Secrets…….

So Snowden’s been in Hong Kong spilling his guts for a while now, and my sources in the Orient have finally been able to leak back to me the horrifying secrets he has been sharing, secrets the Obama administration really don’t want to have get out.  So, of course, I’m gonna leak on the leaker.  Here are the secrets he has been divulging to the Chinese:

• KFC’s eleven herbs and spices.
• The secret to phonetic spelling.
• Darth Vader is Luke’s father.
• That Obamacare won’t really bend the cost curve down.
• Nuclear weapons made from nibbled Pop Tarts are just as dangerous as the real thing.
• Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost the whole time.
• Obama’s college transcripts.
• The unpublished transcript of his girlfriend’s new book: Pole Dancing for Dummies.
• The fact that MSG can cause an affinity for bad kung fu movies, nasal hemorrhoids, poor driving, sallow skin, permanent squinting, and a loathing of freedom and civil liberties.
• The President’s secret recipe for Twice-Jacked Terrier.
• An unusual exchange of erotic text messages between Michelle Obama, the Dog Whisperer, Anthony Weiner, Bo and Ron Jeremy.
• A folder from Barack’s child psychologist in Kenya containing 93 failed attempts to draw that turtle to get into art school and the terse diagnosis that this failure at art may lead him toward narcissistic tyranny.  The recommendation: for Allah’s sake, get him the heck out of Kenya.
• Receipts indicating that the Obama’s have been consistently seeking the consultation of a witch doctor and paying with federal funds, and the dates coincide with a rash of headless corpses discovered throughout the federal triangle.
• Michelle refused to allow Barack to attend the screening of the new Star Trek movie because it portrayed Klingons in an unfavorable light.
• Dragons aren’t real.
• That Mr. Presley and Mr. Jackson really don’t care for their new roommate, Mr. Laden, mostly because Mr. Laden insists Ms. Nicole Smith wears a burka………and he keeps threatening to kill them, the filthy infidels.
• That Barack has no idea what it means to organize a community either.
• Confused about the meaning of the term ‘whistleblower,’ a disguised Joe Biden was rebuffed when he showed up at Valerie Plame’s door and introduced himself as Mr. Whistle.
• The rough draft of Barack’s autobiography entitled: Sleeper-in-Chief.
• They can keep ignoring the Kyoto Protocol since the globe isn’t really warming.
• The official state department policy is that there will be no repercussions or retaliation if the Chinese kidnap Justin Beiber on his Asian tour.
• Shhhhhhhhh.  The Kardashians don’t really have any talent.
• Michelle almost moved out of the White House because she thought Barack was cheating on her when she found lipstick on his ho-slapping hand.  Turns out it was just from Barney Frank kissing his ring.  Similar lipstick markings were found on his tush.