, actions and threats, rather than just words.

The President doesn't seem to have any qualms about giving F-16 fighter jets and hundreds of advanced, M1A1 Abrams tanks to a country whose "moderate" leader openly calls Jews “descendants of apes and pigs.”

And now we're sending arms and rocket launchers to Syrian rebels—you know, like the ones who just recently beheaded a Christian man and fed his body to dogs, and the "well known rebel fighter" who was filmed cutting out and eating the heart of a government soldier. Now that there's a hole in their programming, he should get in touch with The Food Network. "Eat Your Heart Out, with Abu Sakkar."

I wonder if Michelle Obama will want to revise her healthy eating campaign to be more inclusive.

Maybe I'm just completely confused as to what delineates racism from acceptable cultural differences.

In any case, it seems The Food Network is simply not an appropriate venue for the evil, racist Paula Deen. I've heard that the ratings of a certain "news" network are languishing. Perhaps MSNBC would consider revamping its lineup, replacing the eminent egalitarian Al Sharpton with a cooking show:

Secrets…….

So Snowden’s been in Hong Kong spilling his guts for a while now, and my sources in the Orient have finally been able to leak back to me the horrifying secrets he has been sharing, secrets the Obama administration really don’t want to have get out.  So, of course, I’m gonna leak on the leaker.  Here are the secrets he has been divulging to the Chinese:

• KFC’s eleven herbs and spices.
• The secret to phonetic spelling.
• Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
• That Obamacare won’t really bend the cost curve down.
• Nuclear weapons made from nibbled Pop Tarts are just as dangerous as the real thing.
• Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost the whole time.
• Obama’s college transcripts.
• The unpublished transcript of his girlfriend’s new book: Pole Dancing for Dummies.
• The fact that MSG can cause an affinity for bad kung fu movies, nasal hemorrhoids, poor driving, sallow skin, permanent squinting, and a loathing of freedom and civil liberties.
• The President’s secret recipe for Twice-Jacked Terrier.
• An unusual exchange of erotic text messages between Michelle Obama, the Dog Whisperer, Anthony Weiner, Bo and Ron Jeremy.
• A folder from Barack’s child psychologist in Kenya containing 93 failed attempts to draw that turtle to get into art school and the terse diagnosis that this failure at art may lead him toward narcissistic tyranny.  The recommendation: for Allah’s sake, get him the heck out of Kenya.
• Receipts indicating that the Obama’s have been consistently seeking the consultation of a witch doctor and paying with federal funds, and the dates coincide with a rash of headless corpses discovered throughout the federal triangle.
• Michelle refused to allow Barack to attend the screening of the new Star Trek movie because it portrayed Klingons in an unfavorable light.
• Dragons aren’t real.
• That Mr. Presley and Mr. Jackson really don’t care for their new roommate, Mr. Laden, mostly because Mr. Laden insists Ms. Nicole Smith wears a burka………and he keeps threatening to kill them, the filthy infidels.
• That Barack has no idea what it means to organize a community either.
• Confused about the meaning of the term ‘whistleblower,’ a disguised Joe Biden was rebuffed when he showed up at Valerie Plame’s door and introduced himself as Mr. Whistle.
• The rough draft of Barack’s autobiography entitled: Sleeper-in-Chief.
• They can keep ignoring the Kyoto Protocol since the globe isn’t really warming.
• The official state department policy is that there will be no repercussions or retaliation if the Chinese kidnap Justin Beiber on his Asian tour.
• Shhhhhhhhh.  The Kardashians don’t really have any talent.
• Michelle almost moved out of the White House because she thought Barack was cheating on her when she found lipstick on his ho-slapping hand.  Turns out it was just from Barney Frank kissing his ring.  Similar lipstick markings were found on his tush.

We Are All Berliners Now

Thankfully, Obama has left the country for a while and visited Berlin.  Here are some tidbits about his trip to Germany that I bet you haven’t read in the mainstream media.  You can thank my man in State for these, as usual.

• Obama began his speech by claiming to be a jelly donut.  He was speaking English.
• He kept referring to himself as the First Black Fuhrer.
• He apologized to Germany for America’s role in causing WWI and WWII.
• He boldly stood up and suggested that Mr. Putin rebuild that wall. 
• He asked Angela Merkel if she would give him a quick peak behind her iron curtain.
• He tried to defect to East Germany, but was unable to since he couldn’t locate it with his GPS.
• As an act of goodwill, he promised the German people that America would return the ark to them.
• As he was approaching the podium, he had the band play, “Springtime for Hitler.” 
• While visiting the death camps, he asked the tour guides for schematics and design specifics, ‘just in case.’
• Everywhere he went, he kept dropping little handwritten notes that said, “The Jews really are controlling me.  Help.”
• Also whenever he visited the death camps, he kept making the same old inappropriate comment: “I always like to look for the good in any situation.  I bet somewhere in all those mass graves there was a necrophiliac playing dead and just having the time of his life.”

I got an update for my computer. From Java.

I got an update for my computer. From Java.
I am so over Java. I’m beginning to not have bad feelings about Microsoft, that’s how so far over Java I am.
And Adobe. Oh my goodness.
Every time I turn around, there’s another update for Java or for Adobe. When are these people ever gonna get it right?
Sure, updates are needed from time to time on anything. But, when the update is an improvement to functionality, that’s one thing. But constant security updates? That’s crazy.
Don’t turn this into a Windows vs OS X vs Linux vs whatever debate. The problem I’m talking about isn’t the operating system. You see, these Java updates? They happen on all the systems. Adobe updates? All platforms need them. Oh, yeah, there are others, but these are the two I see the most on varying systems. And, more often than not, it seems, it’s a security update.
That makes me wonder: how secure are we?
Why do we need all these plugins anyway? Why couldn’t Microsoft or Apple go ahead and include that functionality in the operating system to begin with? Well, they do. Only, they aren’t compatible.
If you’re running Windows, Microsoft included support for WMV files: Windows Media Player. If you’re running OS X, Apple included support for MOV files: QuickTime. And, out of the box, they are incompatible. Sure, you can get plugins to play WMV files on OS X and plugins to play MOV files on Windows, but there we go with plugins again. It’s not core OS functionality.
Then, we all get caught up in things like Java or Adobe products. But Java, after all its original hype and promise turned out to be nothing more than a way for hackers to get into your computer. Well, maybe it’s more than that, but it’s certainly opened many computers up to nefarious individuals.
Flash is the same way. Though Flash didn’t originate with Adobe, Adobe bought out Macromedia and added Flash to its stable of unstable products. And Flash, while not as vulnerable to outsiders as Java, will beat your system’s resources to a pulp, eventually locking it up or causing you to reboot before it does.
Flash is the devil. As is Java. And we invited them into our homes and onto our computers.
Say what you will about Apple, their move to reject Flash on their mobile devices (iOS) was eventually followed by Android (latest two versions). That means that the vast majority of mobile devices won’t play Flash content. And, as older versions of Android (that do support Flash) are replaced by current versions, the percentage of Flash-enabled mobile devices gets smaller and smaller. And that’s a good thing.
Flash and Java are like Obamacare: they promise great things, but really can’t deliver on those promises. Or, when they do, the cost is too great.
Maybe I’m just getting old. Or even more old. I think I’ll go yell at the kids to get off my lawn. And for Java and Adobe to get off my computer.

More inappropriate questions the IRS asked groups they did not like.

1, Explain the purpose of your group and what you hope to accomplish with half the citizenry and the entire weight of the government against you.

2. We think you should change the name of your group from “The West Sitzfield Tea Party Patriot Group” to “The Ignorant Knuckle-dragging Gun-clinging Bible-thumping Tea-baggers of West Sitzfield.” Okay with you?
3. Describe the prayers your group engages in and the sacrifices you intend to make.
4. Do you have any friends in Congress we should know about?
5. Why does your organization hate America?
6. Solve for x:

6x-7 + 3x-5 = 5x + 78
4         7           28

7. Name all the signers of the Declaration of Independence and their shoe sizes.
8. Who put the bomp (in the bomp bomp bomp)?
9. Submit all medical receipts for the last 10 years (the IRS will be taking over your medical care shortly).
10. What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Show all work.
11. What does your organization plan to do to raise money? Because bake sales are right out. (Executive Order re: Office of the First Lady)
12. To which Higher Power will your group’s prayers be directed? 
___ the state  
___ Mammon  
___some lesser being
13. What is that which in the morning goeth upon four feet; upon two feet in the afternoon; and in the Evening upon three?
14. Watch the Star Trek and Gilligan’s Island parodies made by our staff with $60,000 of taxpayer money. What did you think?
___Great
___Excellent
___Superb
___Worth every penny
___I do not wish to get my group’s tax status approved in this lifetime
15. Provide a complete list of your donors, their middle names, their pets, and an inventory of their guns and sharp objects.
16. Why does your organization hate the president? Are they racists?
17. Do you like gladiator movies?
18. Who wrote the book of love?
19. What do you intend to do with all the money you raise? Submit receipts for all purchases in advance of your making them.
20. What have I got in my pocket?
21. Where oh where has my little dog gone?
22. How does your organization intend to meet? Church basement socials? That’s so lame.
23. Wouldn’t your oxygen be better used by someone more committed to the same values as the IRS?
24. Describe the violence your group intends to commit.
25. What are you wearing?
26. If this blows up in our faces, you will remember that it’s all Cincinnati’s fault, right?

Sacred Ground

Anybody hear Nancy Pelosi say, as a "practicing and respectful Catholic," that late-term abortion is, to her, "Sacred Ground?"

I couldn't believe it. Does she really think that late-term abortion is compatible with Catholic doctrine? Can this woman, the most politically powerful woman in the history of the country, really be that mindbogglingly stupid?

Yes. Yes she can.

I researched a little and found a few other interesting things that Nancy Dearest thinks are compatible with Catholic doctrine.

Free contraceptives for everyone

Sleeping through mass

Gargling with Communion wine

Communion wafer Frisbee

Demonizing people who disagree with her as hateful

Socialism

Communism

Drowning kittens in the lake

The NAMBLA lifestyle

Capping income with a 100% marginal tax rate

Wearing white after Labor Day

Pooping on Police Cars

Living high on the taxpayers' dime

Legislating idiocy

Passing laws to find out what's in them

Drinking heavily while on the job

Teargassing Tea Partiers

Worship of Baal

Also Moloch

Sacrificing conservatives to Kali

Kneeling before Zod

Teaching kids that their parents are idiots

Lying

Cheating

Stealing

Adultery

Bearing False Witness

Fostering envy because, Fairness

15 Fun Facts About Father’s Day

Time once again to honor fathers everywhere and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.
Since you’re probably not familiar with the holiday, allow me to enlighten you:
______________

Typical American Father’s Day celebration.

1) Father’s Day was invented in 1909 by Sonora Dodd who got the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon, during which she realized that that her own father – a widower farmer left alone to raise his six kids – deserved more crappy neckties.
2) There are an estimated 70 million fathers in the United States, all of whom own single-handled ceramic proof that they are the country’s #1 Dad.
3) The first presidential proclamation honoring fathers was issued in 1966 when President Lyndon Johnson designated the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day, figuring if he couldn’t get away to play golf, why should anyone else?
4) Father’s Day in America has been officially celebrated annually since 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed the public law that made it permanent, which explains the traditional “Father’s Day 18 Minutes of Silence.”
5) Worst Father’s Day gift ever: watching your son get Force Lightninged by your boss.
6) The most popular Internet search connected to the day is “Father’s Day crafts,” which, surprisingly, is the only Google image search that will not return pictures of frolicking lesbians.
7) The official Father’s Day flower is the rose, which most men consider the perfect gift as long as it’s sticking out of the chuck of a DeWalt cordless drill.
8) In Australia, Father’s Day is celebrated on the first Sunday in September. Traditionally, Australian fathers spend the day killing crocodiles with their bare hands. Much like every day in Australia.
9) Nearly 95 million Father’s Day cards were given last year in the United States, making Father’s Day the fourth-largest card-sending occasion. All theses card together could fill a 1-acre hole that’s 100 feet deep. The Monday after Father’s Day, they usually do.
10) Sons and daughters send 50% of the Father’s Day cards. 30% are purchased by wives for their husbands. The other 20% are handed to unsuspecting men by women during a pause after they’ve just said “Guess what?”
11) Scientific research proves that the best gift for Father’s Day is to buy Dad a bucket of golf balls. Then dump out the golf balls and fill the bucket with steak.
12) Aftershave is a very popular Father’s Day gift. Look for the kind with the little ship on the bottle that says “Cutty Sark.”
13) There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year. Usually from fathers who got too drunk at a strip club and need bail money.
14) Hallmark produces over 800 card designs for Father’s Day, none of which will bring your father the same joy as receiving a subscription to Playboy, since Hallmark Cards lack insightful articles.
15) Although some people say it’s hard to find the perfect Father’s Day gift, you’ll be safe if your gift either runs on electricity, burns, or explodes. Try not to combine these.
______________
Why are you still reading this? Go fetch the old man a beer, already.
Sheesh. You are SUCH a disappointment.

Private Prophetry

To calm the many people who are upset that the government is using invasive methods to collect anti-terror information from every source in America, the Whitehouse has made it clear that this is not the case - because they're not collecting data from mosques.

That's right - in the push to uncover radical Islamic acts of terror before they take place, the government has decided that political correctness forbids having the FBI focus attention on those places radical Islamists are most likely to be.

Mind you, the government used to create sting operations within mosques to see if anyone was interested in blowing American innocents to hell and gone. But there was a serious problem: the program worked, disrupting many jihadist terror plots. So the ACLU and the Council on American-Islamic Relations (one of those "apolitical" organizations the IRS actually favors with tax-exempt status) sued the FBI to create a "hands off" policy - which is ironically the same policy practiced by amateur bombmakers if they can't tell the red wire from the blue wire.

The FBI is now on such a short leash (a choker chain that formerly belonged to Barack Obama's alleged dog, Bo) that following the Boston Marathon Bombing, the bureau didn't even take the security camera pictures of the Tsarneav brothers to local mosques for possible identification...out of fear that it would seem insensitive and (even worse) fear that it would reveal that Muslims really were behind the terror.

And so, the government continues to mount the largest and most expensive intelligence gathering operation in history, excluding only those people most likely to be the ones they're looking for.

Which raises two important questions: why then is the government spying on the rest of us and why, in the bloody aftermath of Ft. Hood, does the government of Barack Hussein Obama still place a higher value on political correctness than saving American lives?

20 Basic Truths You Can’t Talk About in America Anymore

1) People who want to change sexes should be treated by a psychologist, not deformed through surgery, given hormone treatments, and falsely told that they can change sexes.
2) Most people who remain poor over the long haul in America stay that way because of their own poor life choices.
3) Most black Americans are good and decent people, but percentage wise there are more black Americans in jail because percentage wise, black Americans commit a lot more crimes than white Americans.
4) As often as not in America, the people claiming to be "victims" are the real bullies and they don't deserve anyone's sympathy.
5) The reason most politicians in D.C. are shameless liars with no character is because most Americans will knowingly choose a shameless liar with no character who says what they want to hear over an honest man with morals who tells them the hard truths they'd rather ignore.
6) Illegal aliens are foreigners who knowingly broke the law to come here and Americans owe them even less than we owe other foreigners living in China, Sweden, or El Salvador because at least those people didn't break our laws.
7) Life begins at conception and having an abortion is no morally different than strangling your baby in the crib.
8) Most liberals aren't patriotic and they don't love their country.
9) Our soldiers should make every effort to avoid civilian casualties, but when it comes right down to it, the life of an American soldier should be treated as more important than the life of a foreign civilian.
10) We'd be better off as a society if the people who are ignorant, ill informed, or who really don't care one way or another, didn't vote.
11) The only practical way to make peace between the Israelis and Palestinians is for the Israelis to transfer the Palestinians and take their land.
12) This is a Christian nation that has been successful because it adopted Christian principles and the more we move away from that, the worse off we will be as a nation.
13) Men are just generally better at some things than women, just as women are just generally better at some things than men are.
14) "Racism" used to be a big deal in America, but these days the people who cry racism are usually phonies trying to gain a political advantage or deflect from ethical shortcomings or poor performance.
15) Long term, the only way our country can pay its bills is by asking everyone who's not dirt poor to pay as much in taxes to the government as they're given in services if they want to continue to receive those services.
16) Nine times out of ten, a mother and father will do a considerably better job of raising a child than a single mother, a single father, two gay parents or their grandparents.
17) The Boy Scouts could never survive gay scoutmasters because no parents with a brain in their head are sending their male, teenage boy out in the woods alone with a gay man who may very well be attracted to him, just as the parents of Girl Scouts wouldn't want to send their teenage daughter out alone in the woods with a straight adult who might secretly be savoring the opportunity to have her alone.
18) People who are homeless over the long term are overwhelmingly mentally ill or have substance abuse problems and the only thing we can really do to help them is round them up, put them into halfway houses and force them to get treatment in spite of themselves.
19) If you have good character, you should feel ashamed of taking food stamps, taking welfare, or being on a school lunch program.
20) We would be much better off as a nation if most of the immigrants to this country were well educated people from nations in Europe that shared our Western values as opposed to our current policy which brings in mostly less educated people from Third World nations.

Flag Day: 15 Fun Facts About the American Flag

Although most people know today is Flag Day (except for hippies, liberals, and other people who run no risk of ever facing an IRS audit), not everyone is fully up to speed on the wonderousness that is the American flag.
Good thing you’ve got me around to upgrade your sub-standard knowledge base:
______________

Much like being struck down by Darth Vader, if an American flag bites you, you shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

1) The American flag was invented in 1777 by Betsy Ross. At the time, the flag of the fledgling nation had only 13 stars because the rich wouldn’t pay their fair share to buy more.
2) America is the only country that’s ever changed its flag voluntarily, instead of being forced to change after being conquered by maple leaves like a bunch of cowardly weaklings [*looks north, spits*]
3) In 1795, flag designers intended to put extra stripes (alternating red and white) for each new state. The futility of this plan was pointed out in Benjamin Franklin’s satirical picture book, “Where’s Flagdo?”
4) Even after the South seceded from the Union, President Lincoln would not allow any star to be removed from the American flag, although he briefly considered replacing Confederate state stars with bright orange 1969 Dodge Chargers with “01″ door decals.
5) The current 50-star version of the American flag has remained unchanged for 52 years now, the longest of any design. We will never have a 51st state, since 3 rows of 17 stars would just look dumb.
6) In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, a DC Comics writer would get repeatedly punched in the face for coming up with yet another stupid, unpatriotic plot line.
7) The colors of the American flag each have their own meaning. Red is for Valor, white is for Purity, and blue is for Justice. Most true Americans, however, agree that there is an invisible fourth color called “Sfik,” which represents how much better America is than other countries.
8) When displaying an American flag, it should always be lighted. Acceptable light sources include sunlight, halogen bulbs, and rockets’ red glare.
9) When folded properly, the American flag is shaped like a triangle with only the stars showing. Folded improperly, the only stars you can see are the ones around your head after you get the beating you so righteously deserve for screwing it up.
10) When an honor-worthy American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff out of respect. When President Obama dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
11) It’s generally considered unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it’s actually made in America. However it really doesn’t matter where the flag was originally made, as long as it eventually flies over the bullet-riddled corpses of our enemies.
12) While the French flag has the same colors as the American flag, it is still deemed technically inferior, since they only ever actually use the white part.
13) The only time you should burn an American flag is when it can’t be fixed or if becomes dirty beyond cleaning. For example, when it has touched the ground or a hippie.
14) A common nickname for the American flag is “Old Glory.” Ditto Gloria Steinem.
15) Although most American flags are made from cotton, scientists agree that the best American flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
______________
And remember, if you see an American flag flying upside down, it means someone’s in distress. Or that they missed that Sesame Street episode about “top” and “bottom

Where are the Snowdens of Yesteryear?

Ladies and Gentlemen, we live in a house divided.

I think it is pretty clear at this point that the (whether-duly-elected-or-not) actual in-fact current President of these United States is a traitor who has conspired and collaborated with America's enemies - namely but not limited to Al-Qaeda, because we're talking both "foreign" and "domestic" enemies here.

This is a bit bigger than First Lieutenant Milo Minderbinder bombing his own squadron at Pianosa (if you haven't heard about that, don't worry - you didn't miss a memo, you missed a fantastic book and/or a fine movie), and that it is entirely possible our laws are not up to the task of solving this problem.

It has been said before, by people far wiser than me, that our country can survive anything but treason - and various smart guys (and likely gals too) have been saying this from our very founding.

So what's next?

Well, just to backtrack a bit, today's (Sunday, June 9, 2013) press epileptic fit* is brought to you courtesy of 29-year-old executive spooksperson Edward Snowden, (there's a huge "Catch-22" double entendre there, but I'm going to skip it for the moment) who decided:

"The government has granted itself power it is not entitled to. There is no public oversight. The result is people like myself have the latitude to go further than they are allowed to."

He skipped out to Hong Kong, then leaked some carefully chosen (I'm taking his word on this) NSA documents to The Guardian, the general gist of which is an announcement which states, in part (I'm summarizing, of course):

"NSA TO ALL AMERICANS: What 4th Amendment? We OWN You. We're In Charge. We Can Ruin You. We Can Watch You Type. We Can Watch Ideas Form In Your Mind. We Can Even Falsely Plant Onto Your Computer Rude Material Keln Probably Doesn't Want Spelled Out In Detail Because Of The Family Nature Of This Blog But Please Understand We're Reallly Really Good At Doing This Kind Of Thing And It Definitely Involves People Who Have Not Reached The Legal Age Of Consent - Not Even In Louisiana, Even Between Cousins - Having Unmentionable Acts Inflicted Upon Them By Unspeakably Evil People. Someone Must Be Slacking - I Can't Believe We Let You Finish Typing All That!"

Which, of course, made me wonder: "Is this Snowden guy essentially some kind of civil libertarian hero for exposing the massive NSA underhandedness, OR is he a player/pawn in the ongoing scandalanche apparently meant to distract from Benghazi and the (IMHO very likely) apparent high-treason committed by our country's highest office holder?  Or both?"  And then, of course, I had to start Googling "Catch-22" quotes because it has been a horrendous number of decades since I last read the thing, and besides it's odds-on the NSA already knows I like the book...

MEANWHILE over at Breitbart, there's an interesting side-issue brewing:

A senior Senate staffer agreed telling Breitbart News, "Senators and staff all use Verizon phones. So the executive branch is monitoring the meta data of the Senate. This seems like a violation of the Speech and Debate Clause of the Constitution."

Really, dude, ya think?

The clue here seems to be that Obama would RATHER have to fight this battle than have people delve into the whole Benghazi mess.

Which brings me back to the topic at hand, and if you've forgotten what that is here's a reminder:  A House Divided Cannot Stand.

If there's a big calamitous crash-n-burn in our society, which frankly seems to be scheduled and in fact rushing toward us, the historical norm would be for numerous disparate groups to rally around various strong-man type leaders, "Road to Serfdom"-style. 

This will happen. I obviously don't know when, or to what degree, but it will happen.

AT THAT POINT it will be vitally important to act like - TO BE AMERICANS.  To be the "Exception" which defines "American Exceptionalism". It will be important to stand up and say:

"NO!  We are going to return to our founding principles, and we - within our lifetimes - will NOT allow the Marxists, the statists, the totalitarians, to seize power again!
And we will teach our children the same.
And we will teach our children to shoot."

The question that matters is - will we win?

Despite being better armed, more disciplined, and far more ethical, we have one gigantic disadvantage - and it is a disadvantage I feel we cannot abandon while remaining true to ourselves. It is this:

We are lawful.

We're the ones who want to change the system by working through the system, not by burning it all down.

We are law-abiders. We are law-keepers.

And look who we've now got creating, controlling, and interpreting our laws.

Our enemies know they have us on the horns of this dilemma.

I don't have a ready-made solution.  Feel free to offer suggestions as to what you think are valid and ethical courses of action, because our country is in bigger trouble than any of us - including me - currently know.

---

Title Reference: 
I've always been a fan of Joseph Heller's "Catch-22".  Edward Snowden apparently doesn't expect to see his family again, or probably even survive.  In "Catch-22" a young airman named Snowden is killed in the main character Yossarian's plane while they were on a bombing mission. Yossarian came out "covered in Snowden".
It would be an understatement to say this impacts the entire narrative action re: Yossarian - but there... I said it.

To quote from the Urban Dictionary (in its entirety for this entry except where edited for family-friendliness):

"Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"
   
A question posed by Yossarian in Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 to find out why so many people were working so hard to kill him.

This seemingly rhetorical question is what one asks when one feels that everyone else is asking stupid questions and one wants to join in and/or point out how obviously stupid their questions are. Or, merely, because one wants to find out why so many people are working so hard to kill oneself.

Yossarian was a collector of good questions and had used them to disrupt the educational sessions Clevinger had once conducted two nights a week in Captain Black's intelligence tent with the corporal in eyeglasses who everybody knew was probably a subversive. Captain Black knew he was a subversive because he wore eyeglasses and used words like panacea and utopia, and because he disapproved of Adolf Hitler, who had done such a great job of combating unAmerican activities in Germany.

Yossarian attended the education sessions because he wanted to find out why so many people were working so hard to kill him. A handful of other men were also interested, and the questions were many and good when Clevinger and the subversive corporal finished and made the mistake of asking if there were any.

“Who is Spain?”

“Why is Hitler?”

“When is right?”

“Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?”

“How was Trump at Munich?”

“Hi-ho beriberi!”

and all rang out in rapid succession, and then there was Yossarian with the question that had no answer:

“Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?”

 * No disrespect is intended towards actual sufferers of epilepsy - I use the term in the figurative sense only.

What Scandals Could Possibly Be Left

So Scandalanche continues unabated. We thought we hit the tail end of it, and then we find out about the mass phone monitoring and now the mass internet monitoring. For all I know, the government could be coming in here and editing my posts. [We don't do that. -NSA]
This stuff is so bad, the New York Times(!) actually said, “The administration has now lost all credibility.” Man, I thought nothing short of Obama personally murdering the families of the NYTimes staff could get them to condemn him, but apparently there is a limit.
Except, the NYTimes has walked it back a bit and changed the line to “The administration has now lost all credibility on this issue.” Well, for one of the most mindlessly partisan organizations out there, baby steps.
So what’s left? There can’t be more scandals, can there? It doesn’t seem like this is ending, though. So here’s some guesses on what the next scandal will be:
POSSIBLE NEXT SCANDALS FOR OBAMA
* Despite him not being a U.S. citizen, Obama attempted to audit the pope.
* Obama briefly joined al Qaeda with his buddy Bill Ayers.
* Obama threatened to bomb Australia if they wouldn’t give him a pet koala.
* Obama’s job council is really just his Choom Gang reunion.
* Sandra Fluke is just Obama in a wig and makeup.
* Any time Obama visits Mexico, he works as a coyote on the way back.
* To balance the numbers on the Affordable Care Act, Obama looked into reinstating slavery.
* Part of Obama’s 2012 fundraising was selling nuclear secrets to North Korea.
* All major decisions in the administration are made by Joe Biden, or, if he’s unavailable, a baby hedgehog.
* All the intelligence leaks are from Obama’s split personality, Amabo.
* Obama founded the Black Eyed Peas.

For a Pocketfull of Mumbles

Darrel Issa recently said that Jay Carney is a "paid liar"….I wish he wouldn't make such unfounded statements.  There's no actual proof that I'm aware of that Mr. Carney gets paid anything.

If he is paid actual money for being a liar, it raises all kinds of questions.  

For instance, I wonder whether he gets paid:

    •  By the lie

    •  By the number of times he has to change the lie

    •  By the magnitude of the crime he's lying about

    •  Would he get paid by the hour, or what?  

    •  Maybe he gets paid on some kind of scale that increases the more     imagination he has to use?               

    •  Does he get some kind of bonus for lying about lying?  

    •  Is there some kind of trade union for this line of work?  Something like the 
       IBOPL?

    •  Is there some kind of secret handshake for liars?  If there was would he lie
       about it?

    •  Can you copyright a lie?

    •  Does he get paid royalties if somebody else repeats the lie?

    •  Could he copyright the phrase: "To Carney Up"? 

The guy ought to be a millionaire by now.

I Swear I'm Not Racist

Recently I was eating dinner with friends at the best restaurant named for a sailor with a speech impediment and a rail thin girlfriend that another mentally handicapped man keeps trying to steal away.

If you still didn't pick up what I was layin down, I was at Popeyes fried chicken. When I hit my second piece like Jay Carney hits his CIA approved talking points I realized something. Barack Obama is a lot like fried chicken. When you see both of them your mouth starts to water and they are all you think about, but once you get inside, you realize its not really that good. You only really like the crispy skin.

 

 

At least I'm assuming his skin is crispy. For some reason he's never returned my letters asking him about it, and what his hair smells like. What a jerk!

To the uneducated this may sound like I'm being racist because I just compared a black man to fried chicken, but I have to remind you that he's half white, and I'm almost all white... so he and I have more in common than me and Al Sharpton. So that's something right?

All I'm sayin, is if you're an Obama supporter out there. Do you actually like fried chicken, or just the crispy part. If you're like me, you know the answer.

 

Also, I don't like Obama at all, I just wanted to be as racist sounding as possible. I think its my new thing.

 

Obama in the Time of Clinton

So Bill Clinton thought Obama was “incompetent” before Obama’s reelection. Thanks for the heads up, dude!
I never got the feeling that Bill Clinton had the country’s well-being at the top of his list of priorities… but it was somewhere on the list at least. Below him getting reelected, of course. And since he made a deal with the incompetent Obama to help Hillary, I guess it’s below getting his wife elected — which is kind of sweet. Of course, who knows what Hillary has on Bill.
For Obama, though, it’s never seemed like the country’s well-being made his short list. He’s got his political future, his inept attempts at a legacy, all his big left-wing schemes he’s trying to push through — but all the stuff really affecting this country like the economy, jobs, and gas prices have never been able to get his attention for very long. Of course, I wonder how Obama would have done in the more frivolous times of the Bill Clinton presidency. With that un-burst dot com bubble, we were just hemorrhaging money for a while. That’s a situation when people are probably more willing to focus on silly liberal ideas as they don’t have real problems to contend with — but also feeling less like they need big new government programs. Still, the lesson of Bill Clinton is that Democrats do best when we don’t have actual problems to deal with. It’s like a Chihuahua is fine if you’re not worried about home security — useless and annoying as it is — but you don’t put it in charge of guarding a junkyard.

We Will Get Our Answers

Know what I love about our massive government? When something goes wrong, it’s so easy to find out who was behind it.
But seriously, everyone in the IRS seems to be refusing to answer where the orders to target the Tea Party came from. Well, I’ll tell you what to do. These are government employees. When they were given power over others in the government, this should have been balanced out by a lost of some of their rights, i.e., it should be perfectly okay to take them in a back room and waterboard them until they tell us absolutely everything. I mean, really, you think you in the IRS can just forcefully take my money and then not owe me straight answers to absolutely every question asked of your job? I want all that information squeezed out of them through any means necessary and then have them deported to a special colony in Antarctica where we never have to look at any of them ever again.
Of course, you know what the Democrats’ answer to all this is: We need to give the IRS more money. Yes, we just need to throw money at them and hope that works as a bribe to stop them from trampling our rights. And similarly, we need to make sure we give muggers more money so maybe they’ll stop brutalizing us.
Sorry, there is only one thing they should get more of: beatings. If they think they can wield the power of the government against us and not be answerable to us in the United States of America, then I say no mercy for them. If I don’t soon hear the anguished cries of IRS employees, then are elected officials are useless.