I Miss the Dream Act

So now they are debating the amnesty bill that no one has read yet either.  Guess what?  I read it.  Here are some things I bet you hadn’t heard were in it:

• For each person that gets amnesty, $25 in subsidies go to Taco Bell.
• Any card will be considered a valid work visa as long as it is green.
• Del Taco Frequent Diner cards can be used as valid ID for all government interactions.
• For each undocumented worker who becomes a legal citizen, a white republican will be catapulted across the Mexican border.
• It proclaims that Marco Rubio will be granted dictatorship of the new nation of Flori-Cali-Tex-Mexico.
• The border fence will be constructed, but in order to contain costs, it will be made by undocumented workers using the driftwood they floated upon to cross the Gulf.
• Undocumented French Canadians will be considered varmints and may be hunted at will.  The Department of the Interior will pay 25 pesos per pelt.
• To mitigate the effect on global warming, those employing formerly undocumented workers will need to pay a carbon tax to offset the increased methane production caused by the cuisine of the immigrant workers.
• The government is requiring that a minimum of 20 seatbelts be mandatory in the beds of all pickup trucks.
• All restaurants will be required to keep a mariachi band on staff.
• All firearms acquired through the Fast and Furious program will not be subject to current gun control laws.
• Obamacare will now be covering medicinal meth, heroin and cocaine.
• The term ‘anchor baby’ will now officially refer to the legal post birth aborting of babies and the processing of the bodies for maritime use, which the bill mandates.
• Menedez is granted the right of prima nocta for all current undocumented workers who enter the path to citizenship.
• All individuals currently waiting in line to legally become citizens will be given a one way bus ride to Mexico so they can sneak across the border and get in the easy line.
• For both men and women, Obamacare will require all states to cover mustache waxing.
• I can’t speak Spanish, so I don’t know what this means, but there were numerous oblique references to an initiative known as Soyllento Verde (o Comemos los Gringos Blanco con Chiles).
• No penalty may be affixed to or compensation awarded for damage to life, limb or property if the damage is caused by bullets fired into the air in a celebratory manner.