Thanks to the Affordable Care Act…

… witch doctors are making a comeback.

… Canadians will choose to get their health care in Canada.

… the NSA won’t be the only agency with all my personal information.

… the only doctors in my network are Dr. Pepper, Dr. Scholl, and Doc Marten.

… Sandra Fluke can have all the sex she wants and never be punished with a baby.

… youngsters will find out what it was like for their great-grandparents growing up in the 1930s.

… we’ve learned the president can lie to us and it’s okay because it was for our own good.

… my family doctor is going back to school — he wants to learn to be a plumber.

… more Americans than ever are discovering the fun of working only part time.

… we get 16,000 new IRS agents, making health care more affordable.

… millions of health care policies are as fake as Obama’s sign language interpreter.

… my deductible will be more than the down payment on my house.

… if you liked your doctors, you’ll just have to settle for sending each of them a friend request.

… LifeLock has a whole new set of identity thieves to guard against.

… Mom can get free prostate exams.

… Dad can get free mammograms.

… Grandma can get free birth control.

… Grandpa can get free lactation counseling.

… Jimmy Carter is no longer ranked as the worst president ever.